The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The members of this board have helped me through my hardest and most painful times and I'd just like to say thank you, I'm back in the rooms and so grateful.
I am, however, dealing with a situation with my best friend of 15 years. We've known each other since we were children, and she was actually very close friends with my ABF before we got together. It's been 3 years of addiction up's and down's but he and I have managed to hold our relationship together (for the most part).
He is now working his program, I am back in al anon, and we are both doing well, but his relationship with my best friend- his former friend- has disintegrated. She resents the CRAP out of him for his offenses against ME while he was using (or sober and still insane). It's gotten so bad he told me he can't bear to hear about her because he gets so angry, and she says she won't ever be able to forgive him for what he's done to me.
Until recently, I'd tried to be impartial, to hang out with my friend when my boyfriend isn't around, but now I'm finding that as I start to work my own program, her resentment and anger feels more and more toxic- and I'm not sure I can even continue with this friendship as it stands.
I sent her an email today explaining that she has also been hurt by the destructive disease of addiction, that al anon is for her as well as me, and I think it might help if she came to some al anon meetings with me. I don't know what to say but I feel stuck. I can't continue to place myself in the middle of so much negativity, but she is my oldest- and sometimes I feel my only real- friend.
Does anyone have experience with anything like this? I could use some ESH.
It's absolutely none of her business how his disease affected YOU. If she, herself, has been affected by someone else's drinking, then yes! she could benefit from al-anon. Inviting her is a great plan.
You may be able to salvage the relationship by just setting a boundary with her, not building a wall. Walls hurt everybody, especially me, because they isolate me. I set boundaries to let others know that I have my limits and I take care of myself.
But try saying no with love, not hostility. Let her know this is not something you care to discuss with her, it's between you and your boyfriend only. There are so many other things to talk about.
She doesn't need to be punished for caring about you, it sounds like she just cares. She may just need a boundary. See how that works first. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 25th of January 2012 03:10:58 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I came to al-anon with reactive, black and white, all-or-nothing thinking. If someone crossed my path, I cut them out of my life! My attitude was, "I'll show them!!!!"
I was so defiant. Life was sooooo serious. Life was so unhappy.
I don't need to do that today because I have TOOLS, life is no longer so black and white, or so futile. Today I know that people are doing the best they can, and I don't need to let my fears about them dominate me. I also don't need to get hooked by their fear.
When I resent someone today, the program guidance is to discover my part in it... and from where I sit, your part is merely ALLOWING this to be part of your conversation with her.
We have tools, one is setting a boundary. You can say, "I no longer want to talk about my boyfriend when we are together." If THEN she builds a resentment over the boundary.... because she can't control you or whatever... (because that's what untreated al-anons do!) then you will know. That will be the day of clarity.
The other tool is detachment. Detach from her comments, we have to do this all the time with untreated people. Yes, sometimes we need to detach at all costs to protect our serenity. To me, it really doesn't look like today is THAT day. Not yet, because I didn't hear that you had practiced any recovery tools.
But only you can know.
I do know, that I have had to make amends after I built walls with my sister, I detached at all costs and I was very hostile about it. Over time, it weighed so heavily on ME and I wanted to make amends to her, which let ME off the hook. I thanked her for all the GOOD she did for me.... what a difference when I looked at the good instead of the bad.
In support ((my friend))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 25th of January 2012 05:11:17 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 25th of January 2012 09:42:51 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I don't have any specific experience but it sounds like your friend cares for you very deeply. She is on the outside of all that is and has gone on and only seen/heard snipits of either your perspective or glimpses of what took place. (at least this is my guess...) I struggle with some of this myself in that people are not fond of my husband for how he has treated me - or at least what they have heard from me or from the impact on me that they have seen. They don't always get the full picture - they are not in it day in and day out. Sometimes friends can see things we cannot see or don't want to see and sometimes they just want to protect us. If I were in that situation - I would probably do what you have done. I would explain to my friend that I care for her very much and I appreciate the protectiveness she shows towards me but that I don't want it to impact my friendship with her. AlAnon might be a good place for her to learn how to let it go and still care about you at the same time.
I don't know... just my thoughts. Thank you for sharing!
Something that has happened to me in healing is that some key relationships have changed some in a positive way and some in a negative way. A little time and space sometimes gives things a new perspective, .. maybe I over shared, maybe the relationship is toxic to begin with and some things do come to a natural course of a death for lack of a better term. It really comes down to my actions speak far louder than words do and as I change I don't have to JADE my choices and my decisions. It is no one else's business as I am exactly where I need to be in my own healing. Whatever issue someone else has is their issue, I don't need to change them or fix them.
As she sees you change and as she sees you act in healthier ways I think people adjust to those things naturally and if they don't then maybe it is time for me to reevaluate my relationship with that person.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can relate due to the 7 yr. relationship my daughter is in. I care very much for her BF (who is not an A, btw) but he can say/do some pretty hateful things. But then so can my daughter.
I get upset with him..but really..it's not my place to resent or forgive him. She has signed up for this situation by staying with him and until something changes, nothing changes. He's done nothing to me and treats me with respect.
I allow my daughter to complain and cry on my shoulder but I also tell her "she is only where she wants to be". My kids hate when I say that, lol.
I guess my point is, it's not your friends place to forgive him for what he has done to you, it is only your place. There is no need for her to take it on. It's not her relationship. She can show her loyalty by supporting your journey...or not. That being said, this is another reason why we have sponsors to talk to. I realize she is your best friend but when we spill our resentments to friends and family it can backfire.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
my experience has been that my relationships have changed since recovery ... some for the better, some disappeared, but none stayed the same ... because I am changing
I've also learned that due to friends/family members only having heard/seen what "I" shared, they do not have the whole picture as I do. I don't know about you, but I was quicker to share all the bad stuff than much of any of the good stuff so others tend to have a very warped scene of my significant relationships with alcoholics.
I also had zero in the way of boundaries. Now, in recovery, I am setting boundaries ... these changes, as well as many other changes, are not always welcomed by those who are "used to" my old ways.
I have done my best to "understand" how my changes are easier for me than my friends (and my family). I do my best to be patient. But I also need to take care of ME. I have chosen to add space, not walls, between me and those who don't seem to be "getting" my new way of living. I've had a couple friendships that were strengthened by this technique ... but others have disappeared. And that's okay ... I believe that those were the people who were in my life for a reason and that reason no longer exists, thanks to my changes.
There is no easy answer to your dilemma. If I were you, I'd welcome some space ... be clear with your boundaries ... do not push Al-Anon unless she's had other alcoholics in her life - this is your answer, it may not be hers ... and PRAY. If you listen, your HP will guide you.
hope this helps ... God Bless You
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There are people in your life whom you unknowingly inspire simply by being you.
