The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What I learned after some time in recovery is that it's safe to keep doing what is working, and to STOP doing what isn't. It seems you already know that when he is not sober, and when you are already mad, it does not bring good results. It worked that way for me too so I had to tell him, now is not the time. We'll talk later. That was a new program behavior for me, I was always too eager to put my boxing gloves on in the past.
My goal in recovery is to stay calm, and not do all the behaviors that brought me here in the first place. If I feel myself getting emotionally hooked from talking to him, or anyone... it's best for me to postpone the conversation. If I don't, I usually end up saying things and behaving in ways that require amends.
I would suggest that you CHECK YOUR MOTIVES for communicating what you want to say, I know that when I entered the program, I still had the hidden desire to change him with some "serious conversations." It was hard to be really honest with myself about this. And my lack of honesty only contributed to my frustration. My sponsor taught me to discuss my communications with her first because it exercised restraint.... plus, she could always tell if I had a hidden motive. She would sometimes filter it through the THINK slogan, is the communication Thoughtful, is it Honest, is it Intelligent, is it Necessary, and is it Kind?
Email is somewhat safe. You can say what you mean, mean what you say, (and probably) without sounding mean. However...... I know for me, it still gave me an opportunity to be clever. As I said, I usually had an ulterior motive and if he got upset over anything, I could claim that he took it all wrong, lol. I did that a lot, I would cover a bad motive with a good one. My dis-ease is clever too, not unlike the alcoholic! My disease is clever, but it is not intelligent. Because I always ended up disappointed. Had to get honest. Had to work the steps before I got any real clarity.
I hope you're still going to meetings. In the beginning, I couldn't get anywhere fast with just one meeting a week. My sponsor encouraged me to go to 7 in 7 days, after that I maintained with 3 to 4 a week. It was necessary to propel me into this new way of thinking and behaving... none of it came naturally for me. I highly recommend it.
Hope this helps ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 26th of January 2012 10:25:26 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My AH and I have a hard time communicating. Sometimes it's because he's not sober. Sometimes it's because I'm mad. Either way; our relationship is not great right now. It's hard for us to have serious conversations without it becoming a fight.
I've found that we do communicate well over e mail. I can write to him at work and he takes the time to write back. I think it gives us both an opportunity to hear what the other is saying. Sometimes I read a message 3 or 4 times before I respond. That way I have time to think about what I really want to convey.
Is this okay? I wonder if it's hurting our face to face relationship. Am I giving him an out? Am I making it acceptable to avoid real and tough conversations?
I actually think this is a good idea under the circumstances. It is futile to have a f2f conversation with someone who isn't sober anyway - and yes, feelings of hurt and anger are very hard to convey in conversation as well. Writing things out give you and him a chance to reflect on what you mean and not just shoot from the hip, which, even if unintentional, happens in heated f2f conversations.
My two cents is, IF it seems to get the messages across then it can be a good thing; with mr ex-ah, I would take great pains to write out exactly what I was trying to convey and he would find a way to twist it and throw it back at me as just another way to fight with me. But if it works for you, I'd use it.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Some communciation that is positive is better than none right? I don't see a problem here except that it doesn't eliminate the need to still work on your relationship in other areas.
Initially when I attempted to communicate via email, I wrote, and wrote and wrote, and honestly, I think he "heard" blah, blah, blah, blah. I know I also tried to slyly make points and emotionally control (which never worked). My sponsor suggested instead that I write it all out for me, save it, and then delete so that it only contained what I wanted him to hear (3-5 sentences). I found when I poured out my heart, that more than anything I was giving ammunition to use against me. If the communication is short and factual, that was much less likely to happen.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
