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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> "I'm dying..." or not
Post Info TOPIC: "I'm dying..." or not
Loupiness


~*Service Worker*~

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"I'm dying..." or not
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I'm not here as much as I like, and only seem to be able to check in once a week or so.  So many new members since I joined a few years back, and the reason I came isn't devasting my life anymore.  I have come to acceptance about my ex.  I never thought I'd be able to say that.  My brother is an addict.. pot/prescription drugs/ alcohol, and moved here (with my cousins help who was certain he could help and that my bro didn't really have a problem) and my family has completely detached. The detachment came after much effort to get him to rehab.  He lasted less than 24 hours, as they found pot in his chew tin.  According to my bro, he was there for alcohol, not medically prescribed pot.  According to the counselor there, never in all his years of work had he seen someone in as much denial as my bro. 

Anyhow, initially it was pretty stressful as all our distant relatives allowed him into their lives, then expected his immediate family to "help" the situation when they saw how sick and crazy he was.  After the intial disruption, everyone has been very good about being hands off and letting him live his life without distrupting ours. No money, no visits, no place to store his broken truck so it didn't get towed.  Nothing. 

So, a couple of months ago, he called my dad asking for money to get some meds for his ulcer.  My dad  shared his Prilosac instead.  In the exchange, my mom made a comment to him that he should go to a Dr. because our biological mom died of stomach cancer. 

Well, I do not know if he did go to a Dr, or not, but a couple of nights ago, I got a call from him.  He sounded serious, and requeted a call back. One of the most valuable things I have learned from the wise folks of MIP, is to not respond for 48-72 hrs. I did call my mom, and she told me that she heard from my cousin that he is telling everyone he has stomach cancer. Also, by having cancer, his pot (which he has been adament bout not giving up) is necessary." Does he really? I guess it is possible, but my mom thinks she planted the idea, and it makes the continuted use of pot needed .  I do not mean to sound cold and callous, but to be totally honest, a death by cancer to me isnt as devastating as the horrid, deterioration that addiction causes. 

Anyhow, I need to call him back.  If he is calling for money, I know to say, "sorry, I can't help you", if he is calling to ask for rehab (in my fantasy world), I know to tell him to call my dad, if he calls me to tell me he "has cancer", I say  ????  All I can come up with is the suggestion he apply for Medi-Cal so his treatment can be covered.  I know I shouldn't project, but at the same time, I feel the need to be prepared, and he definately is going to want something, I just do not know what.

If anyone has any ESH to share in how I can prepare myself and respond, I sure would appreciate it.  The positive side about this is that I realize I am okay.  I have come to acknowledge and accept that he chooses to live his life in a way I don't like, but is his life.  It is all very sad, but just the way it is.  I don't know how it will turn out.  He may die,  he may live a life of insanity, or he may become a miracle, I don't know.  All I know is that I can love him (and will tell him so when I call) and choose to not have any part of the disease of addiction in my life.  His life is his and my life is MINE.

Blessings,

Lou



__________________

Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace.
~ Ronald Reagan~

Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't
~Marguerite Bro~
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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I can understand your hesitancy in calling him or him calling you.

What I don't understand is what good will it do for you to talk to him at all.What do you get out of it? How is this part of your recovery?

Of course it is up to you. It is the disease talking,not your brother anyway.

 But we all have to learn on our own.

He either has cancer or he doesn't. My ex AH got oral cancer. Put more havok in his life. I am sure more pain pills too. He has gone on like lets see four or so more years...

I guess if it were me, if he says he has cancer, I would say,"Oh you have gone to an oncologist have you? Did they do a biopsy? I wonder what he would come up with. He may not even know what those are. What was your prognosis?

If he is bad in denial then he surely is an expert liar due to his sickness of addiction.

It is horribly sad he is so sick. Just want you to be careful, and maybe think of you and what are the reasons you would talk to him. Not like it will be anything good.

But as humans we love, and sometimes caring so much, we just think we need to know.

Please come back and share if you need to. love to you and yours,debilyn

 



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Grace7


Senior Member

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I would roll with him in conversation, while asking questions. Write them down if you need too. He will have immediate answers if it is so. Ask how they diagnosed him. He should have ready answers, including biopsies, scans etc. Ask who he was referred to for treatment. Again, immediate answers, which should include an ocology group. Treatment options would include one or all of the following, surgery, chemo and radiation. Unless they would determine he was untreatable. Ask, what is your prognosis? What are the percentages of cure, if he doesn't understand prognosis. Again, should be a ready answer, not hesistant. Where is he receiving treatment? Suggest he calls the American Cancer Society and tell them he has cancer, they have Great resources for cancer patients, of course, they follow up with doctors reports. Also the suggestion to apply for financial assistance is good. You should be able to smell the "truth" out from this. Plus direct him where to go for "help" with his cancer.

I am recalling, addicts are terrific liars, thus don't be surprised if this is what you find too. As always, he "could" be telling the truth. Ah, fun isn't it. Not. As a nurse, we still have to treat our addicted patients as people and assess their complaints for validity because one time...they'll be telling the truth even if 99 other times they do not.

Sending you ESH.

"You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Loupiness

I know how hard it is to handle these calls. and how important it is to do so

I would keep it simple.  Say" Oh I m so sorry  What treatment does the doctor recommend?"

Listen atttendively and wish him good luck and say I will pray.  If he needs money for treatment suggest that he make an appointment to receive crisis care from the lovcal governement agency

Good Luck  It is not easy. 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Loupiness


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 831
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Thanks for the responses. I did find out that he diagnosed himself with pancreatic cancer. That was my suspicion all along. He went to the hospital and told them he had cancer and they had to treat him because his parents died of cancer there. They didn't really care (imagine that) and told him to go to the free clinic. So, he went to the free clinic and they told him they wanted to test for bleeding ulcers, bipolar, depression... and he said "no", he already had those tests. He also went to an AA meeting, and stood up and proclaimed that he wasn't afflicted from the disease of alcoholism, but of pancreatic cancer. The reaction there I imagine was interesting. He has said multiple times that since he throws up blood when he drinks, he cannot be an alcoholic. He told his ex wife of the cancer (which is how I got the details) and that he wasn't going to tell the family as to not worry them. Why then did he call me? I am not sure of his motivation, not that it matters, but I know the wants to connect to the family without having to give up his pot, and we'r enot playing.

If that all sounds crazy, it is only because it is. Alcoholism makes no sense. I am sorry for whatever sickness he has, but not anymore sad than I am for him being an active alcoholic/addict/pothead in denial. Cancer or alcoholism, they are equally hideous. So, I have decided for now not to call him. I may in time, just to tell him I love him , but I hesitate now because it may engage me in interaction that I do not want in my life right now.

In the meantime I will just keep plugging along and "keep coming back", for alanon truly has saved my sanity.

Blessings,
Lou





__________________

Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace.
~ Ronald Reagan~

Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't
~Marguerite Bro~
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