The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I love your log on name. Thanks for sharing a little of your life with us. You certainly qualify for membership in alanon and MIP.
So glad that you found us and alanon face to face meetings. I can see that you are feeling the benefits of attending and are willing to give yourself the gift of these rooms. You deserve to have the tools and support of Alanon so that you can successfully rebuild your life.
The 3 C , Living One day at a time, Focused on yourself are powerful tools of recovery.
Cong rats on landing the new job . Keep coming back and sharing the journey you are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 26th of January 2012 11:05:20 AM
I was married to an alcoholic for 40 years. He died two years ago and I thought that my problems with alcohol were over. I started a relationship with a recovering alcoholic just two months after I became a widow.
I did not realize that just because he was not drinking that he was still an alcoholic. I could see signs that he was not capable of being the man I need to have a solid relationship. But it was not until he disapearred for hours on New Year's Eve that I had to realize for almost certain that he was with another woman. I have no proof, but my heart knows.
I feel apart for a few weeks and then went to my first Al-Anon meeting last Thursday. I went to a counselor on Saturday. She recommended journeling. I also attended an Al-Anon meeting on Sunday night.
I applied for a job and was hired. I am 63 and had retired last year. With too much time on my hands, I dreamed or a close, loving, and especially exclusive relationship with my supposed boyfriend. He had been pushing me away for months. Said his bed was too crowded when I slept there, had me take my clothes home, limited the time spent with me.
I found some evidence on his computer that he had been contacting other women, but nothing solid. I asked to use his computer one day and he needed to go and erase some emails first. I have not used his computer since. I have been tempted to look, but did not.
When he disappeared New Year's Eve, I told him how disappointed I was. He admits nothing, but really does not have to. I have lost trust and cried for several weeks. I am doing some grieving for the marriage that I thought I should have had with my husband and for the marriage that I thought I was going to have with this man.
The first thing I was told at Al-Anon was the three C's
I keep telling myself that I did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure a person who is not faithful. I am still seeing him, but now with my eyes open and for one day at a time. I tried to attend an online meeting this morning and the chatroom would not work for me. I am going to a meeting tonight, one on Sunday and one next Tuesday.
One week of Al-Anon has helped me so much. I am giving up my unrealistic dreams and facing life as it is. I no longer have to be an enabler. I also have decided that when I am ready to date another person, that I will never again be involved with an alcoholic, wet or dry.
It does get better. Keep coming back. It is great that you are taking care of yourself!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds as if you're having the same experience so many of us have had. Our partner tells us who he is by his actions but we're reluctant to believe it. I know that in my relationships, once I was in, I was in. He could have been an international hit man, drug dealer, and polygamist and I would have said, "But I love him! I'll stick by him! I just want him to admit his wrongs and change!" I'm exaggerating -- but not by much.
The truth is that someone who was distant and withholding felt so familiar with me that my alarm bells didn't go off. I thought that was as good as it gets. I thought that path to success was to change things from within (to change him) instead of to pick the right person and then be the right person.
I think most of us have had this experience. Al-Anon has helped me figure things out so much. I hope you can find good face-to-face meetings too. Glad you found us!
I am just so new to this. I had been reading Melandie Bette's Co-Dependant No More and also Women Who Love Too Much. I thought that this would be a "Do It Yourself Project". The more I read and started facing my issues, the more upset I became. I finally had a big blowout crying and accusing session with the ABF last Thursday. Then I told him that I was never going to do that to him again. I told him that I need help and that I was going to get it.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting that night. I have been so much better, but have so much more to learn. I have decided that he is single, paying his own bills, and if he wants to date others, then that is his choice. He is in big danger of losing me and I am one of the best things that ever happened to him.
I am not ready to start dating again and it would be unfair to another man to have to go through these issues with me. I want to start my next relationship feeling strong and secure in my own life. I want someone to love me for myself, no because they need me to help them. And I want to feel the same way.
I have not decided when that will be, but just keep telling myself I did not cause this, can't control it and can't cure it. I hope I will be able to get into the online meetings. I had no success this morning, either using my PC or using my iphone. Don't know what the problem was.
Aloha Whitedove and a welcome from the Pacific side of things. Sorry with you on the loss of you husband and sorryer that the second time around was without program first and still it is what it is and now you've been into the meeting rooms where we get together and get and give support from and with others soooo very much like us. One thing I learned in Al-Anon is that not all bad character comes from inside of a bottle and another thing was that sometimes sobriety is described as being alcohol free where in fact it means soooo much more. The too you are learning to take responsibility for your choices and consequences and that is what Al-Anon has been for me. I haven't used the "Al-Anon hand shake" (visualize this...extend index finger at someone else and wag it up and down blaming them for the bad stuff in your life) for a long time cause I am responsible for my life and the condition of it. Having an alcoholic; dead or alive, married to or parented by or more to blame for the conditions and outcomes of my choices just didn't work after getting into and working the program. I sense you are that type of courageous woman...the kind that were around when I crawled into the room...who could and would do everything required to gain and maintain their peace of mind/soul and serenity. I have known many masterful females in recovery.
Soooo you're here and along with the others I am in support. Don't be afraid to reach out for help and/or lean on the program. It saved my sorry butt from the start and will do the same for others who's lives have been affected by someone elses drinking (alcoholism).
Thank you for the welcome and the kind words. Having help from others is something new to me. I have always been in charge and needing to control. I did not know that I was sick and needed help. Tonight at a meeting we concentrated on Step One. I am amazed at how good it feels to admit to being powerless to control anyone else.
My higher power is guiding me. I do not know how things will work out, but I am convinced that my life is going to be so much better. I have found more peace in my first week jn the program than I have had in my previous 62 years.
