The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My father is 57 years old, he just celebrated his last birthday (the 23rd) in a kindred facility outside of Boston. On 12/28 he was admitted to the hospital with end stage liver disease, and the 30th he aspirated and found himself intubated in the ICU with pneumonia which soon progressed into ARDS. I live 1500 miles away. I flew up the first week of January and spend my days & nights by his side. He was comatose at first. I tried to get my family to understand what was going on with him. I was ousted, noone wanted to hear what I had to say. I didnt want him to end up with a tracheostomy in a vent facility with no chance of him ever getting better. They were insistent that miracles happen and he WOULD be going home. Never in my life did I think I could pull the plug on one of my parents or that I could live through the passing of my father/my first love in the entire world; but when I saw him laying there and I pulled open his eyes they were already gone. Amazingly, by the time I left he was responsive. Cognitively, he had improved, but the bottom line of what was going on in his body still remained. I made the decision to leave because I could no bear to watch them drag him through what could be months of hell and torture. The day before I left, he told me he wanted to fight. That crushed me even more. My Daddy FINALLY wants to live and I knew he isnt going to. He now runs the risk of kidney failure, heart failure or God forbid choking to death on his own blood if there is a rupture in his portal vein. They are begging for miracles, I am begging for mercy. My friends dont call to see how I am doing, guess everyone is busy with their own lives & sets of problems. I dont think my boyfriend even wants to deal with this anymore. He has never lost anyone close and has no clue what I am going through. I feel so alone. I have a script for Ambien I havent filled yet because last week I went four days straight without sleeping and my doctor felt pity for me, he also gave me some Xanax for when it comes time for the funeral. But nothing can shake this feeling that I am alone in the world.
My heart really goes out to you. I am so glad you found us here. Please post as much and as many times as you need to if it helps. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your father and family. You are not alone. Welcome!
You are not alone in going through such upheaval and strong emotions while facing the death of a parent. Nobody wants to see their parent suffer. It's awful. It does sound like he expressed his wishes though and that rings truer than anything your family wants for him. What he wants for himself at this point would be most important.
Well, I don't know what youre beliefs are with your higher power.. but I know you have a higher power with you and that way, you are never alone.. that being said.. there are people who care in this world. So sorry for the pain you are feeling. I cannot even imagine and, feel scared knowing someday I will have to know what it feels like. The love you have in your heart for your father is the most important thing. Try to focus on that love. Again, so sorry.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I'm so sorry! My dad was an alcoholic and a lifetime smoker. He just died last month due to complications from a spinal tumor. I also live across the country so I had to deal with things from a distance so I totally understand. My dad had emphysema and during the last 2 years he had life threatening pneumonia infections along with kidney failure due to poor circulation from the abuse he had done to his body and due to the spinal tumor complications. Although it was hard for me to lose my daddy, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I am so glad for him; he is no longer suffering, he no longer has to fight his cravings to drink or smoke, and he no longer has to struggle to breathe. There is a great freedom that we feel when our loved ones are relieved of their suffering. My heart goes out to you.
I lost my Daddy too when I was 24 and he was 62. He was an addict and it took him early and all I can say is my heart goes out to you! You are not alone and I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm so sorry to hear this. After my parents died, I started noticing what happens to families when someone is seriously ill. It seems to be the norm rather than the exception that families fracture under the pressure. Everyone has a different idea of what is best to do, and the situation is typically so confusing that there is no single right answer. Because basically there is no way to make things all better. I am an only child and that was very hard, but in a way I was thankful because there was no one to fight with over my parents' care. In many of my friends' families, one or more people stopped speaking with the strain and arguments of the situation. Sometimes I say that the situation was so bad that I had to stop speaking to myself.
Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that families fracturing is what happens under the pressure of terrible situations like this. Some people resent doing all the caregiving, some resent feeling shut out, some blame others for certain decisions, some remember old pains... I think maybe the highest thing to aim for is to suspend judgment and just get through the feelings. I hope you can take good care of yourself. There's no overstating how stressful it is. I'm so sorry.
I lost my dad almost 12 years ... it was sudden and unexpected ... yet he and I had made peace with each other earlier in the year and I believe he knew he was dying ... years of smoking, drinking, and working (all -aholically) took their toll.
Our family is very small (me, my mom, dad's bro, mom's sis, some cousins) and it fractured completely upon my dad's death.
I now volunteer with a non-profit hospice organization and, unfortunately, see families fracturing, under the stress of a loved one's illness, all the time. Unless there is a living will, things tend to get dicey.
Remember, you are not alone. Your HP is with you ... and your father has a HP with him too. Have faith that all will happen as it is supposed to happen.
Wishing you peace! God Bless You.
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There are people in your life whom you unknowingly inspire simply by being you.
