The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You've written a well stated and truthful post here. You're not playing games with yourself regarding how you feel. So that's a big plus.
You're feelings are quite normal under your particular circumstances. I once felt all the "justfied" resentment, too.
Whem my ex got his second DUI and was forced to retire, I was a raging lunatic inside. I was scared to acknowledge all the resentment I felt. All that we had dreamed of fell apart that day. Or so I thought back then.
I no longer feel resentful. I did a number of things to work on this. I, like you, found al-anon. I continue to go to weekly meetings and attend the meeting afte the meeting with some close members. I read and re-read al-anon literature and non-al-anon literature. I meditate, pray for guidance and understanding. It's working. I've also identified many unconscious believes that do not serve me well and skewed my perspective. I've gained enough insight/understanding to let the resentments go. Everyone is doing their best. This is my belief now. It's all an on-going process.
Be where you are now - full of resentment - don't fight the fact. Just, if you can, observe the thoughts and feelings that bubble up. Try to detach from them. Sounds so woo-woo, or hairy-fairy, I know. But I did this and gradually it was like magic for the resentments were replaced with understanding.
There is so much to recovery. I hated it at first. However, I'm so thankful for my painful path; it's enabling to create a life that goes well beyond my wildest, greatest dreams.
Nowadays, my dreams aren't about obtaining the tangible things that can be easily taken away from me. They're all about internal powers that I never knew about until I began my journey out of the pain. I'm still traveling that path, but it's relatively light compared to a year ago.
It's quite possible that you can move from this stage of recovery onto the next, and next, and next...... it's never ending.
Sending you understanding, love and hope. There is hope that your life will get better.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 26th of January 2012 01:10:41 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Surfingirl's post about mourning the life you wanted got me thinking. I've been in a low grade depression over the past few days. Ive been separated from my AH for 6 months. Last summer he was on a steep decline, culminating in a binge that drove himinsane. And, after many warnings for absenteeism (a result of his drinking), he got fired from his job (where hed only been for 9 months). After losing his mind during the last binge he checked himself into a 3 week rehab and has been sober since.
This past summer was one of the low points of my life and is when I started therapy and discovered Alanon. Things are much calmer now. On the positive side, Im managing ok taking care of myself and my son. AH has almost 5 months sobriety, is embracing AA, and is working with a sponsor. I have no illusions about the seriousness of this, but at this point he seems to be taking sobriety seriously. While we are legally separated, he comes to see me and our son on weekends and we remain close. The best way to describe my marriage now is not "over" but "suspended."
Now that Im over the initial shock of what happened to him, a flood of anger is starting to come to the surface. I shuttle between feeling happy for him for doing reasonably well, and feeling completely resentful and hostile towards him. For starters, he lost a very good job which he worked hard to get. As part of our separation agreement, I had to pay him a good sum of money. Meanwhile, who knows when hell get another job in this economy. I hate that he did this. I hate thatI was left holding the bag and being the only one to support our child. I become irate at the thought that he may run out of money once unemployment ends, and ask me for money. Im not saying he will do that, but the thought is there. It is bad enough that he deprived me and our child of another income. I also am angry that this has caused an irretrievable rift between me and my own family. They will never be able to forgive what happened, and take every opportunity to remind me of how low their opinion of him is. And of course, I still worry about him, because I do still love him.
I dont know how to reconcile these feelings. On one hand I love him and am trying to be positive and happy for him that hes doing well, and hope and pray that his recovery continues on the right path. On the other I feel as if I have lost total respect for him and dont know if I will ever be able to trust him again. I didn't have any idea he was an alcoholic when we married and I feel cheated out of a "normal" marriage. Im just very confused by all this.
It sounds really normal to be having the feelings you are having, who wouldn't be angry about being blindsided. Justified resentments are the hardest resentments to let go of and taking those risks with someone who has hurt us badly in the past and sometimes more recently. Having the added peanut gallery well meaning as they are doesn't help either. It takes a lot of time and it is not a fast process. At some point though it will just click, when I am ready and when I am in a place feeling at peace with my decisions. Recently, I was reminded that I'm holding back on taking emotional risks based upon what my Q may or may not do is he in or out, is he going to drink or not, and this leaves me in a place of being 1/2 in and 1/2 out. Kind of like sticking my toe in the water to see if it is warm enough. By no means am I ready to do a full on dive in to finding out am I in. I am not pushing or punishing myself for having a very normal reaction to what is going on. I can only focus on today and being "in" today .. yes .. I do run the risk of being hurt however do I want to live my life based upon what others may or may not do? I really do not, all I can do is live based upon me and my own higher power. I've really been working on turning things over that are just to big for me and this is one of the biggies. I'm fearful of being rejected, I'm fearful of looking stupid, there's just a whole lot of fear in my life going on right now and I didn't realize how much until recently. I can't control what my Q may or may not do and I've been turning back to the 3 C's in the last 2 days in a big way.
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
NYC - This situation did not get so busted overnight so it's not going to get better quickly either. Even 6 months is a drop in the hat compared to how long it probably took for him to get this way.
I hear you doing a lot of worrying about what YOU need to do in response to his addiction and the damage it created. There are many things that are out of your control here. He is in recovery and it is up to him and his higher power to determine if he is going to work the AA program in such a way that he earns your respect back and even the respect of your family.
They tell us in AA that our ammends (steps 8 and 9) are mostly living amends and this means that we really apologize for our actions by acting differently over an extended period of time. It is HIS responsibility to make those amends to you, your son, and to your family. It will take more time for him to really do a thorough self-inventory (if he is actually doing the steps) and to realize how selfish he has been and how to go about righting the wrongs as best he can.
Meanwhile, you have your feelings and many are valid. You can pray for him and pray to hour HP for forgiveness, but don't forget that he is the one that made this mess to a large degree and it will be his ammends to make over time. You don't have to defend him to your family. If this is meant to work out, his recovery will facilitate all of it. Hence, when you pray for his recovery, you really are addressing the whole situation and you can start to just let go of your resentments. I hope this helps some.
I share many of the same feelings and concerns as you do. I have been separated from my AH for almost 10 months now. I still love him but I hold resentment and disappointment over him breaking our family apart and ruining our finances. He has lost his business, his health, and his family, as well as he now has to deal with the consequences of his DUI. He has to go to AA weekly as a part of his court sentencing, yet I pretty sure he is still drinking (I don't ask anymore, I just hear updates from others). I think the the ESH that has been provided here is excellent and I really appreciate all that have shared. I, too, look forward to moving through this stage in my recovery.
You mention that he is embracing AA and has a sponsor, that is awesome news considering how sick he was, it gives me goosebumps! Praise to his Higher power, wow!!
Reading your post, I am curious about how are you doing in your program, where are you with a sponsor and the steps?
For me, a sponsor had the ability to acknowledge my grief over all the losses, I didn't know I was grieving, I was very confused. I didn't know how to recover. I knew how to be sick, I did it for years (and I did it very well, I might add, lol )
But she did. She knew when it was grief. She knew when it was self-pity. And she knew when my resentments were eating me alive, and taught me how to do a step 4 inventory. Her wisdom moved me forward, into the ACTION of recovery, one day at a time. I could not do it alone or with book knowledge, someone had to coach me on a daily basis because I did not know HOW to sort through all the feelings I was having...
Relief!!!
For me, the program is about ME changing the things I can for ME. I couldn't sit back and wait for him to make any amends or make me feel better. I grabbed onto recovery with both hands because there was nothing else to grab onto, I had fallen into a very deep hole. My fabulous sponsor and Higher power pulled me out - all I had to do was provide the willingness.
I look forward to reading more from you ((my friend)) Take care!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you all for your amazing esh - all of you are so very wise and helpful. Gladlee - I don't have a sponsor yet and I will say that while I'm doing my best, some of my tools (and C2C) may be a bit dusty right now. This may be why I feel a bit out of sorts these day. I feel as if some of the initial shock has now been replaced with sadness and disappointment. But all this has helped me learn that I am where I need to be right now. I don't know how long it will take to feel the real effects of recovery, I guess I just need to let it happen naturally. Thanks again for your comments.
Sending you so much understanding and support. Your feelings sound so understandable, and I am glad you chose to share them here. The disappointment (mourning) can be so overwhelming and intense. I just wrote this in another post, but getting a sponser I could check in with daily was hugely instrumental in helping me deal with many, many difficult and painful feelings. More than I thought it would. I have suffered from depression, so I know what it is and how it feels. I have been medicated (saved my life, literally) and went to therapy for years. I am grateful for all of that. Turning to and trusting my loving sponser has helped me in a different and special way that was unimagined by me. Working the steps, though I am only on step 2 and it has been slow going for me, has made a difference to. I am not telling you what to do, but this is what has helped me. I am so glad you are here. I get so much out of your posts. Hug your little one. He is lucky to have you!
I've been exactly where you are. My AH and I have been separated since last April, and we now have an 11 week old daughter. I also go between resentment and intense hostility towards him for ruining our family and leaving me alone to care for a newborn, to feeling love and compassion for him. I second those who say get a sponsor. I've been regularly attending Al-Anon meetings for 2 and a 1/2 years, and just got a sponsor and started working the steps about a month ago. Doing that has helped me tremendously. She has helped me work through some of these feelings I have, and it really does help to have someone to call when I feel like I'm going off the rails. :)
(((NYC))) your honesty at where you are at with your program in response to Glad contains the solutions. For me it was indication of the "poor meees"!!, and the resentments I was addicted to. Yes we have our addictions and like the alcoholic and or addict if I do nothing about them, they will control my mind, body, spirit and emotions. The opportunities to return to that condition never goes away...relapse...when I am not "in" program and for me that is thinking it, living it, feeling it and intending it as a way of life for me. I have no desire to go back to "normal" considering where I came from. In program is most normal for me now and my old life abnormal. There was little there of value to me as I worked it and the consequence was that I got severely sick on all those levels. I was dead and just hadn't layed down for keeps yet. Thank my HP for abiding beyond my quitting stage...cause I didn't choose the program on my own; in fact I fought coming in and staying.
Conflicting Feelings are not facts. They are just conflicting feelings. Accept that you have feelings at all and that the past is the past. All you have to live in is the right now...work with that and you are not alone in this...we are with you. (((((hugs)))))
