The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I have to trust in my HP and I know that in my heart, I really do. Unfortunately, because I've been lied to so many times recently I really have trouble believing anything my AH has to say. I feel like I just don't trust him in any matter, at all, not just relating to his drinking and hiding it. This is really starting to bug me because I do love my AH, but I feel so hurt by his actions that I feel that trust and respect have gone by the wayside in my thinking and feeling. How do I truly get that back? Is it OK for today to just not be OK? UGH!
If your AH has lied a lot in the past, I think it's wise to be wary of trusting him. What has changed? Denial and deceit go hand-in-hand with alcoholism, and it takes a lot of recovery for an A to face up to that and make good amends. Even then I think it's wise for us to extend trust gradually, as we see that the person is trustworthy. They need to walk the walk. It's painful not to trust someone, but it's not always unrealistic. In time I believe that you'll know whether he's changed solidly enough for you to trust him. Meanwhile letting go of being sure is our challenge. The way I see it, the only thing we need to trust in these situations is that we can find a way to lead happy, healthy lives if we take care of ourselves. Hugs.
Trusting Higher power and trusting an active alcoholic are two very different things.
It is safe to be where you are at, feeling what you're feeling. For me, to admit I was powerless over alcoholism, was to admit my grief over it. I shook an angry fist at my Higher power many, many times....
What I found is, Higher power was big enough to take it. Higher power even understood it. Higher power supported and loved me anyway.
Keep coming, keep vomiting it up. ((big hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I do so understand the devastating loss of trust in my marriage. When I entered the rooms of alanon i had lost the ability to trust my husband, my god and myself. I felt better and safer in the rooms of aLnon so that I decided to trust the rooms of alanon and keep coming back
I slowly picked up the simple tools that were offered: meetings to break the isolation, sponsor to help me learn how to trust another human being and myself and the Steps to let go of the negative happenings of my life so that I could live again
Using all these tools I slowly regained my trust in HP then by keeping the focus on myself, living one moment at a time I found a complete trust in myself.
Once I had a trust in myself, and could listen to and hear the "still small voice within" I knew how and who to trust I knew how to say what I mean , mean what I say and not say it mean.
You see I was equally as dishonest as my partner. I could justify my dishonesty because I was being nice, not wanting to start a fight, did not want to hurt someone feelings but still I was living a lie.
Today I am kind and courteous to all, I trust myself,HP and my inner voice. I know that my intuition will not fail me and that I will have the tools and courage to live life filled with love understanding and healthy trust
They lie to themselves, we just happen to be a side effect to that. I know it's hard to not take it personally. When my AH lies (and he'll lie about lots of things, even small stupid things) I have to remember that the disease is one of secrecy and shame and they learn to lie to hide themselves, the lying seems to spill over into almost everything. Don't trust him, trust yourself. I know it is hard, I continue to struggle with this as well, take it one day at a time, be honest with yourself. Prayers and hugs.
It takes a lot of time to get back to that point of trusting and it's many little things that will build the trust. Trust is earned it's not a given. It is the disease that is lying and trusting in my HP, trusting in my own instincts and allowing things to play out the way that they should is really hard to do. We've talked about this in meeting and it's a great topic. Trust is a slow process to rebuild, I've just found that trust is about me not trusting me, and my HP. There are some really good reads in C2C and ODAATA that help when I'm feeling frustrated in that area. Meetings are great, sponsors as well, you will get there it just takes time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have chosen to pick what I trust him with. I also looked at my own trustwortyness and this is what really shook me up. I was lying that I was checking up on him. I was lying when I asked him questions I already knew the answer to when I told him I didn't know. I was lying when I kept my thoughts to myself but wanted him to know what I was thinking. In my opinion, lying includes withholding information that I should be told. By that definition, I was lying also.
I was doing addictive activities.
I have now chosen that I can trust him to do somethings but not others. I don't trust him at all when it comes to substances... or... I do trust.. I trust that he will use at every opportunity no matter what he says to me.. I trust that his promises will be broken when it comes to the things I don't like him doing.
I trust him about good things too. I know he will not cheat on me. I know he will bring me flowers and I know he will provide for me and love me.
I have to decide, on a daily basis, if step one is gong to get me through the things I don't trust.. or the negative trusts if you will. Do I accept that he will use and understand I am have no power over that? At this point yes I do.
I found once I decided that, I could develop trust in the positive things also. AFter that... I found I did actually love him again.
I completely understand! The lies almost become real to you....I even doubted myself at one point because my A refused to admit, it was and is easier to continue lying. Once they admit, they lose face. This AM my A is stating he is "speechless" that I left because he was not drunk last night. Well, I say, if it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, and walks like a duck...... Hang in there. Trust can be restored as long as there is no personality disorder linked with the disease....that is an entirely new bag of marbles. Admitting to the problem and facing it will bring trust back into the relationship. I wish mine would! Hugs!
