The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you may remember, I have been 'helping' a friend who decided to terminate her pregnancy.
Well yesterday I took her to the hospital and stayed with her all day. Her fiance (whom is a drinker and smoker of pot.. alot) was working and they decided it was too emotional for him to go as he really wanted to keep the child.
She is 32, engaged professional woman. She is on the verge of her PHD and a job promotion which will set her up for life.. she decided now is not the time for a baby. They will try in a couple of years.
So there I was with her. Sooo fighting against my own beliefs and spirituality about this topic. There I was talking about my own pregnancies and birth experiences. It happened her sister was having a baby on the same day (interstate).
I had my daughter at 18 years old (nearly 22 years ago) and she was born premature but viable gestation so she had a birth and death certificate. She had complications and died the next day. I did not terminate because I believe she was mine for a reason. I struggled to wonder why the universe presented me with this scenario yesterday and for the last few weeks.. supporting a person that was the total opposite of my own experience.
I do not judge her decision either positive or negative.. it just is. It was the best thing for her at this time in her life. It was the best thing for the baby at this time in its father life with the drugs and alcohol use. AGain... addiction fuelling major decisions in life. Her fiance is a friend of my husband and that is how we met.
So... my yesterday was a struggle. I kept her spirits up and kept her smiling and laughing. We talked about everything sitting there in that waiting room. I then took her home but I couldn't really talk to her as much on the drive home. I was exhausted I think.
It is done... now she has the healing. I am sorry this is not really Al Anon focussed, but I guess its more about bringing this into all our affairs.
I employed live and let live. I employed detached love for my friend. I did not judge. I hope I have not offended anyone, I guess I just needed to put it out there.. I can't tell anyone as she wanted me to keep it totally a secret.. what better place than a board like this to people in another country (mostly)
This sounds like an alanon based situation to me because the tools of the program can be applied to life in general. It sounds like it was a very difficult situation in general and you are a very good friend. It's hard to support someone when it does go against belief systems, I think that's what makes a really good friend anyway .. someone who will support and love another friend even if they don't agree with what they are doing. That kind of support is priceless, and everyone deserves to be supported while they go through difficult times even when it causes discomfort for me as a their friend. I have never had that kind of situation with a friend, however I've seen people struggle through different difficult times.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
That must have been a very challenging role for you to play. With my spiritual beliefs it would have been for me as well. people will do what they want to do. One of my very good friends had an abortion at 18. I was 20 at the time and I pleaded with her to keep the child. I told her I would help raise her/him. But ultimately she was going to do what she wanted to do. For her, perhaps it was the right choice, she moved out of the area and travels all over now.. thats what she wanted to do. It breaks my heart to think that her little son or daughter would have been seven now. If that were to happen today, however, I dont think I would have internalized the pain so much. I really felt it like it was my own. It hurt. Now I think I would separate it and remember that I don't have power over my friend... I also would feel more hope with my faith now.. I don't think death is necessarily sad. I truly believe the soul goes on. I dont know what happens, but I don't think life on earth is all the soul gets. That is progress for me in so many ways. I always used to need proof and to know what happens. but I am no one HP. I am just a human and that is the mysterious mystic of this world... we just dont know. Anyway, prayers for the little soul. You are such a kind hearted person. She needed support, and though, you have some spiritual feelings against what she did you supported her. That is what recovery is all about. Keeping your own side of the street clean.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Oh my goodness, well there is nothing you could have done, it was her decision, I think it was Mother Teresa who said its a shame a baby has to lose its life so you can live as you choose.
yep. People don't act the way I want them to act. That's why I need al-anon.
You may be a better friend than I, I would probably consider going along to be condoning the decision or enabling. But then, what would motivate that? Probably a hope that I could change her.... idk, great food for thought.
((big hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
One of my challenges with my illness is expecting people to hold to my beliefs and forcing my will on others.
I think your share showed tremendous growth in your recovery. You put principles before personalities, where the principle here was to just be a good friend to someone you cared about, even if you didn't agree with what she was doing. That's all I've seen the Al-Anon program try to teach me to do -- show up in my life as a good person, especially around people who are doing things that I personally disagree with.
HP has you, your friend, and even your friend's child taken care of. It's not your place to prevent or change the course of their events because it's not your life.
HP has you, your friend, and even your friend's child taken care of. It's not your place to prevent or change the course of their events because it's not your life.
Very well said, Aloha
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
thanks guys I feel good about supporting her... I feel good that I never once told her my opinions or beliefs, I just asked what hers were and went with them. We discussed pros and cons of both options and allowed her to make her own decision and then I supported whatever that was.
I guess if its true that they say.. be the friend you want to have... then I know I must have good friends.
It takes a true friend to support someone no matter what our personally experiences or beliefs are. What you did was an amazing thing and you should be proud of yourself because ultimately what she chose is exactly that her choice and sometimes we all just need a friend to carry us through.
