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So I usually do the online meetings here most mornings... My Abf knows I do them... Yesterday morning we got woke up by a 7am phone call from his "friend" wanting to go out for "breakfast".... I knew what it was really about, whatever, nothing I can do.. So he went and I jumped on my meeting.. Of course he came back high... Then he stands by me and starts saying that I can't be talking about him in these meetings because it breaks his confidentiality with his probation..???? I explained to him that no one says any names and for the most part no one really knows each other except for on the computer... (for me anyways) Then he goes on about how I need to stop speeking about him and "talking about him in the third person". He says he talked to MY COUSIN about it and she said "that's all I talk about"... He says it's not right and yada yada... Just making me feel like crap about it... Now the thing that made me mad was that the fact that he was talking to my cousin about this... My cousin whom we have come pretty close since she moved in next door to us a couple years ago... We confide in each other and talk about bf problems and such... AND THEN she goes and tells him!? This is ACACTLLY why I don't hang out with many people because I feel only a few can be trusted... I should have known about this one tho because he bf is a meth addict and she dabbles in it herself... I'm sure alot more than she leads me to believe.... A few nights about my bf was really high and i told him to go somewhere for a while and so he went next door to hang out with my cousins bf... My cousin was at the casino all night.. Until about 4am... And I know her, if she was sober she would have slept the whole day away the next day BUT she was at my house in the morning... I'm sure they were all up over there getting high all night long... I know my bf didn't sleep and was super cleaning the next day.... I CAN'T CONTROL IT.... But it makes me made that because they must have all "bonded over some drugs" that she would just go against me that quick... I'm sure she probably got high with him and then let it all out... And to tell him that's ALL I TALK ABOUT....ugh SHE CALLS AND ASKS ME ABOUT IT.... Talks to me about her Abf... I know the thing is that she has an addiction of her own but she has always said that she has never seen anyone as bad as my bf..... The other thing is that my bf usually doesn't like going over there because he hates meth and knows they do it.... Doesn't really like them for the most part but is civil...
So, my question is.... Is this me? Should I even be upset or is this just me taking everyone elses inventory when maybe I should take my own?? I was so upset yesterday when he told me this that I just shut off my phone all day and was planning on just not talking to her... The only time she calls is when she needs something anyways... (to use my computer, money, smokes, a baby sitter, to vent about her bf) It's hard when they are family to "stay away" but I guess I will be more careful who I talk to from now on... What does he expect me to do? Keep it all in and go crazy? NO he is just upset that he doesn't want anyone to know the truth... And as far as his "confidentiality with his probation" LOL HE JUST DOESN"T WANT TO GET CAUGHT.... Not like I'm talking to his probation officer.... In which I have thought about many times and I sure as heck could..... Grrrr this just makes me upset.... I guess I just talked to my cousin because I knew she wouldn't judge me because she goes threw the same thing with her bf... Because when you talk to a friend that has NOT been threw it, they look at you like you are crazy and don't understand why you just don't leave already.....
One thing is that your bf was impaired and started getting paranoid and worrying about people talking about him (possibly he was feeling guilty), and so he started picking a fight with you. When you wouldn't fight with him, he escalated by adding in a third person. The psychologists call it "triangulation." "Yeah, you don't do X? Well, so-and-so said...!" That often works to get a rise out of people. So he succeeded in getting a fight going and putting the blame on someone else, not on him and his habits. Sometimes in our eagerness to take responsibility, we end up being blamed when we shouldn't be.
The other thing I notice is that you wanted someone to vent to and talk things over with (only natural), and that you chose someone who's a drug user and maybe addict. Of course she lives next door and she's your cousin so those would be handy reasons to choose her, but if she's so much into drugs, she's not going to have the insight to be emotionally healthy, plus she'll have poor impulse control while she's impaired. And it looks like that's what happened. I'm reminded of the saying about going to the hardware store for bread. It's a shame that she's not healthy enough to talk about emotional health with but that seems to be the truth of the matter. So this part seems to be an instance of choices --> results.
One of the hardest things for me has been to know when to take responsibility for something happening and when to say, "Hey, this is not my problem." Generally I get the two things reversed! Those things are my view of the situation, but you know it best. Hope that all is useful. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Kris, no it's not you. But you are the one that chooses to surround yourself with these people and their insanity. I know you won't change it until you are ready, but in the meanwhile your concepts about people, trust, friendship, love....all of those are becoming eroded because you are seeking these things from very unstable and unhealthy people.
I know you have your own insecurities and doubts as well as anxieties, but you are far healthier than these people you are seeking love and support from. I guess I finally do understand that bread in a hardware store saying...
I am praying for you to get some clarity and greater peace. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Hey there :) The book Getting Them Sober really helped put things into perspective for me and there was something I read from that author that went something like this: "You've got to want spirituality and happiness more than you want anything! (including that chaos you seek from him and your adrenaline rush that you get). When you know it, he will know it. Don't say anything. Its better if you don't. When you are no longer afraid to lose him he will see it and lose his power over you...."
This is how it worked for me, when things started turning around for me. I had to pray and meditate a lot to my higher power and ask for guidance. I had to accept me for me and go through a lot of my childhood traumas in a big journaling/cry session. After I did that, I wanted happiness and spirituality so bad that I began to change and I stopped tell him what I was doing. I read the AA big book and there was a part about accepting myself right where I was, and somehow that released me from the chains that were dragging me down. I stopped craving/creating/feeding into chaos.
Mattie is right on there when she talks about triangulation. Your loved one wants drama/chaos so he can get his adrenaline rush too. Its how he has lived his life, not his fault as a child, but as an adult he brought those behaviors with him. Living in serenity is much different, and I have to hang onto it every day and not give it away to those who wish to de-rail me from my happiness. Remaining teachable, humble and serene have all helped me and my loved one to continue on our journey together. As for telling others (especially family) whats going on when my loved one was in the thick of it (and me too) I had to learn to not do that. Because I found out the hard way that people will hold things over your head if they help you, make you feel very small if they think you are not doing the right things and that it just doesn't help at all. So I stopped giving out so much information about myself. If I didn't want to answer a question, I learned to say "I am not really comfortable saying" or something like that. With a cousin or close friend, I have really had to watch it, because I would tell them everything. They didn't understand because they didn't live with an addict/alcoholic... Take what you like and leave the rest...remain calm and don't react....
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am gonna take a slightly different angle on your question.... Yes it is you... It is you getting sick of this stuff, it is you seeing there is another way, it is you surrounding yourself on line by healthy information and therefore, really seeing the unhealthy stuff that is around you. You know that what is happening is not right and you have a direct comparison here on this board who is supporting you 100%.
I don't see anything wrong in you questioning who you are confiding in now adays. Since coming here, I find I leave my addiction type problems with my partner and family to this board. I have stopped talking to other people about it. They don't really understand, and no matter what they say, they are judging me. They do not have the tools to support me or help me so I don't vent to them about it anymore. I come here instead. I read something somewhere.. can't remember where now... If I tell the same story, to more than two people.... am I looking for help, sympathy or chasing an answer???? I chose this board to be one person. I watch how many people I now tell the same thing to. particularly people who do not have any tools to teach me. When my friends or family ask how I am going.. because I have confided to them in the past.. I say.. I am dealing with things in a different way now and I am feeling much better. I find most of them just leave it at that with me. They don't want to hear any more which says to me, they probably didn't want to hear what I was saying before either. I am sure for them, it was uncomfortable as they probably didn't know how to help me.
So I guess, it is your responsibility to chose whom you confide in, an din that way, yes it is you... it is you learning and being able to change the things you can. You don't want to change her visiting, or being your cousin... thats fine... but you are now aware that you may hve to re evaluate what it is you share with her. Talk with her about different things.... your son... your garden.. what you saw on the telly... your latest book... anything but drugs. If she gets bored with that.. that is her issue. Did she actually hellp you with any issues in the past, or was she your sounding board and you both bounced off each other happy in sharing but not really improving anything.
So far for me, I have found this learning curve is not always fun. It can be downright painful. I am glad you have posted, I was wondering how yo uwere going.
Aloha Kris...yes you are growing and you will grow more when you keep asking the right questions and listening to the responses and then doing the work to change what you can...mostly yourself.
Do the inventory on "Is it ME???"...look at what you've been doing and what you haven't been doing...both count and yeah it sounds like working overtime and still...both count. My alcoholic/addict and a ton more I have met had the same reaction (guilt and shame) as your addict is having and coming to you with. They do have perceptions and feelings and they do know the difference twix right and wrong. If he's worried he is worried because of the voice in his head not the work you do at MIP or anywhere else for your recovery. My alcoholic/addict wife said "I don't like you talking about me in your meeting" and I almost fell on the floor laughing because we had then recently discussed the self centeredness and selfishness of the disease and the alcoholic/addict. Sometimes the best response to the addict is "Life isn't just all about you" and then go quiet. I believe that I once said to my wife "No one knows your name and none of them care". That sounded kinda...sorta harsh and then that is what she was talking about wanting...complete anonymity which she had. Do your honest inventory...Made a search and fearless moral inventory of ourselves...the 4th step. It's okay to let someone else we are in a realtionship with key in a look for self searching. I'm grateful for that today because if I follow thru when there is the need, it is I who always grows from it. I've been in one since Nov. 8th...inventory that is and am about to take it to God and another person for a hearing.
I just read Jerry's response to you and it reminded me of when I first started going to counselling. My husband knew it was because he had totally relapse and I couldn't deal with it. I told him I was going to counselling because of his addiction. I was also journalling. He would see me journalling and ask.. YOu writing about me again? sometimes I would tell him what the counsellor said also when we did talk abouthim.
The time he asked if I was journalling about him I said... not always... "i had a life before you ya know"
I told him I was journalling and talking bout me and yes at times that included how my life with him was going... but not always.
I know for me too .. before alanon ? Safety in numbers .. I would turn to the same people obssessing on the same issue over and over .. Never could have even begun to hear an answer .. It was just like the divide and conquer approach .. better get a few people on my side quick .. Coming to alanon I'm finding Real safety in numbers through sharing .. That triangulation method always comes into my mind as strangulation .. Just got done dealing with it in an entire family system coming down on me .. it's rough .. I fully understand the crazies of the meth addicts .. They have their own Secret fellowship so to speak .. they aren't bonding with eachother they are bonding with defects, distorted thinking, feelings, etc .. we're not only as sick as our own secrets as they say .. we are as sick as everyone's combined when we come together .. There's alot of good wisdom on here .. I have picked up a few things myself .. the addict isn't even giving him/herself self care .. hard to pass it on to others .. they quit growing when they begin using .. They are numbing their thinking .. not changing behaviors, etc.. they don't get high because of me or you .. it isn't us they try to shut up .. it's their own voice .. in their doing that .. funny how we think they can even begin to hear ours .. not just with them but with anything rational so to speak .. They always listen to something but generally it's their own diseased thinking .. Hope you get something out of these .. keep on sharing .. & keep coming back .. hope this reads sense too .. just waking up !!
What Linda said really resonated with me too, I know I got a lot of you go to alanon because of me, and I was able to respond with "I go to alanon for me because my past is affecting my present which is coloring my future. I don't like who I see in the mirror." I don't know if my Q gets that or not, it's so simple and so complex at the same time .. it's about him in a weird way, however it's not really about him. It did stop the spinning that was happening and while we discussed I didn't react. Truthfully, it's not a conversation I would have with anyone if they were in an altered state of mind. There is nothing constructive going to come out of it. I'm really working on staying in the boundaries of my sponsor and program people. It's not always easy for me because I've just always been way to open. So I'm really working on discretion in who I speak to about what. I'm finding more and more the focus is on me and what I need to address, where my part is and focusing on just those two things.
I am saying more often than not I did not choose my Q by accident nor did he choose me by accident. Of course there is the basic attraction .. that goes without saying .. lol .. however it's more than just that .. it's about childhood and our survival skills knowing what to expect and so on. There are always those red flags we choose to look the other way. Maybe in the beginning they are either bright red, tinged red, really bright orange, or neon yellow .. there are signs that things could get interesting. That is on both sides of the street those silent agendas of if you do this then I'll do that and I will keep doing that. That whole "exciting misery" or "mood altering men" (we can change that to mood altering people .. lol), still that high and low and if that wasn't there it was "boring". I so remember my Q saying "You won't like living with me I'm boring." .. can we get to the boring part? LOL? Life has been anything but boring and I was right there churning the pot and that is my part that I will have to own and make amends for. This isn't about it being ALL his fault or ALL my fault .. it's just about owning what I need to own and leaving what is not mine to own.
I went on longer than I should have .. lol .. nothing new .. take what you like and leave the rest.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks everyone!!! Mostly all what I was thinking but you know with MY part of this disease I tend to second guess myself alot.. It's always nice to hear you guys...
