The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to post this here. For some reason the adult children room won't allow me to write in.
For a few years now I have been following the adult children of alcoholics program as well as al-anon. It was through acoa that I came into al-anon. My question has to do with the steps they follow in the big red book and the yellow work book of aca. Although I have been brought to a lot of awareness through the steps, I feel very drawn to Tony A's adaption of the 12 steps. In his recording, he says that the normal steps of aa/aca can be difficult for the adult child. With his steps, it's about learning to love ourselves. Something we had never been taught to do.
I feel drawn more to Tony's steps at the moment. Although the aca books helped me to start with. I was wondering if anyone from this board, has been working these steps and also how they have felt with them?
I am an ACOA 's but haven't heard of this. I only have regular Al-anon meetings near me, but they have been amazingly helpful. I don't have time to keep up with another board, but keep me updated on the differences and if it helps with your growth. In all our affairs has been very helpful for me.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
No, they're not on this board. I first heard of them through the aca board where we buy the big red book. There's a convention on there that you can hear him speak about it.
Tony wrote about them in a book called the Laundry List. It was the first book brought out before the big red book. They don't print the book any more as the copywrite wasn't handed over before he died. They have to wait until it expires. I've just bought a copy through amazon the other day. Hopefully it'll be here soon.
There is a group called thelistacagroup.wordpress.com . They haven't written them up there under Tony A's 12 steps. I don't want to write them on here in case it's illegal.
This helped me a lot, thank you. I am the type that wants to jump right into any stepwork that can help me heal. I am very new to adult child stuff but I see stepwork in the red book. ave not looked at the workbook. On page xxxv1 of the Red Book it says that in 1979 Tony wrote, with the help of Don D, which took a blameless inventory of our parents and focusing on self-love. In 1991 he refined the steps over in the book "The Laundry List", which was a balanced inventory of the aforementioned - adding self-forgiveness.
I myself will be looking at his ultimate project, because that sounds right to me, if you know what I mean.
I have seen too many people continue to suffer by trying to take the easier softer way, and watering down actual directions in 12 step fellowship. I am willing to do whatever work it takes, however long it takes.
as someone who has tried other "12 step" programs, such as ACOA, I am now a Step-Nazi in Al-Anon. Unless someone is working the 12 Steps, as written in AA, CA, or Al-Anon, then they are trying the easier, softer way as all others are watered-down, feel-good ways.
very curious how doing someone else's (your parents) inventory can help you unless, when you are finished writing it, you cross off their name(s) and put yours
it's possible that I am missing something ... I've been wrong before
hope that whatever you choose, it helps you move forward. God Bless You
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There are people in your life whom you unknowingly inspire simply by being you.
In the recording Tony says about step 4 - We are to see what their positive and negative aspects were. Look at them from an objective view point. Some of the patterns of life they used, some of the words they used, some of the biasness they used. In essence we took on all those characteristics.
In order to forgive myself, I have to take an inventory of my parents and learn how to forgive them. In order to forgive them I have to learn how to forgive myself.
Blame of parents is the first healing process acoa's go through to come in touch with the fact, although my head tries to forgive the abuse that was done to me, my gut, basically, my inner child within is very, very angry and mad at these people.
For myself I have found it be very powerful for my healing process. We are still accountable for what we do, it's just handled in a different way.
Yes, Tracey. Tony's deal here was to honestly distribute the "cause" of our troubles, while always taking responsibility for the "affects" (how these things manifest in our own lives with others, or even with parents and family - what were our reactions?)
Tony felt that going to make amends to abusive parents or others, and feeling all sorts of guilt for our reactions, kept us from equally distributing cause.
We never tell anyone else what they "did", but we simply take responsibilty for our wrongs. GUILT IS NOT REQUIRED here.
We can stay stuck in that angry place at them, or we can look into the ACA literature deeper for where it says they were affected by others too. They did not have the benefit of a program of recovery. We develop compassion for them - while NOT people pleasing or taking on their stuff any longer.
By the way, I'm gonna tell you seomthing here that most people in recovery don't understand: We can divorce our parents but that won't help us. The ideas, emotions and attitudes are already formed within us anyway, we are who we are, and this is what happened to them too. it is an empty place to have run away from them.
I never left my mother and father. I thought of what I could offer and bring to the occasion when I saw them. If my mother began manipulating me, I would simply say, "Ma, can I give you a hug?" She was afraid and anxious so that would help. When they try to get me not to trust myself I say nothing, and hold steady eye contact with a pleasant, understanding look.
They suffer too, i don't care what they look like on the outside. We are the ones with a program of recovery. We take the lead in the family (step 9, Big Book of AA). We are the ones who mature spiritually. We understand, tolerate, and have compassion WITHOUT dishonestly taking the bait.
By the way, others probably won't change, but when we change, others appear to change. They really do, we get a new pair of glasses, and then we are free.
I began attending al-anon over 5 years ago. Last year, I found an al-anon/ACA meetings in my area, the difference is just the FOCUS... we share about what it was like growing up in an alcoholic home. It is not the same story as being married to an alcoholic. (Doesn't mean we don't also talk about the alcoholics in our lives presently ... we still work the steps, etc.)
It's been very healing for me, to sit with others who grew up in the same insanity... and the absolute confusion.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 31st of January 2012 10:23:08 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I found it very interesting when I done the family history exercise, to see what dysfunctional behaviors run through it. It was funny how as a child I thought I had a wonderful extended family, it was just my Mum who would cause all the problems. Now I can see that the patterns of behavior runs right through it. Wow it was mind blowing. Then last year I started delving into our family genealogy. That in itself provided a whole new level to work through. Talk about opening up old wounds. It's been a real eye opening experience and it has helped me to develop compassion for them.
In all honestly, reading the responses Tracy has recieved here, I really do have a wish that more of the authors would come over to the ACoA board and add some assistance there.
It is not an overly active board, only a few regulars, but the indepth knowledge work and healing that has just been expressed here, would benefit those of us new and struggling over there. More voices would really aid those that do not feel they qualify for Al Anon, so do not come here to hear the wisdom.
This thread has been very helpful as have all your ACA threads Tracy ... thanks
Tracey, I really identify with thinking my family was wonderful, and in many ways they were. I got a lot of really good stuff in childhood - like really good stuff. But they also are very manipulative and there is a lot of guilt and fear. Fear= anxiety, control, etc. I'll write more about guilt on the acoa board.
So in the final analysis, my family experience sucked but it was also great. :)
I found out recently that my grandfather used to not only sneak alcohol, but he made wine in his cellar! I was always told he was a "tea-totler". And I have to say, i don't blame the guy for wanting to take a drink once in a while. ;=)
Sorry if my words were confusing. I am not sure I can really satisfy your curiosity either.
"More voices would really aid those that do not feel they qualify for Al Anon, so do not come here to hear the wisdom" Perhaps I worded this statement incorrectly. In reality, its just my own unresearched observation
I am not sure what would make a person feel this way, I have not questioned it or judged it really.. I just took it as it is.... I just made the assumption that they are on the ACoA board, not on this board, they know about both boards therefore for their own reasons.... they feel they don't want to come to the Al Anon boards.
I am on both boards. I find I address different aspects of my recovery on each board, and sometimes I share the same post on both boards. I went to the ACoA boards first because I do not currently live with a person who has an addiction to alcohol. Alcohol itself has never been a large issue with my past partners really. For that reason, I originally went to those boards. It was after much soul searching that I realised that my husband is an addict, just not to alcohol, and I found myself here in Al Anon. I am actually more involved with the ACoA steps than the Al Anon steps.
I hope I have helped you understand my reasons a little more, I can't explain the reasons for others. It was really just an observation.
I have not been to many ACoA meetings ... but none of them have been good experiences ...
I know a lot of ACoA's in Al-Anon (at least where I'm attending) ... and there's plenty of time to share those experiences in our meetings ...
Since working the 1st Step in Al-Anon, I have found that I am a very solution-oriented, action-oriented person ... I want to understand what makes me tick (nature, nurture) to some degree but I do not want to get bogged down in it ... it is way too easy for me to get "stuck" in over-thinking stuff, over-analyzing it to the point where I become mired in my own filth and unable to move forward. For me, my dislike for the ACoA meetings I have attended, the literature I have read is that there is too much emphasis put on the past and not enough on what I can do about it now! as well as HOW!
My Al-Anon beliefs and the way I work the program are equivalent to Big Book Thumpers in AA ... some refer to me as a Nazi-Anon or a Black Belt Al-Anon, and I'm good with both. I understand that there are other programs ... I know they are not for me ... I do like to continue with my learning though. So, thank you!
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There are people in your life whom you unknowingly inspire simply by being you.
I guess its just each to their own... live and let live.. take what you want.. etc etc.
Sorry to hijack this post.. it was just sooo nice to see so many responses, the other board isn't as active but we try to keep it as active as possible.
I am curious to know what ACA literature you are referring to.
Keep in mind, part of the HOW of recovery, is Honesty, so a good honest look back is necessary to know how we got to where we are. Many of us are survivors of emotional abuse since birth, forced to sweep real feelings under the rug, and believing this was all "normal." You can probably see, it's a different set of circumstances and that's why the ACA group was probably formed, to serve that purpose.
I do not find my ACA meetings to be lacking in any way. We are a 12 step program.
I applaud you for finding YOUR way, keep doing what works for you. Everyone has their own path to their awakening.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 3rd of February 2012 04:01:18 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I was wondering the same thing Glad Lee. It's not about being stuck there, it actually does the opposite.
Yesterday I actually felt the shame I experienced as a child. For a while I felt terrible. I allowed the feeling to stay with me. After a while maybe an hour or two, the realisation came that I wasn't the cause of the shame. The shame, was the same shame they felt when they were children and their shame, was their parent's shame when they were growing up.
Eventually I had the realisation that their was/is nothing wrong with me. I didn't do anything, (except for being a child), to earn that shame. It was their shame not mine.
Now I can move on from it. No doubt there will be memories come up, which I will allow and feel. Then it goes again.
