Holding Husband responsible - Al-Anon Family Group

ttpurtee · Veteran Member

Holding Husband responsible

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Does this all make you feel better, happier, right? Can you move on now and let it all go? Since he keeps proving that he hasn't been able to "get it" right does it mean that you're off the hook on how your life has turned out?

These are my older inventory questions when I was going thru very similar events and in the program of Al-Anon. What I had to face when she was out of the way was my mess.

Blaming and judging didn't work for me and still by habit I did it. Cleaning my act up was about my peace of mind and serenity regardless if she was still drinking, using or not plus all the other stuff that came with it. Addiction is a disease of insanity and it leaves nobody out of the process.

Trying to hold the "alcoholic" responsible can be like standing in the rain without an umbrella and trying not to get wet.

Keep coming back...((((hugs)))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tiffany

I am so sorry that you are going through this painful process. You certainly took all the appropriate steps,your motives were clear, and you followed the required rules. He never showed up.

Nobody wins in this situation. The court awarded you a settlement and your children are being protected. Great!!

Please keep attending meetings and know HP is with you

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe you sound like a very responsible person. You care very much about your kids and you are protecting them from a horrible disease not their daddy.

He sounds very sick, he is the only one who can control him.

You took care of yourself, which is right.

It is the disease talking not him, in other words what he says is insanity.

I am very sad for all of you! Your kids are fortunate to have you hon.

We just cannot allow the A diseases bolony get to us. I used to think in my head, its just the wind.

Keep coming and letting us know how you are.

lotsa hugs,debilyn

ttpurtee · Veteran Member

Jerry,

This does not make me feel better, this is the last thing that I wanted. However, I have to protect my children, they are my first priority. My AH harmed them, he needs to be help responsible for this. The courts need to know what he has done, also to protect myself, because I don't let him see them unsupervised.

He has a wife(our divorce is not final yet) and children and he harmed all of us. He needs to face what he has done. He expects everyone to just "get over" all the stuff he has done his entire life. That is not fair.

He wants to sweep it under the rug and avoid it. You cannot do that, if he did these things to anyone other than family, he would not be able to forget it. Those people would be pressing charges. Why should family be any different?

He needs to be help responsible for his actions, in my opinion. I thought that was what Al-Anon was all about, not protecting the A from their consequences.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's predictable that he will blame everyone and anyone but him -- that's what alcoholics do. It sounds, though, as if he is indeed being held responsible for his actions, by the courts and by everyone else. So he is already experiencing the consequences. And he will continue to do so.

Some alcoholics never "get" their part in the chaos and insanity that follow them everywhere. Most only "get" it once things have reached a very, very terrible state. We're powerless over when or if they ever "get" it. However, we can stand out of their way and let the consequences hit with full force. That's refusing to enable. It sounds as if that's what you've been doing. That doesn't mean that they'll realize or change. It just maximizes the chances that they'll do so.

After we stand out of their way, the other thing we're called upon to do is to repair our own lives. Because the chaos and insanity can't help but affect us too. So we concentrate on our own recovery and hand the alcoholic's recovery over to the Higher Power. Moving on past our very justifiable anger and resentment is part of the road we take towards healing. But feeling that angern is part of acknowledging how bad the situation was, and that's a good thing. Honesty and authenticity first. Then we move toward healing.

I hope you'll read all the threads, learn all you can, find a meeting and a sponsor, and keep coming back. Nobody should have to do this alone.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs ttp,

It's so hard and painful to not only walk through that fire however to watch someone else we love do it is unbelievably painful. I'm so sorry you are going through this and he may never "get" it. It's what alcoholics and addicts do. I know with my current situation I can only step back and let the cards fall where they are going to it's not about me as much as my Q wants to make it that way. It's not me.

In an addict it's ALL about them. The changes I can make are about me and for me to put me in a better place. Alanon isn't about protecting the A's from their consequence, it is sooo about us.

Something I have learned is when I'm creating a crisis (and it doesn't sound like you did it's in a reading I can't remember which book) and when to step back and allow the natural consequences to happen. I walk through my own fire of pain .. the A's absolutely have to go through their own fire and see if they are ready to come back to their senses.

Hugs P :)

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