How long before he can't hurt me anymore? - Al-Anon Family Group

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

How long before he can't hurt me anymore?

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

This might give you some peace...

You don't have to sign ANYTHING you don't agree with.... a divorce decree is an "agreement." No one can make you sign it, not even the judge. Signing something that I don't agree with, is a codependent act. I was told to run all agreements by my sponsor first, and I agreed to that because I know myself, I am a codependent person, I am "the Go-along to Get-along Girl." So this was my way of protecting myself.

Also, our program suggests that we pray for the person we resent. I know! I know!!!! I could only do it with a clenched jaw at first. My prayer was simple, "God, bless him. And help me." And sometimes I couldn't put any words together, so I just pictured him surrounded by Higher powers healing light.

Consider that he is spiritually sick. He needs Higher power, as much as you. (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 21st of January 2012 11:13:02 AM

-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 21st of January 2012 02:14:29 PM

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm still reeling from mediation yesterday. Here I am taking care of EVERYTHING...paying ALL the bills...doing all the repairs on the house, working 60 hours a week....and barely making it on my salary (I owe my parents 7k for loans for a new refrig and my divorce lawyer)

Meanwhile, my AH has been unemployed for nearly 2 years, lives with his sister...etc

and he has the nerve to demand $587/week in alimony! What man seeks alimony from a wife?!! This is more than half my take home pay. He says he has to do it to protect himself from child support claims from me.

Gee. How outrageous...the thought of financially supporting YOUR OWN children.

I am trying so hard to keep it all together, be a good person, keep doing the right thing by my kids..keep my chin up....and he's trying to take us all down with him.

Please pray, that when it comes time, the judge on the case will see the truth through his alcoholic lies.

Still scared of how this may end...I don't want to lose my home...and I will if he is successful in getting his alimony...

stopandchat · Senior Member

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. (((hugs)))

I'm in a very similar situation, and with an 11 week old daughter.

Glad Lee has given you some very sound advice. I can say from experience that diving into my program has helped my sanity tremendously. Although I have regularly attended Al-Anon meeting for 2 1/2 years, I just recently got a sponsor and I'm finally working the steps. Everytime I feel the resentments for my AH build (and there are MANY), I call my sponsor and she brings me back.

You're not alone.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I am on board with glad lee on both of her posts. He only has power if you choose to give it to him. I understand being angry, hurt, confused and extremely outraged over what has taken place. The reality is instead of focusing on the what if's or what could he do, and this is just a suggestion if you don't have a lawyer I would be scheduling some meetings for free consultations and find out what your rights are. You work at a college if I understand correctly I would tap a professor if they offer any kind of law classes and go that direction as well they might be able to refer you to someone who would or could talk to you on a non charge basis. Strictly as if it were me kind of thing. They would know the laws and what is ok and what is not. I just don't buy the judge will say that is ok only because you have to make soooo much more money than you do for him to get 1/2 of your income. That's absolutely bizzaro. Most of all DO NOT sign ANYTHING at this point because you do not agree with it. They are trying to scare you into thinking you HAVE to and just like glad lee stated you do NOT have to.

For your own sake of mind slow down and take time to take care of yourself. Running around like henny penny wondering if the sky is falling is not going to serve you in this situation.

Big big hugs, in a tremendous amount of support as well, hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that you are dealing with an insane person. If he were a paranoid schizophrenic with hallucinations and he were claiming that aliens had replaced you with a clone and therefore he should get a settlement, you wouldn't take him seriously, right? Because that would be crazy talk. Right now what he's saying is also crazy talk. His lawyer is going ahead with it just in case. And some exes can be cowed into coughing up money, so they're probably hoping you'll just agree. But you won't because you know the idea is crazy.

I know of two cases in which the non-custodial parent was jobless and penniless. In both cases they were still required to pay child support at the minimum rate. In one case it was $150 per month and in the other it was $200 per month. The thinking is: "I don't care if you're out of a job, your child still needs food and clothing." They had all kinds of arguments about why they couldn't work but the judge still made them pay child support. So that's a data point.

I am remembering the saying, "Expectations are premeditated resentments." It seems as if you are still expecting him to think sanely. Unfortunately, they just don't. Meanwhile, it's so important to take care of your emotions. You deserve to feel happy. Hugs.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

THANK YOU Mattie!

It's true. I'm angry and sad that he can't do what's right...he's lost it..and I need to accept that.

I also need to trust that things will be okay (that is where I'm having the most trouble).

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I often ask myself that question. "He" my AHsober doesn't know he hurts me because he is not in a recovery program. Your HP will help you get better.

Nancy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am going to try to share my experience. Hope it makes sense.

In my life, I honestly believe no matter what happens, things will be ok.

I was basically homeless. lived in a sunroom on the end of my barn. no plumbing no power till I dragged a cord out there. I was ok. in fact i have some nice memories.

My husband died when I was 28. I had two babies. We were ok. then I was thinking I was really going to be homeless when I moved out of my five acres. I decided well whatever, I have a car to live in with my animals can put up a tent or teepee somewhere, it will be ok. and is was and it is.

If I lose one of my kids or someone else I really love, it will be ok no matter what. For one thing I have total faith in the creator. That is everything. YES things are and can be horrible and hard, but we keep going and it is ok.

If you lost your house, I can guarentee you would be ok. YES it would hurt, be a huge change, but you still have control over what is next. Change is hard but we are survivors, we make things ok.

this is not out of your control. No one is going to force you in most things. I am very stubborn and independant. I don't give authority anything more than anyone else. If they earn my respect and respect me fine, if not, bye.

You are a strong woman who I am sure does not feel like it. Shame on those people if they are evil enough to try to tear you down. But they cannot becuz no matter what you will always be ok. I mean that.

You just would not believe the miracles I have had in my life. Just tonight a stranger and two others unloaded a whole huge truck of fire wood for me. free. I had emailed them if I could get a hundred bucks worth as I could not do the full one seventy. He emails back, you must be having a hard time. I am going to bring you a load for free. what???

I have such great faith honey. I never expect anything, I just KNOW things will be tolerable and I will find happy somewhere.

Low on food, I broke my rib so its hard to drive well I can't. I cleaned cubboards and found stuff to make for dogs cats and me. nothing fresh though. I thought about all the starving people in the world and decided to just make do till I go to town on Wed. guess what? I get an email from a friend saying hey make a list I am bringing you some stuff.....just like that.

I take this one homeless guy who lives in a box car stuff. I donated nice work cloths. I give where I can. BUT not to get back. I am saying miracles we do for each other are out there.

It makes things happen to be "ok"

My AH used to threaten me about things too, i just said that hated. whatever. I cannot stop him or control him so I take each day, do what I have to do then I rest, play, laugh.

You know I always said I wanted a man who could have fun on being stuck on an island, one who could accept it and make the best of it. I think I have gotten good at that. sure is less stress.

hope you find this. I know you can,no matter what you will make it ok.

hugs,debilyn

kael1539 · Veteran Member

So sorry you are going through this! I am just now trying to turn the corner from hating my husband and just hating the disease. I just started really working the steps and devoting myself to Al-Anon. I'm not going through a divorce but I'm not far from the anger you are feeling and the anger at the fact that your AH is not acting like you would expect a decent man would.

It seems like you are seeing is his disease in full swing. He is probably scared to death to lose his financial lifeline, which sounds like has been you, because then he would have to face his disease just a little more. Second, remember the disease WANTS you to be in a frenzy and react. Anger, fear - all of that just supports the disease and not you! It is all feeding it. I don't know your situation but perhaps his diseased mind thinks he will scare you into going back to whatever dysfunctional situation he would like to continue. This is where you can let go of your fear - hand it over to your HP and start taking care of yourself. He is in the throws of his disease and is only going to throw out craziness to get you to react - EXPECT that, not for him to act like a decent person right now. You are a STRONG person, you have to be if you have already been supporting him and probably already put up with so much craziness. Your HP will give you the answers, and you will get through this. You have more power than you think.

Also look at what you can and can't control. Not him, thats for sure. But you could focus on your emotional health and Al-Anon, a sponsor, the steps, "detachment" - the solutions, not the problem. Sending you much love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.