The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First off just let me say I am so grateful to be a member of alanon especially during this trying time. Who knows what the future holds tonight, this min I am ok. I had a few moments consider the bomb that was dropped, I still haven't decided if I'm in shock still or not. At least the first 48 hours have had lots of tears, some laughter and a lot of awareness. I swear if that onion peels any faster I'm going to be shivering from the lack of skin!!!
There was a meeting tonight and I am so grateful just for that 2 1/2 hour block of time. Turns out we are planning a conference and I've gotten to be a part of it. It was a good distraction from some of the pain. Plus we went straight into the regular meeting.
There are so many things I DO have to be grateful for and tonight we were talking about Tradition 1 ironically. We're working out of How Alanon Works and so many thing stood out at me .. I never learned how to act like family, I didn't have a family. I have spent all this time battling my 8 year old self because adults are crazy .. and now I'm one of the crazy adults and I've been trying to protect myself from the stand point of an 8 year old's limited view of life although I was pretty sophisticated at that age. Still very much a child tossed and turned at the whims of the adults in my life. Now my adult self is trying come forward and reconciling with how damaging it is to have allowed a frightened 8 year old child to run my life. I survived on some twisted logic in a very twisted situation. It's just not working for me anymore and I just surrender .. it is just bigger than me and I have to give it to God (HP). Which ironically is NEXT weeks meeting .. lol, Step 2.
There are a lot of things that I will be addressing over the next few weeks some big some little most importantly it will involve the grown up me making more of an appearance and the 8 year old me taking a less aggressive role. That's probably the best way I can describe the feeling is I've been an 8 year old in a grown up's body for way to long. I'm hoping that the 8 year old will trust the grown up me and know I'm listening to her while doing what is in my next best interest.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow!! That sounds like a powerful meeting. Being part of a conference and then a group discussion on Tradition 1 Great process. I too discovered that I did not have any idea of how to interact in a group in an adult manner
You are growing with each new awareness. I know another definition of the word FEAR :
WOW Betty!! That is really awesome another one that is going into my book of gems!!!! Thank you!!
There have been a world of light bulbs going off in my life at the moment .. each time there is a big thing that happens (obviously big thing was Saturday) something really amazing happens and new healing just opens up left and right. I feel like a star with her own paparazzi following me around .. lol .. just trying not to get blinded by the flashes!! It's very humbling when all this stuff just comes flowing in and I think not that oh I get it and I'm done .. it's oh I get it and WOW do I have so much further to go!! I'm soooo dreading step 9 I owe an amends many many many to my husband .. I hope that he is in a place someday to hear me. I'm not rationalizing what he has done I know my part and I'm not blaming myself either. I see my part and that's so not a fun thing.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
