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I am finding that I am really struggling with guilt that I am doing alright. My now ex-boyfriend is 30 days clean, through a live-in rehab program. I spent 5 years with him, taking care of him financiallyand in every other way, completely burning myself out in the process. He was always loving and caring, which is why I stayed with him for as long as I did. I have wanted out of the relationship for over a year, but my son is very attached to him and, for all his issues, he was great to my son. My son has considered him his dad from age 4 to now, age 9. The guilt of taking that relationship away from him kept me from ending the relationship long ago. Especially because my ex-husband, my son's father, is a severe alcoholic who is not in any kind of recovery. My guilt stems from two things. My ex boyfriend is doing amazing in recovery, I have no doubt that he will succeed in staying clean. I feel guilty because I know he loves me more than anything and wants to make things work with us, and I just don't want to. My entire life has been about catering to alcoholics or addicts, beginning with my own father. I just don't want to be involved with anyone who is even successfully recovering. I just want to break the lifelong cycle. I don't want to have to worry about addiction anymore. And I feel guilty about that. I also feel so heartwrenchingly guilty for my son, who has had another man let him down. I explained to him that Cliff and I will remain friends, and that they can still go fishing and do things together, but that I don't want Cliff to be my boyfriend anymore. Seeing my son cry over this was the worst. He seems to be doing quite well with it, considering, but I still feel horrible guilt. Guilt that I unknowingly brought another addict into his life, and that now that he's attached I have to change that relationship. I feel incredible relief that I have ended our relationship, and I feel guilty about that too. I have a great career, am going to school and love being a mom. I'm getting on with my life. And I feel guilty. Sometimes I think it's just as hard for those of us that don't have the addiction as it is for the addict. I went back to an alanon meeting last week and plan to go every friday. I am determined to break the pattern of being attracted to addicts/alcoholics and need to learn to stop feeling guilty for putting me and my son first. Frankly I am angry that I feel guilty. Addiction affects the non-addicted just as much as the addicted. It is a sign of how sick we become from taking care of the addict that we walk away just as damaged as they do. The difference is that while he is away at rehab, working solely on himself and his problems, with no other responsibilities, I have to work on my emotional damage while keeping my crap together and being the best mom I can be, keep the household running and clean up the messes he created for me. Lol, when I think about it like that it helps with the guilt...but replaces it with anger. Addiction suck for everybody involved.
Hi Welcome to MIP. I can identify with what you are feeling. AlAnon has helped me with that. Also, I found help with Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). There is another board for this on this very same site and I am on both.
Guilt is a major identifier. Guilt that we can be happy. Guilt that we can put ourselves first. I have always felt shamed when I put myself first, I always thought I had to think of others at all costs.
Guilt can eat away at a person. On these boards, you will find the information you need to deal with living your life, your way.
Nothing is forever really is it? You thought you would be with this man forever.. that may have changed.... you don't want to be wiht him right now but you want a relationship between him and your son.. thats ok too.. maybe that will change, maybe it won't. The future is a long time. Maybe someone even better will come along for you and your son.. you jsut don't know.
In the mean time, I would ask that you ask yourself ... "What good is the guilt doing at this point?" What purpose is it serving right now? If there isn't one.. why am I holding onto the guilt? Ihope you get lots of other replies
Hugs and welcome, I realize you are no longer with the addict in question and as you have already stated addiction leaves a lot of collateral damage in it's wake. I'm paraphrasing, however that is what I read in your post. I hope you will consider finding an alanon meeting in your area and go for yourself because while the relief of having the addict out of your life is big the aftermath of dealing with the emotional wreckage continues. I find with my children 7 and 12, they do better when I do better. I grew up in an alcoholic home with no alcohol in it until later. The behaviors were there big time and set the stage for the teen years and adulthood. I've picked two marriages from also alcoholic backgrounds. I know without a doubt I probably would pick another only because history repeats. I'm not close to being truly healthy in mind, body or spirit. I do encourage you to stick around share, read, goto a meeting. Just learn to let go of what is going on at the moment, kids do key in on that!! Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am so glad you found a weekly meeting and agree with what you said about working on yourself until you find someone you are attracted to that isn't an addict, that is exactly what I am doing. I am starting step 6 with my sponsor next week and working the steps has helped me with my anger and guilt. I hope you find some Al-anon literature to read. Sending you love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Maybe you could try to turn your guilt into a teachable moment? Talk to your son. Make sure he understands what has happened. And get to AlAnon. All those people know exactly what you feel.
I struggle with guilt too. What I have been learning from my counselor and from this board, is that guilt is part of the package of being a co-dependent, and particularly if you are a child of an alcoholic. It is like we were wired that way for survival at some point - it allowed us to survive and develop in an unstable, alcoholic situation. Now, we have to re-train our brains to feel good when we take care of ourselves and our loved ones in healthy ways (I struggle with what is healthy vs. what is enabling). I struggle with this daily. I have started to do this thing - when I feel guilt, I stop myself. I ask - why are you feeling guilty? And I think about it. Then I ask myself: is this reasonable? And when I am unsure, I ask my counselor!! I am working towards the day when I will not feel guilt whenever I say no, or whenever I say "I need . . . ". It is a personal goal! Good luck, and take care. You sound like a wonderful mom.
