The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I agree that there seems to be some kind of demon in me, and I also agree that what I focus on... gets bigger. You know something is amiss, that your life is unmanageable. Now, you have a choice.
In recovery, we get choices. I have the choice to get to a meeting, where I am going to actually experience recovery, I personally couldn't get it from book knowledge. l had to see it with my own eyes and I had to feel it, for it to become real.
Or I have the choice to keep doing what I'm doing, my own sick thoughts spinning round and round, staying stuck. My sick mind could NOT cure my sick mind, I tried it.
When I learned about al-anon, I made every effort to practice the suggestions because frankly, my life depended on it... I ran out of choices. I had no choice but to get out of myself, and surround myself with other people who wanted to focus on the Solution. When I did that, I felt better.
"To move on, we must act.
Insights do not produce growth until
they are accompanied by specific actions."
You are worth it, Mel. Love yourself enough to just get to some meetings. There, they will love you until you can love yourself.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 23rd of January 2012 01:42:49 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I woke up today. So that's a start. I can't express my feelings of longing and desire. I can't express them because sometimes I don't think they matter. Is it normal for the alcoholic to shut down. To be unable to give what I need. Maybe it's not what I need. Maybe it's only what I want. I have been so sad recently because I want things that I can't just have. Things take time and maybe the feelings of love will take time to come back. It's just that I have been longing for these things for so long. I have been without love for so long. I have been sad and lonely for so long. I can't just turn off these wants/needs. I feel like I don't have the strength to just shake them off and get on with my day. Why do I feel so bad, why do I feel so unloved? Is it all in my head. Does he love me? Can I have faith that he does. I feel like my faith meter is so low that it's impossible to believe in things. I have to feel them constantly to know their there. I have to see the texts or the emails or the posts on fb. If I don't I think the worst. How come I'm so screwed up. Why can't I be a normal person. Why can't I love myself, even just for today. I struggle with these things, like I'm sure we all do. I have to put them here so that I can try to get on with my day. I have to send them out into this void so that I can learn to breathe. I prayed today for guidance and strength and courage. I prayed that I don't need anyone to love me because I can love myself. As much as I want to believe that, Im still struggling with....is that true. Am I good enough. Do I have enough good inside of me to love myself. How many more days and weeks and years is it going to take to believe in myself. I'm not asking for anyone to give me the answers. I just wanted to write all this down and get it out of me. I have a demon inside of me that hurts me. I feel the the devil is inside of me and he is trying to take over my thoughts. I hate this feeling. As soon as I wake up. I hate this.....
I have similar questions/thoughts as Glad lee. Have you been to a meetings Mel? You can't do this on your own and you don't have to. To love yourself more, you need to reach out more and let others love you more than being so dependent on this 1 person loving you. Get to meetings, build a network with more friends. Those people will love you and you will get to see the love reflected in such a way that it gets internalize, better abling you to love yourself. That is how it worked for me and it is how recovery works in general.
Coming here is good, but being very active in alanon F2F is even better in addition.
I am sorry you are going through so much pain right now, but from pain comes growth. You will be better for this.
This is common I think and in my experiance this is what the A does. My A created obstacles and arguements when everything was going to well. I was hit from nowhere and as he kept pushing me my reaction was crazier and crazier to what I was being put through. The things I did were stupid. But I was afraid, fragile, and desperate. I loved him and didn't want to lose him again. Everything got turned around on me by him. I was the problem, the lier, the crazy person and he couldn't be with a bad person like me. Now I realize I am sorry for what I did wrong and I must learn from it. But, I was reacting and therefore I was not the only one to blame. My exABF didn't want to take responsibilty for his actions nor did he want to accept my apology. Because then he would be at fault for something and many A's don't like to take that on. They don't view themselves as the bad guy. Unless that changes then I learned this cycle doesn't end. You end up on a roller coaster and that is no way to live.
Hi Sorry you are feeling so bad. Just a quick thought came to me as I was reading this. When I first started looking at myself and why my life feels like it has been total crap for so long... I came across a statement... "dependent on reassurance" I identified with that. I am dependent on the reassurance of others. I can't tell myself it will be alright, or that everything is ok. But if some one else tells me it will be ok, or they are not upset with me or whatever, I can handle it better. I actually feel like a small lost child in a shopping centre waiting for someone to take me to the information desk to help find my Mum if you get what I mean. I am trying now, to give myself my own reassurance. I don't want to be dependent on something.
I too am dependent on the reassurance and esteem of others...in order to feel okay.
I am trying to find a way to really VALUE myself...but I have a long way to go...I have a deep seated feeling that my only value is if I am making others happy...and that I am never quite good enough...I always feel I am failing..
It's a lonely place to be...
Hang in there...and have some consolation in knowing you are not alone in what you are feeling.
Can you get to meetings? Talk to anyone at those meetings? Al-Anon can help you - getting to meetings and finding a sponsor that can guide you through working the steps and out of this misery. Living with alcoholism is too much for most of us! Reaching out was a last resort for me but I had nothing left to lose and was completely miserable. I have an insane work schedule, kids/house but a very wise woman in Al-Anon said to make the commitment regardless. I did and she was right it is working far more than me just reading on my own did.
I can completely relate to how you feel. Those in Al-Anon have also been there and they can help you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to love and be loved. Nothing at all, however, it could very well be you are trying to get it from someone who is not able to be emotionally present and available. At least not now, and not in the way you desire.
Please go to some meetings, at least 6 of them before you even wonder if Al-Anon is where you belong (I venture to say you do, but you have to make that decision) and as you get healthier, you will know what you need to do, when to do it, and how to do it... so you can start living a life of joy, peace and contentment.
We will support you every step of the way, as you take this wonderful journey of discovery and recovery with us.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
It's in the rooms of Al-Anon that I realized how much I still wanted the approval of others. I've read countless self-help books. They all made sense - they seem to awaken things in me.
But I needed the people of Al-Anon to help guide me, provide support and understanding. With their help and their shares of their experience, strength and hope, I'm truly learning to not be a people pleaser.
I suggest trying meeting(s) and see if they resonate with you.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I too have identified with everything that you have said. Thank you for sharing. We are all worth it. I am finding that most of my life I've used others as mirrors - if they loved me I was worthy of loving - if they didn't I wasn't...if they didn't acknowledge me I was invisible.
I woke up today. So that's a start. I can't express my feelings of longing and desire. I can't express them because sometimes I don't think they matter. Is it normal for the alcoholic to shut down. To be unable to give what I need. Maybe it's not what I need. Maybe it's only what I want. I have been so sad recently because I want things that I can't just have. Things take time and maybe the feelings of love will take time to come back. It's just that I have been longing for these things for so long. I have been without love for so long. I have been sad and lonely for so long. I can't just turn off these wants/needs. I feel like I don't have the strength to just shake them off and get on with my day. Why do I feel so bad, why do I feel so unloved? Is it all in my head. Does he love me? Can I have faith that he does. I feel like my faith meter is so low that it's impossible to believe in things. I have to feel them constantly to know their there. I have to see the texts or the emails or the posts on fb. If I don't I think the worst. How come I'm so screwed up. Why can't I be a normal person. Why can't I love myself, even just for today. I struggle with these things, like I'm sure we all do. I have to put them here so that I can try to get on with my day. I have to send them out into this void so that I can learn to breathe. I prayed today for guidance and strength and courage. I prayed that I don't need anyone to love me because I can love myself. As much as I want to believe that, Im still struggling with....is that true. Am I good enough. Do I have enough good inside of me to love myself. How many more days and weeks and years is it going to take to believe in myself. I'm not asking for anyone to give me the answers. I just wanted to write all this down and get it out of me. I have a demon inside of me that hurts me. I feel the the devil is inside of me and he is trying to take over my thoughts. I hate this feeling. As soon as I wake up. I hate this.....
