The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I have shared I have an Intern. I have shared I stopped growing when I began obssessing on the addicts and alcoholics in my life and that for me that was around 5. Seeing how I stayed stuck in feeling 5. My siblings moved out (My parenting came from them) I was alone. For years I thought I was abandoned and I know today it was self abandonment more than anything else. I am seeing not only had I stayed in the mindset of a 5 year old which makes complete sense today that as a 5er I would be obssessing on All of my fears And others . Not being able to separate what's real and what's fantasy, Worrying myself to sleep over what People think, listening to my tantrum voice instead of others' voices of reason, fears of failure mistakes imperfection .. viewing God as an invisible Ghost, etc.. Lack of confidence and security and Self Esteem based on what others think, feel about me, etc.. What I also see is that I had Stuck beliefs from my childhood, past, etc.. friends from highschool, none of which would help today or in the real world .. family ideals, etc.. lists of rules, shoulds, etc.. Obssessing on friends, coworkers, etc.. people defects to make mine feel better then Feeling Guilty because I lack the power to turn off the wheel (by Myself !!)
I find myself in the Grips of this devastating disease through the effects of alcoholism lately and am Really seeing the inner child struggles .. when I'm at work when I'm walked around being introduced as the new girl, I'm seeing the deep levels in me of shame and remembering when my brothers would do the same at school with me, the feelings of what's wrong with me and most of the time my family trying to figure out why I keep insisting there's something wrong; they would say I don't know what's wrong with Her .. In truth what was wrong was the alcoholism but I found myself really getting on the wheel in the office in my head and i couldn't get off .. I felt abandoned by God, it was all useless .. then the guilt crept in because I was sure others just knew my childhood, fearfilled shame, etc..
well i went to a meeting this morning and we talked about something similar .. i know there's times I've meditated on defects rather than on God .. I know there are times when I'm at work I feel the 5 year old intimidation .. I know my attitude kicks in and the wheel starts and I can't jump off, etc.. it goes too fast .. then I feel the guilt when I'm staying quieter and i know after this morning I begn to tell myself the problem is when I go There but the problem comes home with me in my mind as do my coworkers reminding me forever more the Problem is in ME .. i also need to remember that I'm not being silent today .. I'm sharing and speaking up in the most painful way .. This is So humbling and crushing to my Ego which no doubt needs to be crushed a little and yet I abandon my faith usually first .. My Real problem is My own fear .. it's not so much what's going on .. my fear is that I will have dealt with this all the same way I deal with the first however many years .. by doing nothing and fantasizing . . regardless of where I am I need to voice it .. I feel this major anxiety over things and after 7 years I thought this would be done finally .. I'm such a lifer .. thanks for letting me share ..
hoping noone will think I'm just this crazy basketcase and if they do hoping noone will tell me that .. half lol
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 20th of January 2012 04:58:56 PM
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 20th of January 2012 05:02:00 PM
Part of the problem is Also that I Really Believe I am alone responsible for others feelings which is why i think I'm supposed to be the life of the party Major overkill on what's mine .. !!!It's also making sense why I'm so friggen Scared to make a mistake ..
I'm also a little tired because for the past few months with my sponsor, it would seem she blows me off alot. her stuff always comes first and I understand she is the one giving the service but there are times I call and no calls back whatsoever yet she's been a great sponsor and has so much wisdom that it's hard for me to change .. I understand having sponsees call so much would get hard .. I don't expect her to fix me (anymore) I know today she is not God .. It's just that I do and have felt like if she feels like it eventually she might make time for me .. (I'm Always last on the list) I'm frustrated as I type this because I just got a call .. we disconnected and when I called her back she said Again she wasn't going to answer because she's picking someone up and it's always I can't talk now I'm busy so I'm thinking Why did you call ? (when you Clearly have no time Again) was it for me ? or to relieve something in her .. sighs .. I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with me again .. through my sponsor ???? I'm angry .
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 20th of January 2012 05:12:59 PM
Yep, I remember this in the beginning. My sponsor told me, "Time to stop thinking. No more thinking. Stop. Stop. Stop."
It's the obsessive thinking that is causing the suffering, sweetie.
There is no magic wand, no instant cure, it's just one day at a time for all of us. Nobody gets it overnight. You have only very recently opened a big can of worms, a life-long project if you will, and while it feels uncomfortable, you just gotta TRUST that the healing will come. It comes from experience, not from book knowledge. We just start practicing the steps, it's a program of action, not thinking. Before we know it, we start feeling better.
When I couldn't reach my sponsor, I knew it was an indicator that I had to "go direct." Usually I would head to the Nature Trails and take a walk, that's my best way to feel a connection with Higher power.... nature is my best medicine.
I also found it was important to have numerous phone numbers from the fellowship, I thought I should spread my misery around a bit, lol
Whatever you do.... no more thinking!!! Take a break. Turn it off and get out of yourself and your self-obsession. Do something fun for a change!! Maybe watch a movie, eat some popcorn, anything. But no more thinking, you deserve a break.
The healing will come. It's going to be okay. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I know how painful this necessary stage is. I hear the 3 As in your share. The awareness is difficult but sitting in the acceptance phase without jumping to action is rally really important. . Use a slogan, over and over in your head, call other members, come here and post. It will pass and lift. It really is a process and you will be fine.
Just keep showing up, using your tools and this too will pass
I also can see the awareness in your writing. Just awareness is not good enough. You have to get to acceptance and "it is what it is." And then you also have to remember the good stuff. Holy moley, you have a great job and a new promotion? You must have done something right to get that. Start obsessing on what you did right! And continue to get to face to face meetings where you can see peoples' reactions when you share and realize that they don't automatically judge you. They are totally accepting of you. And you can see it in their eyes and smiles and nods of their heads. Look up the poem Desiderata on the web.
WWhat people think of you is none of you business, I have to tell myself that 1a lot. And maybe make a gratitude list, might help you see all the great stuff going on. Acceptance e is hard, but possible. Let go and let God. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks for sharing. You mirror me in ways I have not had the courage to write, and then I am shown ways of tuning up my thoughts and behaviours. Am greatful
