I feel filled with creativity. I have come alive. Too many coincidences have pushed me in this direction that can only be described as God showing me its okay to start... living. I am actually living. I am feeling so much. I have been watching alot of youtube videos of this band I really like and their music is very moving to me.  They are really young and hippies and their sound is happy and bubbly.  They jump around on stage and the girl runs from the microphone, to the ukulele, to the drums, to the tambourine. The lead, male singer is always shutting his eyes and they are rolling in the back of his head and he's sticking his tongue out... weird, I know, but the thing is.. they really feel it!! They are feeling the music.  Its like electricity watching them spark together as they make these beautiful sounds. So then I start to wonder.. are they high?  And they may be and that makes me sad because I have found that you can feel this alive as they are obviously feeling, on stage, for their music.. you can feel that without any substances at all. I do enjoy my coffee, though ;) but what I am saying is that I wish other people could feel what I have found. Its unfortunate so many go their whole lives living the way I had been for at least six years.  I say six because from birth to about 20yrs old I felt very much alive, however, there were spiritual aspects missing.. but I would ponder and dream, and get creative, I would get my hands dirty in pen ink or clay or grass or mud, I was living and feeling in this world.. and then... and then. I stopped.  That makes me sad now.  I met my husband in this time that I was more of a ghost of a woman and that does make me sad because I really do love him.  And we did have moments together where we were very much alive and feeling this world but often they consisted of alcohol and other times I would wonder what the point was because I had absolutely NO faith. 

 I cried one time outside the library during one of my periods of being lost.  I prayed God would send me a sign and he actually did.  But I did not get it then and thats the thing.. you completely overlook these things when youre not ready to see it. So I was crying, in my car, outside the library saying "God, please, if you're real, I beg of you to show me, give me a little faith, will I be happy if I moved away, perhaps?"  (Geographic cure running through my head at this time) and I grabbed for a CD, any CD, my eyes were shut.. and I said.. This random CD, random track, should help me.  Well it was this song, I cant remember who it was by but I remember the lyrics in it, it went "where do you want to go, now that we're together?"  I interpreted that song to be about my boyfriend at the time, who later turned into my husband.  I was so co-dependent, it was always about him or me and him. Why? I have so much going for me. I really love myself now. But then, I was in and out of unhealthy relationships with crazies.  My relationship with my then boyfriend, now husband, however, was not unhealthy except for the fact that I cared more about him than I did about me.  But he treated me with a great amount of respect and we did, and do, love each other.. I was very much head over heels for him at this time, crying in the library parking lot because I wanted to move away to actually get to live my life, but I didnt want to leave him.  I did not know then what I know now, you cant just move around the globe to find inner peace and happiness.  I was very naive to that baffling and cunning disease he had and that dysfunctional disease that I had.

  So that song came on "where do you want to go now that we're together" it sang and I thought, God is telling me that I have found the one, my bf, and that we can go anywhere; move away, travel, see the world, explore, where do we want to go now that were together.  Oh, naive I was.  Anyway, my husband and I did go alot of places so Im grateful for that, for the culture and the memories.  I still love travel, I just can't afford it.  I interpret that song, however, much differently now.  I still, do, believe God was sending me a sign.  I had that chill you feel when its supernatural, unexplainable unless you've felt it. (Mind you, MIP, I am not censoring my talk here, and this is all from my own experiences and how I interpreted them.  I respect everyone and anyone's opinion of their higher power, I am just sharing my journey, so take what you like and leave the rest.)  That song was a sign, it was a little smile from God, I do believe that. I think now, however, what it actually was meant to say to me was "Where do you want to go (spiritually, emotionally, as a person) now that we're together (God and I)"  Funny how things change; perceptions, attitudes. You look back at some random  incidents, how your mind is taken back there to a specific moment.  Like this one, I am there when I think about it;  tears running down my cheeks, the ignition purring, frost on the windows, it was February or March and so cold, I had those gloves that fold over and reveal you fingers.  It makes me smile because even when my heart was so far from faith, God was there for me.  He always has been.  He always will be. 

Now I am happy in one place, I would travel and I would love to: just to experience the places, smells, people... but I would not move away.  My heart is here in this wood paneled room, with the willow tree in the backyard that we planted, ourhope tree as I called it.  My heart is here in this rented house, in this small, snow globe town.  What Ive learned is I have changed.  I can be anywhere now and feel at ease and centered, because, I carry happiness and faith in my heart.  No one has to put it there; I rely on myself and my higher power for that.  I have to say, also, that the way I did eventually find this faith I have, was by letting go of the control to make myself find it.  I stopped crying over it, or feeling bad for myself for not having it, I stopped feeling guilt and shame over it. I accepted it for what it was. I had no faith and there was nothing I could do about it.  I accepted and gave up the illusion of control over it. I started praying "God, if there is a God, which I think there may or may not be, I give up.  I can't make myself believe in you or believe in what my Mom believes or what my best friend believes.  So I'm done trying and worrying over it. My hands are up as if to surrender.  Maybe I will never have faith and that is out of my hands now."  Its amazing how it works that way, eh? The more I let go, the more I receive.

***If this was offensive due to a significant amount of spiritual talk, feel free to have this post remove and I apologize if I offended anyone.. I have to say its so nice to talk and it felt good just to write it.***