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I am feeling like I have control over my AH again at times.I have been acting as if he MUST stay sober. I think its because I am, once again, thinking of wanting children and I know if he relapses my life will be a living hell. Maybe Ill never be a mother.I wont leave him just so I can have children.What, with someone I dont love?And I cant have children with him because he is two months in recovery and who knows.I am worrying about the future again and I am well aware that that is futile.I am step fouring this one. That is what typing it out does for me. I am trying to control having no control. Does that even make sense? It does in my mind.My best option would be to pray to my HP to take over the control so that I can just live and allow his will to be done. I am well aware of this?Do I need a bottom again?God, I hope not.Perhaps just some dedicated praying would help. I was fine all weekend.I was doing things for me and focusing on myself.I am feeling resentment towards him again. I am angry we have no money whatsoever. I am angry I have to have an alcoholic/addict for a husband. Then I have to remember my part. I have to remember to keep my side of the street clean.I have to remember I have no control over him or his side of the street. Is worrying about everything in the world going to prevent it?It drives me crazy. It leaves me anxious and uneasy. If he lied that he had to work out of town and instead is on a binge. What am I going to do about it?I need to figure out a way to separate our finances completely so I can live. I cant even afford milk. I feel so much anger right now, for the past, for what he did to me, for what I allowed in my life. I am so angry right now that I have absolutely nothing. I feel embarrassment.This is all ways I used to feel all the time and working my program w my HP and sponsor restored me to sanity. My sponsor has been out of town for going on a month now.I wish she were back. I want to cry right now as I type this because I have made so much progress and now I am falling apart. Its all because I was thinking about that post I read where I said I would probably call my husbands therapist. I feel that is serious steps back for me.But I am honest with myself and that is why I was coming so far in al-anon because I was honest and raw so I am not going to stop now.I am grabbing that optical illusion of control back again and I dont want it. I was happier when I let go.People at work annoy me and I want to change them, I want them to do what I want them to do again. These are all old ways of thinking for me. Perhaps just saying all this will help me to let go. My husband is going to do what he is going to do. That is for sure.What am I going to do?Post this on the board, receive some ESH, call my sponsor after work?Its nice just to type my feelings. I know I always say that but to put it out there and instead of in my head helps. Its almost prayer to me. Old habits die hard, they really do. I feel very weak right now. I am obviously in need of some spiritual time and some al-anon time.When life gets hectic and I am off my al-anon schedule I tend to have difficulty, I've noticed.My husbands sister is in town, a good friend is in town, and I have a birthday party to attend two hours away this weekend, not to mention our new kitty. I feel pulled in many directions when all I want to do is hide, pray, read. I know that that is just what I should do but my old defects are back: trying to please everyone, worrying what others are thinking of me. ESH appreciated.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
First off Easy Does It my friend, I think sometimes we believe as a society that when something happens to us we just have to forgive and forget right then when something bad happens in our lives. You can only truly do what you are ready to do. Truly, I want to forgive .. however the forgetting part .. not to hold grudges that's not what I'm talking about how about taking the incident as a "teaching experience". Learning to set a boundary for me of what is and is not ok for me.
You are not falling apart, because you are aware of what's going on. 3 A's lady!! Justified resentments and I know I have said this many times are the hardest resentments to let go of. It does happen, little by little, and then one day it is just gone. Sometimes I think if things happen to fast then it's more of a slip and slide mode of program work (well I know I am at the moment), it's like we have to have a tune up to get right where we are at and that's ok. Then all of a sudden it will click.
When I feel the need to control I look at where my fear resides and then I just ask myself can I truly control what I am afraid of? Why am I feeling fear? Then I go back to Step 1. Step 1 for me never leaves my side for 24 hours literally I start and end my day in step 1 and sometimes during the day when I need to have a "do over" I go right back to Step 1.
I don't know if that will help, those justified resentments are tough sometimes and they just don't go away because we think we should just be over them. It takes time little by little, day by day.
You work an amazing program, keep coming back, keep reading lit, and keep reaching out.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think it was in our ODAAT reading today that it talks about Step 1 and being powerless. For me this is such a hard hard thing to accept. I am powerless. I have no control. I am only on the first step with my sponsor so this is something I've really been thinking about anyways.
I live with an active A. When I first came here I was so angry all the time. I realized last night during my meeting that I no longer feel angry all the time. We were discussing detachment and boundaries and part of learning those practices has helped me with all the turmoil I constantly felt before I came to Al-Anon.
Old habits die hard and we are progress not perfection. The difference between then and now is the fact that you don't stay in that place, you talk about it, write it out and move forward from it.
You have a lot going on so make sure to take time to take care of you and be gentle with yourself.
Last week my AH and I had a heated discussion over the fact that I was making plans for February with friends and the plans did not include him. This was followed by his statement that he loves me but just doesn't understand. Every time I make plans with friends I hit this kind of resistance. His insecurity makes him resent anytime that I'm not with him. I repeatedly state that my friendships and family are important and I will make time for them.
I said good bye to one of my oldest friends on Sunday. She is moving with her husband to west coast Canada and I live in NC, she's been just 2 hours away and now she's going so far away. It hurts, and I am so excited for her and yet so sad at the same time. When I start feeling that hurt then I start thinking about my AH and I start thinking of things that I want to be different.
I have to let go and let God. My AH has many wonderful qualities and I love him. My AH also makes me want to hit him over the head with what I think he should do.
When I get to a place where I'm feeling similar to what you describe I read literature, I say the serenity prayer, I listen to music. Usually through one or all of those actions I find encouragement.
Sending you hugs and support!!! Remember progress not perfection and take care of you!!!
Sending much love and support your way Michelle! You have awesome awareness of your feelings and I think it is great you are "working the program" by reaching out and watching out for your needs. I can so, so relate to how you feel. I am so new so not lots of "E" coming from me, but when I get like you do my sponsor tells me to focus on detachment and look it up and read it in the literature. The other day that did help me be able to detach from my own fears of the future and focus on the moment.
My craziness gets triggered when I am overwhelmed. I don't even realize it by the time it all catches up to me. I can relate to you saying you had a great weekend and then bam - bad week. I have this too and it is OK. I didn't get this way overnight and I'm not going to get better overnight. I've got some big time resentments that are still there and as long as I take it easy/one day at at time in my program I can deal with them. But if I start getting overwhelmed, even when I feel like I *shouldn't* be overwhelmed, they overcome me. Easy Does it!
Also this sounds kind of weird but when I get back to the control issue - the best thing for me is open AA meetings - I love those. They just help bring the disease aspect back into my perspective and I am able to have compassion again. I'm able to let go of some of my expectations for my AH and then I can go right back to focusing on myself. That is probably not what I *should* do but it helps me a lot - for some reason I have to have it "click" in my head again that my AH is sick before I can "let go" again and get back on my side of the street again!
Hi! Your feelings and anger are so understandable. You mentioned that you used to feel this way ALWAYS. Wow. What a burden, and what progress that it is now just sometimes. Progress, not perfection! Have you been able to get to some face to face meetings? sometimes trying a new meeting out helps me "freshen up", and when my sponser isn't available, I have been making myself call other people from the meetings that I would not normally or regularly call. I have to say, i have found the understanding and compassion from people I barely know very powerful and helpful in a very special way. Sending you support as you work through this, like I know you will. big, big hug
kael, I can relate so much about how "my craziness gets triggered when im overwhelmed" I think that is the main thing going on here. I feel like I have work pulling one arm, people outside work pulling another. I am not complaining because I am so grateful to have family and friends. I just feel overwhelmed right now completely. I obviously need to go easy on myself.. and there is no right or wrong if it works for you!
danni, your always there in support, thank you. and youre right this too shall pass and I will get through it.
You know what is funny though, guys. I was driving home from work huffing and puffing and thinking of having a cigarette (i don't smoke) because I felt so stressed and my AH said to me "say the serenity prayer." I told him "for some reason I don't feel my HP anywhere near me right now. well when I got off the phone with him. I kept the radio off and I just kept repeating the first part of the serenity prayer "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." I was saying it kind of with an attitude, I was lacking faith prayer would help me right then.. but the amazing part is. I kept saying it and I felt a weight lifted. I felt some relief, I felt better. I could take a full breath again, I was not wallowing in self pity. It works if you work it, sometimes I lack the working it part.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Time is a great healer. I sense there is maybe frustration because your recovery is ahead of his in many ways. You are several months (a year even?) into this and he is only 2 months back in after a really serious relapse. Hence, there is so much wreckage still to clean up from his last relapse and it seems to you like things should be moving faster. At just 2 months sober, I was still standing in a big mess of my own wreckage. Even if he keeps working the program, it will take awhile to get back on keel.
I was not looking at it from that point of view, pinkchip. I guess its hard for me to think like an alcoholic at times. I am about 6 months into my recovery and I have ups and downs. I want you all to know how much I appreciate your ESH.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I have joined the aa board as well as popping in to the na board as well. It's helped me to understand the battles they go through. I also have 2 copies (one hardback and a soft travel one), of the aa big book. It has info in there for the wives and family of the addicted one. I used to borrow it from the library at first. The personal stories in the back were very helpful too.
It's not about getting caught up in what their doing. I love reading their esh too. There has been some amazing stories of recovery on the other boards (Pink Chip, Glad Lee), and lots of wisdom as well.
I try to keep reminding myself that if this 'anger business' was so easy to get over and move on from.... there would not be a multi million dollar industry for drug and alcohol rehab, anger management and the millions of books and guides etc. Kinda like bringing up kids, it is a constant learning curve when new things happen and there is a hundred ways to look at it, and even more ways to deal with it.
We don't live linear.. we go round and round in cycles. Each rotation we learn something new and how to better deal with that bit when it happens again. Each rotation is something new. We will never reach perfection. Even the Dalai Lama and Buddha speak of anger and how it effects us and how to deal with it when it comes.
You haven't slipped backwards, you have just rotated past it again and this time.. you identified it, remembered it, and worked on it.. and you learned something else from it.
Now when it comes around again.. you have more tools in your belt for it.
What is nice though.. that the happiness and serenity will come again... this too shall pass.....
Michelle, I understand your pain over wanting to have children. Just last year I accepted that I would not have children with my AH husband because I couldn't trust that he would stay sober . . . and now we are separating, so I've pretty much passed my window in that department. And that was hard for me. But life brings us what it brings us - this is the part of having no control . . . but what life brings us is ours to make with what we will. We can be grateful for what we have, what we have had the opportunity to learn . . . . When I get pulled into the vortex, I think things like - 'wow, my friend has the exact life I wanted, my god, wouldn' that be paradise to wake up and not have all these things hanging over my head, all these decisions to make, etc., why her and not me? I'm a good person, I' ve tried hard, it's just not fair' - that is when I get crazy. I always feel better when I can step back and think: I am learning what I need to learn right now. I didn't understand how my codependence affected my life, how I didn't take care of myself, how I didn't let be and enjoy what is - until all this chaos that came from an AH. I'm exactly where I need to be, even if it feels like crap. I try to connect with my life's little joys - I snuggle my puppy, I brew a cup of high quality tea, I try to connect with what I love in life, which helps me remember - I'm alive and this is a gift! I hope this helps just a little. I feel very grateful for the help that people on this board have given me (including you), so I wanted to just share a little understanding with you, if nothing else.
Congratulations on the kitty! Furry friends are magical healers.
And I love Linda's image - we don't live linear, we live in circles, and each pass we know more.
Thanks, Tracey, maybe Ill check it out. I do attend AA lead meetings once in a while.
Linda, I like what you had to say because it reminds me that this stuff will come and it will go and, you're right that in the process we build new tools to use. Sucks when you're in the middle of it all but once its passed you've grown. Thanks.
Iris, It is a vortex, good explanation. Its easy to get pulled into societal expectations and comparison to others' lives. It is absolutely harmful and detrimental to my growth. Your share really hit home for me, I agree that each day in life is a gift. Stay in today, gotta remind myself constantly. Maybe ill live tomorrow one minute at a time. The good news is, I'm working my program and I am doing the best I can today.
I guess I had a lot more to say because I keep posting on my own post. Its been a really rough week for me. I truly appreciate you guys. Thank you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Hi! I tend to obsessed more when I am having financial difficulties. I can relate to your share, but remember to live in the moment. You can close yourself off from life to stay home and live in you head, which hardly ever helps me. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
