Not Sure He Should Come Home Yet - Al-Anon Family Group

MidwesternMom · Member

Not Sure He Should Come Home Yet

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

My kids are doing better now that my A is out of the home. It is still difficult for them to go back and forth, but I have made a concerted effort to NEVER speak ill of him in front of them, and tell them how much he loves them (which in this case IS true).

Unfortunately, the situation is not such that I could get a court order for supervised visits. I have had a long talk with my 15 year old, and told him that if Dad ever acts drunk to not get in the car with him. Both he and my 9 year old have cell phones and know to call me if Dad is drunk.

I don't know how I would handle it if my kids were little...

by the way, you can live quite well without an A in your life...its different, but in my case better! I don't have to worry about disappearing funds (that were allocated for the light bill) or crazy spending sprees...and I no longer have to wonder about if he is lying about this or that...

best wishes as you slog through this....know whatever you decide...you are resilient, and have the skills to do it a day at a time...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I invite you to read your share. pretend it is someone else.

For me you have already made your decision. You don't know if you are ready, and you still have questions.

It is up to you to see the truth.

Did you read Getting Them Sober? volume one.

no one changes that fast and for me its not what they say, it is what they do. This is awful but when my dad was away on business, though he was nice and all, I loved the peace in the house.

He smoked in there and I hated it.

He seemed tense a lot and was all business. But considering what he went thru as a kid he was the best daddy.

Anyway I just know kids need and thrive on consistancy. My dogs are so used to me being quiet I mean talking quiet and lovingly that if I yell they jump. Kids are like that too. they cannot take that fear of what is going to happen next.

Keep coming and talking it out. hugs,deb

rrib · Senior Member

MidwesternMom wrote:
It's hard to find the line between enabling versus being supportive

He draws that line.

When he is still using, whatever makes it easier for him to do so is enabling.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a complex situation because things besides your own personal feelings are at stake. What I mean is that you might be all right with some drinking or drug use in your house -- everyone is different in their capacity for being around that. But you also have your business to consider, and protecting the little children you look after. His actions could potentially threaten their safety -- a high or drunk person is not in complete control of himself. And it could definitely threaten your being able to continue your business.

In deciding whether or not to continue in a relationship with him, or what kind of relationship, looking at your motives could be useful. But in deciding whether or not it's wise to let a drug addict be in a daycare for little kids, it seems to me that the motive matters less. I think we all know that he should not be around them, not at all. It threatens them, your business, and your livelihood -- your whole way of supporting yourself.

He may be faithfully attending AA, but if he was high on Sunday (and he stole money from you!), he has not started real sobriety yet. The initial period of recovery can be really rough -- and many people would say that the initial period lasts at minimum a year. Many people have relapses. IN fact, sad to say, the numbers show that only 25% or fewer people make it to longterm sobriety. Now, there are thousands of addicts, so even 25% means that thousands of people make it. But it does mean that we shouldn't operate on the idea that they're just about to turn the corner and be sober or drug-free. First they need to walk the walk and we need to see that they have a good hold on recovery. That can take a year or five years. It doesn't happen overnight. And I'm sorry to say that your husband may not even have give up his substance yet. If he has, it's only been three days.

Of course he's yearning to come home, and of course he misses his kids. Addicts never want to experience the consequences of their use -- becoming distant from their families, moving out, making their own way. They want it all back in place because that makes it easiest for them to go on the way they've been going. And we miss them too, or at least the good parts of the relationship. Sometimes we have a hard time detaching from the struggle to get them clean/sober, and from the chaos that distracts us from our own lives.

I hope you have a meeting you can get to? And I hope you'll keep on taking good care of yourself. Keep coming back. Hugs.

MidwesternMom · Member

Thanks everybody. This is really a tough decision for me. I haven't let him come home yet.

My daycare is only open Monday through Friday during the day. That's when my husband is at work. The kids are never actually around him. However, I still feel very strongly about keeping drugs out of my house. There are risks with 3rd hand smoke. Also, I can't be sure he won't drop a pill or something on the floor. I take my job seriously. People trust me to protect their kids.

At this point, I don't think I want a divorce. I'll have to let him come home at some point. I need to see some type of progress in his recovery first though.

He was sober for 2 1/2 years prior to this last relapse. I may be naive... but I'm hoping to get back there again.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You asked a lot of "is it this or that?" type questions in your original post. All of the questions you asked could be answered "both" because they are not mutually exclusive kinds of questions. You have rational beliefs and ideas and you also have emotional reactions and feelings about the whole issue. This makes "doing the right thing" confusing because what might be right doesn't feel right and what feels right might actually be wrong.

This is where alanon and being spiritually connected will come in because your decisions are not easy and when you have some sort of spiritual compass guiding you, you wont second guess yourself so much.

In support,

Mark

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you are able to make it to face to face meetings and have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. These things helped save my sanity and let me stop questioning myself to death. I am sending you love and support!

MidwesternMom · Member

I've been to 1 meeting so far. I plan to go back next week. There is only one meeting that offers childcare that fits into my schedule around here.

I did order the book "Getting Them Sober." Many people have recommended it. I hope it's in today's mail.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

One of my favorite program slogans is - when in doubt, don't.

It pretty much works every time. If I'm not sure about something, I need to wait until I'm sure to act. Before I got some recovery, I made snap decisions because I hated having stuff in limbo so badly that I'd rather make a wrong decision than no decision. I felt like I had to decide - right now. I was always cleaning up the consequences of bad decisions. Early in recovery, a friend told me that deciding not to make a decision IS making a decision. I've made the decision to do nothing for now. I can make a different decision anytime I want. But there's no need to have an instant answer for every question.

Still, I have to remind myself when things are uncertain - when in doubt, don't. The right answer is ALWAYS revealed to me in time. I do less cleanup of consequential damages when I just wait, too. :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.