The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow, I've been the paranoid guy wondering why my wife is talking hours at a time to some guy, and I've had the "I'm going to use" manipulation technique used on me. Even though in my case she really was having a full blown affair, the snooping, obsessive behavior was totally counter productive and a sign of my own sickness.
The "if you don't do what I want I'll start drinking/using" tactic is textbook, totally not your responsibility and indicates an unwillingness to accept responsiblity for his own recovery.
Yes he's sick, but as long as he's not responsible for dealing with the sickness he's not going to get better.
I sincerely hope you both find health and happiness. He is sick, but that is always a hard part of detaching, I know I wanted to use the excuse of her sickness as a reason to stick by her, when in reality I was accepting responsibility for her recovery and in the process preventing it and preventing my own.
Fast forward, my wife lives with me and our kids, she has 60 days sobriety and a lot of work ahead of her. I also have a lot of work ahead of me. Neither one of us is "cured" and neither is our marriage, but at least I feel we are looking at ourselves instead of expecting the other to cure us.
Not sure the above helps, but your share sparked a lot of feelings.
-- Edited by DadtoCandE on Thursday 26th of January 2012 03:05:44 PM
I LOVE your user name, and now I can't get Aretha out of my head, hahaha!
I noticed you've been a member here for a few months, it looks like you started al-anon meetings and I'm wondering if you're still going. For me, I could not get well without meetings, and MORE meetings because I kept spinning my tires in the mud, and I needed a push. A big one.
What I hear in your post, is something I kept doing too, I kept doing the same thing over and over... my anger and resentment exploded one day, and he stood there in complete shock. (I had the ability to create some "shock and awe" back then, believe me.)
Thank God for al-anon, I got a sponsor and she helped me to see that I played a part in my own suffering. I had no idea that I was doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. What I eventually found by working the steps is, I was actually very angry with MYSELF. I played a part in my own suffering, I participated in the alcoholic merry-go-round. Previously, I thought it was all his fault. So, I do hope you have the gift of a sponsor, it made all the difference in REAL recovery for me.
My ESH regarding new relationships is simple. Don't. Not yet. That is something I learned here at MIP, I kept seeing untreated al-anons doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I waited 3 years to heal before dating, I worked hard on myself, and actively participated in f2f recovery....
Today, I am dating a wonderful man, a non-alcoholic. When I came to al-anon, they told me that if I straightened out spiritually, everything else would fall into place. And I found that to be true, it is the key to some wonderful happiness I am experiencing in my life today!
In recovery, I am responsible for my actions. My sponsor told me to "BE" the spouse I wanted my spouse to be. Today, I have nothing to feel guilty about, I had remained a faithful partner.
Keep coming back ((my friend))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 26th of January 2012 03:18:54 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 27th of January 2012 11:28:16 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My husband and I are supposed to be separated. I got my own apartment in July but he has nowhere to stay so has been at my place the last week.
Here I am at work. While he is home alone in my place (which makes me uncomfortable due to his past of stealing my things to sell). I am already mad because I go to work every day and he of course has no job.
But to top it off today he begins messaging me at work asking me who I am talking to. He listed about ten phone numbers and demanded I tell him right that minute who they are immidiatly because "he is sick, and if I don't tell him he might go use".
All of the numbers were completely innocent. Mostly it was people texting me happy birthday this past Tuesday.
I recently had been texting a guy for about a week because I am trying to move forward (including seeing an attorney). I stopped for multiple reasons. One, my husband asked me to. Two, it wasn't really fair to anyone since I am still married. Three, my mind is nowhere near ready to open up to anyone new. So I see how he would be nervous.
But I hate demands. And I especially hate them with a threat of using behind them. And I hate them even more because there are many things I've been asking of him (including getting my wedding ring back from the pawn shop he sold it to) and he has yet to do those things. And to top it off I hate it even more because I am at work to pay OUR bills while he is busy investingating me.
I guess I just wanted to vent. And see what anyone else would do in this situation. It makes me feel better just to get it out sometimes.
I just want to say this: NOTHING you say or do is going to make him use, or not use. If he's going to use, he's going to use, regardless of what you're doing.
Are you attending face to face Al-Anon meetings? If not, I would highly recommend it. Al-Anon will help you with tools to deal with these types of situations.
It sounds as if he's continuing to show you what level of health he's at.
Also, not having a job seems to work for him, as it gets him a free place to live. That's a reinforcement (reward) for not supporting himself. When we draw boundaries, they test them to see whether we can really keep hold of the boundary. They are always testing, testing. It sounds to me as if he tested whether you really meant "I won't live with you any more if you're using," and now he's testing by asking (in effect), "Are you really separated or can I control who you associate with?" Trying to get things back the way he likes them.
The fact is that you have a perfect right to decide who you text or phone, especially since you have told your A that you're separated. You may choose not to pursue any involvements right now, but that's for your own recovery, not because your A is entitled to control you.
Meetings and working hard on recovery can make these things clearer and easier. The current situation sounds painful. I hope you can take good care of yourself. Hugs.
Thank you everyone. Sometimes it feels good just to get it out...and have someone respond- just to know I'm not alone.
I have been attending Al-anon meetings f2f since July. I am thinking it might be time to get a sponser to help me. Although I feel like I've come a long way I still have a long road ahead of me without a doubt.
And you are so right. I am mad at myself. I feel like a door mat. I'm not sure why I'm still standing in his smoke but I'm too paralized to move. I see the truth around me that previously I was too in denial to recognize. But I don't seem to have the strength/self-esteem to jump out of the fire. Instead I am standing here wondering what I'm doing. I can't breathe and instead of walking to fresh air I stand here longer just looking around hoping for someone to save me, wishing someone besides me could rescue me from this situation.
Your feelings and responses are so understandable. Please try not to be "mad" at yourself, but instead be gentle with yourself and recognize your progress (not perfection!). It sounds like you are well on your way to a better, serene life, regardless of what choices your husband will make. Easy does it. You're doing fine. Keep coming back...it does work. Incidently, getting a sponser REALLY helped me. I had been attending meetings for about 8 months and doing much better, but once I got a sponser, it made such a difference in my recovery. I realized that for the first time in my life, I was going to be the one who was going to have to rescue me. I had spent my entire adult life seeking out a man to save me in one way or another. Now it is up to me. Sending you support!
I was in this situation with my ex husband when we first separated and made the mistake of letting him stay a few times and I was always sorry. If nothing else it reminded me why we were no longer together and made me wonder how I dealt with that when we were together. I'm sorry you're going through this, just know that if you keep making decisions with YOUR best interest at heart things will get better. It's hard not to think of addicts like children who need us to take care of them even when they are full grown adults. I remember also feeling so resentful that I could be a productive adult and he could never seem to get it together. I'm wondering how letting him stay with you is helping you?
Your response makes total sense. Unfortunately it is you who has to rescue yourself from this situation, but all of us have to reach a point of pain which is so bad that it makes us change. I am sorry you have to go through this but I do have faith that your involvement and alanon will pull you through.
