I do not want to enable.... - Al-Anon Family Group

LostToday · Member

I do not want to enable....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The greatest emotional defect, I have come to understand, in addiction is fear. He acts that way because he is afraid. When does he come to address fear? Little little courageous bites chewed well and talked about with a good sponsor and brought up in meetings and looked at in inventories and conversed over with God and then the changes come. The changes for me evolved in recovery..."The opposite of Fear is Faith" was one of if not the first lesson and then I was taught an acronym for fear; (F)alse, (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal...I still use that one alot because its my head that manufactures the evidence that isn't real..."Courage is Fear that has said it's prayers"...right out of the ODAAT daily reader and more until last year in a face to face with my HP I learned what I now practice..."Love is the absence of Fear. Where Love is Fear cannot exist and the opposite is also true."

I know what his shoes feel like...I hope and pray he finds the release from fear...free of it!!

Keep coming back and if you're not already attending face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area and getting the literature and meeting the membership; I hope you figure a way to do that soon.

Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

In my opinion, it's bad practice to have only one partner "in the know" about bills and finances....because, god forbid..if something happened to him...would you know how to take over and keep the household running?

I got into deep doo-doo a couple of years ago by trusting my AH with the finances...he took over them for about 6 months...and in that time bounced 80+ checks...OY. When he was the angriest was also when he had screwed things up the worst...but I have to own up to the fact that it was my responsibility too...and my fault for wanting someone to "take care of that for me"-- we were both responsible for the household.

and, if I may be so bold...you do not "stay at home" -- you "work your *ss off at home" with 4 children....just sayin... smile

LostToday · Member

Jerry - Thank you for the incredible insight. Understanding his behavior and seeing it for what it is helps me to not react to it.

rehprof - You're right in what you said! Financially, we have things structured very badly. I know this, but there have been other things that we more important to change first. And yes, I work very hard! But what I meant was that my work does not earn a paycheck.

Finally, this issue has come to the top of the list. Jerry's insight helped me tackle this problem with DH tonight. I did not fall for his normal tactics which get him out of addressing this issue. What he was upset about turns out to be a different issue that even surprised DH! He is jealous that my family helps out financially and his mother does not (because she can't). I guess that's sort of related because it involved money, but it shouldn't be! He agreed to either open a joint account or add me to his account so that I can be more aware of what is going on. This is a huge, huge, huge step forward. It is the end of his money vs. my money (or lack thereof). I feel victorious tonight.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

After losing everything, I would NEVER, EVER be on anything with the A. Do you realize if he overdrafts and your name is on the account say bye to your credit?

I don't know if you have a credit history or not, but it is clear he does and its not good.

A's have a terrible disease. They do not think rationally a lot of the time. To me it is insanity to have my name on anything with them. I didn't even sign for my AH's med bills after things became very bad.

I agree with others that being joint anything with an A is very dangerous. What I would want is my own account.

If you want to know what is going on, all you have to do is look at his check register and statements. There is no sense in signing your name to a sinking ship.

It took me YEARS to pay all A's massive tax debts. I had no idea he was not paying them. They were from his contracting career. I had my own career and my own money. I made more than he did. I always got enough money back to pay the house taxes and more. So the accountant said it would be better to go joint. omgosh what a freaking mistake. He goes belly up, I end up losing thousands and thousands. ugh

I always share my experience that I do not believe in cars in both our names,loans, account,house,nothing. Look at me now. Lost everything.When he came around again I had money in the bank, bought my own little house, a brand new pick up and a fun jeep.

we got married had a five acre place. all gone.

I now scrimp by, credit is ruined, someone gave me this plastic car. I am disabled and lost everything,my retirement is gone.

anyway, thanks to Hp and mip I am very ok, serene and usually content.

hugs, sigh, debilyn

LostToday · Member

Debilyn, I'm so sorry for your experience.
How should I navigate this then? Currently, I have my own account where I stash whatever I have. He has his own account and deals with his business and is supposed to pay our bills from there.
What I want to achieve is to make sure the bills get paid. On time.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I know couples that have one joint account for bills only. It works for them. They keep personal spending money separate. You know what is best for your own situation. Money is a very tricky subject. Hugs p ;)

LostToday · Member

It is tricky! That's why it still needs to be dealt with. I guess I posted about this because 1) i was very frustrated today 2) i am unsure how to proceed and 3) i want to make sure I am not enabling, controlling, or any of those things that I used to be soooo bad about. This is a confusing one because it affects me. I have gotten pretty good at detaching on most things and letting him feel the fall out of his bad decisions. However, not paying the internet bill (a whole $35) today made my son miss his history class (online) and I wasn't able to work on my homework (college online). I did end up paying it tonight, but only after a day of soul searching and remembering too much from the past. So DH was not at all the one that got these consequences. Soooo not fair. I'm on the fence about whether or not I should have paid it...but I needed the service to work on my school, which is something I am doing for me. So I'm thinking that I am taking care of me.

I feel a little crazy spending so much time thinking about a stupid bill, but it is more what it represents and the past that's attached to it. It's not that I expect DH to take care of me, well, it would be nice but that's not reality. I want him to meet his responsibilities. We discussed and HE decided that bills were his responsibility. It's been ok like that until recently. That's why I didn't address it sooner. Now that it's become a problem, I'm trying to tackle it. I guess I'm seeking validation that I'm not the enabler/controller that I used to be.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a personal opinion lol, I laugh because it's not advice in any way. That being said ... I try and look at all situations as a collective and collateral damage. If it's a sutton where it's my kids or myself paying way more of the damage then I'd pay the bill. As an example why get evicted all because of making a point?? However I'm in a space where if your agreement is he pays the internet bill, my follow through is I would let him know in a not mean non aggressive way. The bill slipped his mind and you did pay it because of class obligations, you'd like to be reimbursed for the bill. Again I'm coming from a different place, in my mind I would like the money back. Again a suggestion to think about my situation is different. Hugs p ;)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.