What boundaries for a 17 year old son - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

What boundaries for a 17 year old son

johnmarcia · Newbie

Our 17 year old son is a HS junior and will be 18 in May. This year he changed. He smokes pot. Keep sodd hours. Does not clean his room, do his chores, never gets himself up and most upsetting he is very disrespectful to my wife and me. He seems very anxious about college process but doesn't so too much to improve the situation. I really lost my temper last night when I got up in the middle of the night and he was up playing video games. I yelled at the top on my lungs. I feel like a failur and enabler - I pay for his cell phone, internet, and private school.

I have a film with him that is getting worse. I love him and I hate living with him.

How do I set boundaries or do I just detach and let him self destruct.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome,

I hope you and your wife will consider attending alanon meetings in your area. It does help and it also helps come up with where to draw the line in your own situation. Finding an addictions counselor for you and your wife as well. I don't think counselors work well for people who don't understand there is an issue, at least that has been my experience. I do know for me and my willingness to take a look at my part it has helped me tremendously find new ways to cope with old behaviors from myself. As I change so do the others around me.

Hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, both as a parent and as a child, consistency is key. Once you figure out what the appropriate rules and boundaries are (and lay them out clearly), being consistent about them is absolutely crucial. The child will push and push to test whether you are consistent. My own parent's inconsistency used to drive me crazy. I never knew what to expect. It made me kind of paranoid. "Are they going to jump down my throat or are they going to ignore it?" Reactly calmly but decisively would have been the best thing but they did that least of all. It didn't teach me how to self-regulate. It also made me feel insecure. I could have dropped off the edge of the world and they might well not have noticed. It made me feel as though keeping myself safe was all up to me, with no guidance. That's a bad feeling.

Now that I'm in the parent role, I see how hard it is to be consistent. You certainly have to pick your battles and not set rules about every little thing -- drug use important, taking dishes to the sink not so important. But I try to remember how important consistency was from the other side.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I honestly believe families do better to set the boundaries and consequences together.

Having a class room of all at risk kids his age, we all got together and made what made sense to all of us.

Then if they blew it, all ya gotta say is,"I sure would not have made that choice but you know the consequences!"

That simple. I have seen miracles with this. It gives them a sense of their being part of the process with out having any reason to be mad at you. I would keep it written stuck on the inside of a cubboard. He may say he hates you, thats normal. I always said oh I know that means you love me.

I had three classrooms made to one for just me. Just little mom me. I am telling you this stuff works.

He knows not to abuse you. He knows it is wrong. He knows all the things you want.

So talking writing it down you will see that. NO getting mad, just listen, compromise if you can. Talk to him about smoking pot. what makes him want to? Does he see he is changing and you see it.

I had kids tell me things that made my hair stand on end. But I did not react. I may have said ARE YOU NUTS??? lol I would say, why don't you just talk to your parents??? Most all said they do not listen.

so they feel they don't. whatever they say, even if it is dumb, its how THEY feel! parents react. don't react. Its hard but this kid can leave in a year.

saying oh you don't mean that, or oh you don't feel that way is a real put down.

I feel I want to be goth and dye my hair black and blah blah well hmmm that is cool. What makes u want to do that? It sure is not going to hurt anything.

This is when they are turning from a kid to a young adult. If he wants to play video games what is the problem? Probably becuz he is messing up in other ways. But you reacted, did not just talk and listen.

Maybe he had a fight with a friend and could not sleep. Maybe he is scared of leaving home. I tell ya boys especially sometimes, feel weird when they feel intimidated by their parents so they do weird things to pull away.

I lightened up. Just loved them. shook my head a lot and smiled.

Once you get the primary home boundaries and consequences down, the rest will be easier. do not say rules or authority or this is my house...lol

Better to say he kiddo this is our house, we are a family why don't we all figure it out together and we promise to listen and not freak out.

He is not hopefully going to be with you forever. But things are very hard in the world now,no jobs etc. He needs you even if he does not want to say it.

Its a hard thing but we gotta love them, yet let them go too. I always said they are four year olds in big bodies.

the huge football players would go to timeout for me!!! I would tell girls not to talk to him as he is in time out. lol course they all laugh but they did not get up either. Some thought it was cool that I cared enough to put them in time out and would tell everyone. parents could not believe it.

My mother was like this too.

Its a neat mindset, it gets you close to them again.

hugs, glad you are here. debilyn

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