I need to express myself AGAIN - Al-Anon Family Group

MelB · Veteran Member

I need to express myself AGAIN

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear (((Mel))) That is a great beginning, admitting your powerlessness over your dis-ease. You're doing it girl, building the foundation with complete utter defeat. This is exactly what it looked like for me. And although it didn't feel good, it's right where I needed to be....

exactly where you are.... on my knees in frantic desperation. And then, this is what I did...

I went to as many meetings as I could because they had a way of soothing me, like a bandage for my open, bleeding wounds. The more I went to in a week, the better I felt.

Then my sponsor told me to "get quiet." To get still with my Higher power. Because as long as I stayed in my fearful thinking of, "this is bad! this is bad!!!!" my Higher power could NOT get to me. I had to still my mind.

So I would sit in my favorite chair, close my eyes and try to empty my thoughts, to just get still. I would try to focus on everything lovely - usually I focus on the beach, or sky-scapes... because those are my favorite places, I feel good there. And any time a fearful thought would pop into my head again (and it did over and over and over again....) I would gently go back to my thoughts of Higher power. That is the rule. Just go back again and stay with it for as long as I can..... just a practice of letting go..... a gentle practice.

The goal was to sit for about 20 minutes. Then I would read the day's reading in Courage to Change with an open and receptive mind.

Gradually, one day at a time... clarity and peace came. I noticed that people seemed to like me more, at work they started to call me the queen of calm, lol! I owe it all to the program and to my practice of meditation and to Higher power because I was going through a divorce at the time!! On my own, no one would EVER call me that. Today I know... that of myself, I am nothing. Nothing. I am a scared little, confused girl. But with the One who owns the Universe... I can do anything.

One day at a time, sweetie. I felt like a snail back then. But at least I was moving forward, haha!

-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 20th of January 2012 08:15:55 AM

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

You're in the right place. This is a great place to let your feelings out and be understood. It takes what it takes. You're making progress. You're identifying what you're feeling and facing it. We say... "Feel, deal, heal." It takes time to trust yourself and your ability to form your own identity separated from the enmeshment with the alcoholic. It took me awhile to know what I liked and didn't like to do for enjoyment because I had been so agreeable. I rarely made a choice of my own. I have always thought "Courage to Change," was a great title for our daily reader because it really does take a lot of guts to step out of the old dysfunctional roles we've been playing and get better. You're a work in progress, we all are. You're doing it, trust that. You posted. You told on yourself. You shared. Now I'm sharing with you and telling you I'm an imperfect human being too with fears, insecurities and expectations too. You know what? Even after all this time in Alanon, I have some old behaviors that I get a lot of mileage out of and don't want to change them. Is that healthy? No. Does it give me something to work on? Uh maybe. Do I need to be perfect to be lovable? Absolutely not! I've learned from hard experience though that if my personal happiness was dependent on someone else's sobriety I spend most of my time worrying about them relapsing and very little time enjoy their new sober life with them. Additionally, it created a lot of tension in the relationship. Alanon meetings are so helpful to keep myself from going back to that kind of thinking and my sponsor too. Alanon is a gentle program and we try to be loving and supportive of one another in the program. We say "We'll love you until you can love yourself." I'm glad you "WILL NOT GIVE UP." You're a great investment. Your post helped me reason out some feelings I'm going through tonight. So thanks for posting. I hope you'll keep coming back to share your recovery journey on this board. Hugs. TT

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you ((((Mel))))....don't give up or maybe do give it up...turn it over to your HP, contantly practice that. My elder sponsor taught me to extend my hands palms upward out in front of me and to envision the what or the who I needed to turn over in my open palms and then no matter when or where I was to raise my hands slowly and fully upward with the what or who I was turning over to my HP and then when I was done with that to bring my hands down...EMPTY!!. I was also taught that feelings are choices and then I could always choose to feel something positive when I was done feeling something that was negative and lord knows I did all the negatives because that is what this "poor me" enabler did. I did that for others and for myself also.

When ever you are ready to feel happy?...feel happy. It's an inside job.

Thanks for the honest share. (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel - You are not "crazy." I am concerned that you are now describing symptoms of clinical depression. I suffer from this too so I know what it is like. I am not saying for sure, cuz I am not a doctor (though I am a therapist). It is worth following up on. The depth of your sadness and how worthless you are describing feeling is beyond alanon's scope. Though of course coming here and/or going to meetings is going to be helpful.

Symptoms of depression

Here is the complete list of emotional and physical depression symptoms according to the DSM-IV:

Emotional Symptoms
constant sadness
irritability
hopelessness
feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
loss of interest in favorite activities

Physical Symptoms
trouble sleeping
low energy or fatigue
significant weight change
difficulty concentrating

danni · Senior Member

I am sending you TONS of support, compassion, and understanding. Please keep coming back and try to be gentle with yourself. Big hug. I am glad you are here.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel, Please, be gentle with yourself, remember that everyone on these boards has either been where you are at, or worse, or close to it or is there now. It is crucial for me, every day, to forgive myself. I mess up every day. But I remember to be grateful for what I did right or what worked or what was happy. I try to let go of the mess ups. As Jerry explained I hand them over to my HP. And what gladlee said "on my knees in frantic desperation." That was me. When I finally was able to take steps 1-3, and I have to go back and do them again and again EVERY DAY. But the first time I was able to feel them in my gut was when I was on my knees in deperation. I had understood them logically and was trying to will them on myself but it tooks devastation, a blessing in disguise from my HP to get me there. It's like I had to let go of the control over trying to control getting better. If that makes sense. I also have to do this with faith. I give it to God, the fact that I would doubt him and had no faith. I used to feel this guilt and pain because of it and I would think 'if i just pray more or go to church more or try harder then maybe I will believe.' That way did not work. It was when I let go of that control that I came to believe. It was when I said "okay, I'm not perfect, no where near. I lack faith, I doubt there is a God. I am a total mess and I cannot control my fleeting obsessive thoughts. Whether this continues for a year or a day, I am giving it up to a HP, if there is one. Here you have it, its all yours." The magical part was... it worked for me. I am not sure that this way has worked for many.. maybe it has.. but it really worked for me. Every day that I felt just a little lift I showed my gratitude to my HP, who now I feel. There is a quote that makes me think of you. I can't remember it exactly but its something like 'where we stand, here in the ruins, what we may become can be anything." This quote is my recovery, every day I love myself more and more and who would have thunk it. My happiness revolved around my husband and what he was doing and feeling and now.. it doesnt. But, I have my moments. Just yesterday I told him I think he's slacking on his program. I immediately admitted I was wrong, however. It is not my business how he works his program and its not his how I work mine. I would not want him on my back about how I work my steps so I get off his.. but every now and again I think Im his higher power again, like I used to. I try to tell him what to do and manipulate him with my moods into doing whatever it is I want him to do. Thats my illness and one day at a time I work on it with God. Hope I helped a little. Be calm.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mel, I too felt crazy after dealing with so many people who had alcohol and drug addictions and became very codependent and stuck in my victimizations. Before Al-anon I saw a counselor that helped me through so many things that kept me spinning and with Al-anon meetings and a sponsor I finally feel much better. It took awhile of counseling and a mix of Al-anon to help me get through a few huge hurdles I had, but it can be done! I am sending you love, strength, courage and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I invite you to start saying, "I can..." Also say do not try. I will do not I will try.

These little tools can really help. you are on the right path I can tell! hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.