Husband hiding alcohol causing my depression / anxiety - Al-Anon Family Group

cider · Newbie

Husband hiding alcohol causing my depression / anxiety

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon is the right place to be. Confronting him with the bottles won't do much cuz he knows he's got a problem and he's hiding them more to avoid arguments and cuz he's ashamed of his problem than because he thinks he if truly fooling you. Alanon will help you to get tools to manage your life without feeling that you are riding with him on his sinking ship. Yes, it is terrible what is going on with him, but there are things you can control in your life to make you feel safe, confident, and secure as a person and a mother. You can find this in alanon I believe.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome,

I hope you will consider finding an alanon meeting in your area. You have already gotten solid ESH above and it's important to take care of you regardless if he's hiding what he's doing or not. There is a good book called Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew it puts things into perspective as far as how powerless we are over someone else's addiction. Keep coming back.

Hugs P :)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I have just read Getting Them Sober, it's a good read and I think I need to read it again and again along with other Al Anon materials. I just went to the park that's 2 houses away from ours and found where he's stashing his empties: he throws them in the park trash can!!! Or, maybe it's some other alcoholic neighbor who just happens to drink Blue Moon who needs to throw his empties away at the park. I, too, have suffered from GI(intestinal problems) due to my AH's drinking, but I'm getting better. I really am working on leaving it in his court and I'm not checking up on him(I just happened to be throwing away a dog poop bag while walking the dog at the park this AM, LOL). The only time I step in and speak to him about it is when I feel that his behavior is detrimental to our son or is in danger of injuring other humans or himself. Then, I am calm and I speak my opinion. Usually I get one word answers from him where as I used to get him defending his behavior, etc. Now that I am calmer, he seems more ashamed and doesn't defend. He just listens and says he understands. Not that it changes anything but at least I've made my opinion clear and I've tried to set boundaries as best as possible. He is responsible for his own actions and my job is protecting us as best as possible without controlling him or taking responsibility for his actions. I have a 13 year old son so I understand and I'm not ready to leave our marriage. He's a great dad who happens to be an alcoholic. If that were to change and he were to turn into an abusive drunk, maybe I'd have to come up with a new plan. That's the beauty of being human. We have free will and we can pray to God and ask him to guide us in making the right decisions for our families. I will pray for you and I do suggest you start going to meetings. I just started going and they really are helping realize that I'm NOT alone!

sookie · Senior Member

Welcome--you are in the right place for sure. Many of us know the feeling of finding hidden bottles. It is hard for to identify a place/room in my home where I have NOT found them, including between our matress and box spring. Actually--I have never found them in my kids' room--but he has stolen money from their piggy-bank to buy beer. It's a very very sick disease.

Ugh. My heart would pound any time I would move a piece of furniture. If you can find a meeting and get some Al-Anon literature, it can be life-changing and will help get better whether he drinks or not. I am grateful to have found Al-Anon and it has changed everything but it took time and effort on my part. I am worth it though...

cider · Newbie

Thanks guys, he said he tried but failed to hang himself tonight cause I'm better off without him. He said he's leaving in the morning and he needs petrol money. Hes done this b4 and just drank the money away.

sookie · Senior Member

Ugh. Do you have someone near you can call?

cider · Newbie

Not really, I used to talk to my mum but I have pretended anythings been ok for a while now. She's been bit ill so don't wanna worry her. He doesn't have much family and I don't really have any friends. My first husband saw to that, he also had a drink problem by the way. Maybe it's me...

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's not you. Only pretending things okay when they are not is something that is harmful to you. You have a right to friends and family support. This support could come from alanon also. For him.... Possibly an inpatient psych ward or detox. Suicide attempts are pretty serious and here in the states, the attempt is all that is needed to be committed for at least 3 days to a psych ward.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I want to put your mind at ease with some facts.

He does not drink to be naughty or because he likes it. He has the disease of addiction.

It is not personal at all. He is ashamed of it himself, and really means it when he says he wants to stop. Most cannot stop on their own.

To punish him by leaving bottles out, or confronting him only makes it worse. Its not your fault either! You are only doing your best, you don't know how to be around an addict! Al anon can teach you this.

He is very sick, it is up to him and him alone to get help if he chooses to.nothing we do can make him do this.

for me I learned his disease was none of my business. It was a relief for me. I just loved him as is, and used my al anon tools to do so.

I could have chosen to stay the same and make us all miserable with the disease, or I could have had him leave.

I am not sorry at all I learned to accept him as is. Never arguing, learned to not be put off by the smell of alcohol.

Keep coming. I am so sad you feel so badly! His disease makes us sick too. sending you hope and love,debilyn

cider · Newbie

So, husbands gone off to work (I know cause we work in same company). He's apologised, as is the norm after the weekend and I wanna go and hide under a duvet. Looked online and found where I can go to meetings. May even drum up the courage to go... We'll see. Thanks everyone (she says with tears in her eyes) x

danni · Senior Member

I really hope you can get yourself to a meeting. You deserve the help and relief that Al Anon has to offer. I am so sorry you are going through this painful situation. Living with an alcoholic can make us very sick ourselves, and and it sounds like you have had to suffer. You do not need to go through this alone. The meetings will offer you instant community and support. Sending you tremendous support, compassion, and understanding. Big, big, hug.

rrib · Senior Member

Drum up the courage then reward yourself by spending 'his' petrol money before he drinks it up. smile

John · ~*Service Worker*~

The alcoholic drinks and gets drunk, the untreated Al-Anon (those that love them) are the ones who go nuts, trying to figure out a way to control what they themselves are powerless over.

Give yourself a break, it is way to much and too hard a job, (one without any benefits) to try to fix him, or spend your time and energy trying to find his cans so he can see how darn smart you are....

Instead, put the focus on yourself, get to some alanon meetings asap, and the insanity inside of you will come to an end, no matter what he is or isn't doing.

Breath, inhale and exhale,.. remember you don't have to drown in the dis-ease with him.

John

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.