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It has been almost a month since I spoke to my ex. The last post was about his trial.
As far as the trial goes, I stopped talking to him and the only way I find out is through inmate search and clerk of courts. His baby mama called me again saying he called her and said he was coming out soon and how she is completely done with him, etc, etc.
I really am tired of believing her, I would like to hope she is done with him but who knows.
I do feel lighter in my heart but to be honest. I am very very unhappy. I try to go to as many al-anon meetings but its hard with work so i express my pain here.
I am happy he is out of my life, i become nauseas thinking I could go back to that life if I keep going with him. The memories of almost being stopped by a cop or even being hit worse or dying when he would drive outrageous.
The worst part however, was the lying between me and her and other women he would talk to. that hurt more than the drugs.
He tried to contact me through a 3rd party in jail and I said no i am not putting minutes on his phone, if he wants to talk he could write me.
haven't heard since. I was REALLY REALLY hurt to know he reached out to her and not me. I am hurt that he cant even find it in his heart to say sorry or just miss me.
I know I shouldnt want this and I am happy that i can say I DONT and wont go back ever again but to feel rejected by someone that used the hell out of you and lied to you, makes it feel worse. especially coming from a horrible guy like him.
I got upset yesterday bc I had his password to his facebook. I checked it yesterday just to see and the password was changed. obviously he cant do it so i dk if he is talking to her again or someone else did it.
I would be kind of upset to know if she took him back again. I know its even harder with a new born baby. but i get scared that he will change and know that he regreted me or i was the cause or the one to make him be a better man and it wasnt with me which hurts.
I feel even more lost now with daily activities and work. I feel like I want to move from my city. I know I have more potential to do better. I own my own business with a masters degree and my mind makes me feel like a lazy bum, like him.
one side i am happy to be free on the other my mind is my worst weapon. I sometimes even think of calling her to get info. His arriagment is Thursday and he has no bond for any charges and the charges have been changed, so who knows!!
I know I rant and rave on here like a confused person but the feeling of not being content and confused makes me feel weak, fatigue.
The feeling of being worried by not knowing whats going on and being co-dependent and having a hard time taking that time and concentrate on me is hard.
I try to excersice more, eat better. The tension in my back and next is extreme.
To sum it up, I am in the phase where i am spiteful, i hate him and angry at everything. I think I am angry because I regret the man i met and what money, and time and love i lost.
I wish I could forgive him bc it would set me free but I cant now.
You don't have to do anything you aren't ready to do yet. I am so very sorry for your pain and I understand it so much. Something that has helped me is to keep a small gratitude journal that I can list just 5 things that I am grateful for, I stick to 5 because I would write a novel and I don't have time for that .. lol. Each day that I struggle I start out my day just doing that there is something about the movement of the pen that centers me.
This is the disease it does not excuse his behavior .. what I'm saying is he's going to lie to everyone .. I had a cold shock of reality when I thought I was special because my Q only lied to me, .. of course he told everyone else the truth .. lol .. nope not so. His lying is NOT about you. His reaching out to the other woman is so NOT about you. His addiction is so NOT about you.
When I have snooped and I have to say thank GOD I did this past weekend. I have to hold myself accountable for my actions, if I snoop and I feel bad .. that's not on my Q .. I gotta go look at me. Not everyone is able to do that so sometimes it's just best to leave it all alone.
Of course you are hurt because it hurts to be rejected especially if we have never really found acceptance of ourselves. That is a big part of where HP comes into play .. HP doesn't make junk .. I just believe that to be true. YOU deserve to be with someone healthy and whole.
Are you going to face to face meetings at the moment? It truly makes a BIG difference. I can so testify to that when I stopped worrying about what my Q was or wasn't doing it gets easier to detach with love and I said right now in an earlier post that I don't feel compassion or understanding for my spouse .. partly true .. maybe what I see as I detach is it's easier to see how sick he is and if he wasn't sick I don't believe he would be doing what he is doing now. Maybe I'm wrong .. I don't think so.
Going to a f2f meeting truly is a gift from God (my HP). I hope you will make the decision to take another step into your own recovery.
Hugs P :)
It truly does get better when we can stop focusing on what our Q's DO to us and start focusing on what we DO to ourselves.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you so much for your response. I have gone to a few f2f meetings but I am trying to make it a priority now and part of my daily schedule to get the full affect.
I feel like I have this jealousy inside and anger that manifests so deep that even if I let go of this person, i have not been able to fully detach myself from his life and keeping tabs with how his trial is going and if they are back together is keeping the insanity going.
I know how horrible he is. I know that he doesnt have the ambition to become better. I get scared that the longer he is locked up or even goes to prison he could completely stop. Either way your right there is someone healthy and whole for me. I know this is my time for a relationship with me.
But whats funny but even scarier is that I have never had a relationship with myself and it almost feels like I am meeting the "man" of my dreams which is taking good care of myself and treating myself good but this side sees it as foreign like its weird to buy stuff for myself even or just have more time to myself.
Being a worrier and a analytical virgo makes it hard as well to be by myself because my mind alone with me dwells and worries constantly. I will try the journal. I miss my old optimistic view on life. The happiness of being alone without worrying about anything negative.
II hear you talking about him, I have been there. But the question in my head is what are you gonna do? I hope you find regular f2f meetings and a sponsor. I am sending you love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I know these feelings so well. It was really, really hard to get past the obsession. For me the strongest sign of my codependence was the obsession. If alcoholics are half as obsessed with alcohol as I have been with the addicts, no wonder they have a hard time staying sober.
It helped me a little to realize that the obsession was not really about him. It felt like it was about him, but I think the power that drove it was not. I mean, why would I be so attached to someone who treated me so badly? I think it was about the hope and grief and wanting to "win" and have someone recognize what I was going through and validate my emotions. I have had to remind myself a hundred times a day: "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing." I would go through these whole huge conversations in my head. But I could never win the conversation even in my head.
Several years on, I can promise that the obsession does fade away with time. I think the more we get busy and work on our recovery, the faster it goes. I gave my A a lot of space in my head. When I stopped myself thinking about him so many dozen times a day, it got better faster.
I'm so glad you're protecting and taking care of yourself. Hugs.
I have found that if one keeps as busy as is possible, at work, in the house and if possible doing something kind, even a smile to a neighbour ....not for the alcoholic.....it does help.
It is only one hour, one day at a time. But time is a healer.
Perhaps change your routine.
Pen and paper to a plan for the next few days and weeks.
At one time, I had a guy who I obsessed over, beat myself up over, even though I knew I was better off without him, without what had been ... I challenged myself to think of something positive in exchange for every thought of him, the past with him. Initially, it seemed kind of stupid. Bad thought of him changed to "it's sunny" or "my cat is cute" ... funny thing is, I found myself laughing over some of the "silly" things I was interjecting into what had been all about negativity. It took time but as my thoughts became more positive, it was easier for me to get some action going in my life. As my thoughts changed (although forced at first), my behavior changed ... and I changed ... and one day I realized my "obsession" with him was gone!!! What a wonderful gift I had given myself
Maybe something like that could help you, too. God Bless You
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 31st of January 2012 05:46:30 PM
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There are people in your life whom you unknowingly inspire simply by being you.
You do sound better than a month ago. You don't realize it but you actualize seem more assured and confident even though you are stating you feel less secure. I guess I would be tempted to describe what you are going through as "growing pains." You know the checking and worrying and obsessing about him, his trial, the other woman is futile so you literally have to do things to force yourself to stop. Maybe each time you say prayers until the thoughts go away. Maybe tell yourself "I have moved on. I'm not thinking about that any more." I've been through it too, it takes more than a month to really let someone go but you are doing well.
Also, when you wrote about how much it sucks to be rejected by someone that treated you so crappy - What I hear in that is that you need to forgive YOURSELF for getting in the situation and allowing yourself to care about someone like that. It's okay to make mistakes...we just move on and learn the best we can.
If there were 'like' buttons on this page.. I would be hitting Mattie and Pinkchip right now.
They have very eloquently put what I was thinking.
When I obsess, it is ME who is obsessing, participating in my addiction. I still snoop on my exhusband!!!! When I do, I get hurt. Whos fault is that???? I still sometimes snoop on my current husband. When I find soemthing I don't like... Whos fault is that????
MINE MINE MINE
I am trying to tell myself, Only ask the question that you really want to know the answer to.
A friend tried to teach me that a long time ago. She said that maybe knowing everything wasn't as helpful as I thought it was... maybe she was right... I also found out that she was sleeping with my (now ex) husband... so maybe she was just being in mode of self preservation. She is still my friend and in fact was my bridesmaid at my second wedding. I have forgiven her for various reasons. I have not forgiven my husband.
From what I have experienced and seen others experience... this pain is a stage that some of us go through.....
What are YOU going to do? Whatever it is .. you will be ok
Hi Julie. I do think it is so helpful to find a home group and attend weekly.. if not more than once a week going to meetings. This site helps alot, sometimes youll fall upon a post that really helps and I dont know if you have al-anon literature but that has been my life line... Have you considered getting a sponsor? That is another benefit of al-anon that has been so helpful to my recovery thus far.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
