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Oh man. I sooo remember this. The fear of divorce. The fear of the outcome.
It was early in recovery for me, and my sponsor told me this was a time where the rubber meets the road - it was a time to stand strong in faith. But I had to make the choice. A decision (I was in steps 1,2 and 3 through the entire divorce.)
I remember stepping up my meetings and meditation time, or else I was too paralyzed with fear to get out of bed. I admit, I practiced step 11 waaay early, but it was the only way I could function.
One day, I had an amazing thought after meditation, it occurred to me that he was probably as afraid as I was. Interestingly enough, he walked into the house shortly after. He said a few words to me about how we needed to split something else... and I very calmly responded, "Do you want my coat too? My purse?"
He was stunned. Deep inside me, at that moment, I felt compassion for him, and saw him as just a mirror of my own fear....
And he sensed the change in me. He was speechless. He backed off. The tide shifted. It was a big moment that changed things.
When I can sit in the true belief that God is going to take care of me, I can relax. God didnt bring me this far just to drop me on my head. But I have to affirm that daily, and trust it. Or else, I fall back into fear. That's why I gotta "keep coming back."
Surrender and serenity are the same, I dont think you can have one without the other. It is an act of FAITH to detach from the outcome, rather than become a slave to it. And it is the ultimate foundation for a spiritual life, that is how I perceive the first three steps.
It takes courage to surrender, my sponsor was constantly telling me, "Courage is Fear that has said its prayers" and "Courage is not the absence of fear...."
Dont get me wrong, in divorce mediation, I asked for what I believed I needed for me to be okay in the future... I asked!! I believe God expects us speak up for ourselves, to be responsible! But once I did that, I let go of the outcome. (took a LOT of meetings and calls to my sponsor, lol)
But it worked out just fine.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 20th of January 2012 01:02:12 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
In divorce mediation today My AH and his lawyer not only demanded 1/2 my retirement, but he wants $587 a week in spousal support, and wants me to pay for health insurance for him.
My take home is $3500/month...my mortgage and insurance are 1400 -- so with me paying that level of spousal support that leaves in the negative.
I am flabbergasted that he cannot see how this is taking away from my ability to provide for his children...all he can think about is that HE needs insurance, HE needs income...honestly, it is unbelievable.
He has not worked in 2 years...and still demands that I take care of him...and is determined to take food away from his children so he can live and not work.
Dear God, I can't believe he is stooping this low, and I can't stop crying...
Big hug! Sounds like a tough and emotional meeting!
One of the things that the program has helped me realize is that my anxiety is not fact. I think it is crucial to remember that just because he ASKED for that, does in no way mean that he will GET it. In fact, it is probably common to ask for WAY MORE so that then when you get is LESS but still alot. Either way, you can STAND YOUR GROUND and not give him what he asks for. Since this is mediation, you have POWER to say what will and won't work for you. AND whatever you give him, you can put time limits on. Maybe you will end up paying some spousal support, but it doesn't have to be FOREVER. It could be for the next 6 months or the next year. What does your lawyer say? What does your lawyer suggest your strategy should be? Getting legal input seems like the next right step.
I know for me, because I hate conflict, any kind of fight is extremely anxiety provoking. And, when someone asks for something or fights for something when I want them to be agreeable and reasonable, it has been a shock.
So, of course, you're surpised/shocked. But you can gain your bearings, you can make a plan, and you can figure out what would be in your best interests and work from there. Many people on here suggest making a plan "B" -- perhaps you need to create a variety of what you'll do if X or Y happens. I can say from experience that planning is a way to reduce my fear. If I am in fear, I cannot think or take a solid stand.
You can stand up to him and his lawyer. Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.
I completely agree he can ask for the man in the moon it doesn't mean he is going to get it. I wish I could send you a pm. I guess I can share that I know of a situation where a spouse has given the soon to be ex 1k a week. I know by state standard they are being very generous as the amount required is less than that and that family the primary income earner is 300k a year. I find it so hard to believe that his lawyer or yours thinks in any way he's going to get that. The situation I know of the other spouse works and also makes good money. Any situation the judge and other lawyer had specifically said the soon to be ex had to have a job. Even after 35 years of marriage and as little as 7 years. The other more expensive marriage involves a lot of assets as well as two kids. Please take care of yourself at this point you really don't know what the outcome of the situation will be I have a very hard time believing that any court would agree with his delusions that he is entitled to what he's asking for. What is your lawyer saying at this point?? I will be praying for you. Take some time for some major self care. Now would be a good time for a meeting and/or call to your sponsor if you have one. Again, he can ask for a brand new porsh it doesn't mean you have to deliver it. Big hugs, p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am hoping you have a lawyer of your own. Try not to react and bury yourself in meetings and Al-anon literature to keep your mind straight and your chin up. My divorce was hard and emotional, but I walked away feeling that in the end I would have made little changes but felt it was fair. Make sure you let the judge know just what you said here about him not working and that you would be in the negative each month, which would take from your children. I am sending you lots of love, support, courage and serenity!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
They will ask for more than they are going to get knowing that they won't get that. That is what lawyers do and even if your ex wasn't a jerk, his lawyer would probably be advising him to do this. That is just my guess. I am not sure if that makes this any easier but I know lawyers are ruthless. Whatever love or decency that was left in the union will be destroyed by divorce lawyers.
When I first met with my divorce lawyer (I haven't filed for divorce as of yet), he told me that my AH could ask for alimony (he is currently unemployed, but has an MBA and is fully capable of finding a job) and that I pay for his health insurance coverage (I currently cover him on my medical insurance program at the university where I work), but that doesn't mean a judge will agree to his requests. The judge will look at the full "picture" and then make a determination. I am in the same financial situation as you (except that my children are now grown and out on their own) and never even considered that he might ask for alimony, etc., until my lawyer brought up these possibilities. He feels confident that even if my AH made these demands, he would be hard pressed to get them. Hope that helps. Sending you lots of ESH. "Let Go and Let God..."
If they were reasonable people, we wouldn't get to impasses like this in the first place.
What I sense here is his sense of grievance, plus his lawyer's ambitions. Of course he feels aggrieved -- "She did me wrong! I'll make her pay!" -- because denial is at the heart of his whole condition. So he has to turn the force of his emotions outward, to avoid seeing what he's done to himself.
And lawyers aim for the moon by trade. I hope you have an equally sharp and canny lawyer. Some money spent now will save you thousands down the road. Because these are outrageous claims and a good divorce lawyer should be able to fend them off as par for the course. Your lawyer might want to show evidence that your ex has effectively chosen not to work -- by not working hard at looking for a job, or by drinking so that he's incapacitated, or whatever. Being a layabout and a freeloader is not a reason to be supported by your ex-wife. A canny lawyer might even turn around and sue him for alimony. Presumably he had a job up till two years ago? And contributed to the family well-being? Now you've lost that. A lawyer can spin it all kinds of ways. I doubt if you'd get the alimony, but it might well make him back down on his claims.
But his threats are meaningless. I hope you can keep from taking them to heart. Of course he's making absurd claims. He's an insane man. Hang tight until it all blows over, and get a good lawyer. Also the biggest healthy support system you can get! Hugs.
So many questions in my head - I'm so sorry it has to be this way for you. What did your lawyer say?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Please stay strong, this too shall pass. I know how you feel about the unfairness of this all. When I was going through my separation I was shocked at how much my husband would technically be entitled to, even though I live in a supposed "equitable distribution" state (this all made me totally rethink the institution of marriage in today's day and age). Do you have a lawyer? I'd say get a very aggressive one. Most people don't want to be ripped apart in courts and if your lawyer suggests his that's what will happen, he may back down on some of the claims. By the way, I'm not a lawyer but I'd say his request for health insurance sounds out there - my understanding is tath once divorced, you cannot insure an ex spouse. I also believe (at least in the state I'm in) that spousal support cannot be indefinite. Be strong - you'll find your way through this and will put it behind you. Sending you much support.
Oooo I can relate to being demanded the moon, it was so stressful and hard not to react to everything. There is a lot of smoke being blown your way, but it does not necessarily mean a fire. I can't say I did a fantastic job with my mental health breaking up w/my exRA [ and there are still loose ends ] but I always calmed down when I'd visualize that what I was doing was bricking up protective walls as fast as I could. Physically and mentally. Or visualize smoke blowing at you...then beyond you...and away!
This board, alanon, and friends are GREAT during times like these! People want to help, and especially when they can see that you are doing the best you can to better your situation. Just taking a time out and getting a hot cocoa with a pal, or walking the dog daily, ended up being huge blessings for me. Those moments of NOT dealing with The Situation were priceless!
