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How are you at setting boundaries and how well do you communicate them? I went to dinner with a friend last night and she said the first thing I need to do is forgive. Well, yea, that would probably be helpful, LOL. But, we really spent a lot of time talking about forgiveness and how hard it is for 2 broken people to communicate well with each other. So, I guess I'm looking for suggestions on how YOU have set boundaries, maybe even what those boundaries are, and how you communicate them or present them to the A.
This is a huge hurdle for me is to set boundaries. My communication (or lack thereof) with my ex addict boyfriend is what led me to START setting boundaries for myself. I was giving him all sorts of wiggle room where our relationship was concerned BECAUSE he was/is an addict. That got me nowhere fast for my own frame of mind. Second guessing everything he did, being suspicious of his behaviour and allowing him to be inconsiderate toward me by not holding him partially responsible for his part in the downward spiral of "us" and spinning myself into a web of confusion. I was and am still consumed with what he's doing, where and with whom, however no matter how tempted I am, I will not ask or spy.
At this point in time, right now, my boundary lies with the notion that the more I try to mentally micro manage what he may or may not be doing I am doing NOTHING in helping myself heal. I've ordered books for a weekend full of reading in helping with my healing in finding what it is inside me that allows myself to accept this kind of behavior from him. "
I don't know if you have picked up any lit at your meetings, they have the ODAATA books as well as C2C (One Day At A Time in Alanon), (Courage to Change) they have an index in the back of the book that lists different things, boundaries is one of them. They offer good reads though and that has helped me know when I am accepting unacceptable behavior in terms of my own situation.
It's not about controling what other people do. It's about what is ok and not ok for me. I always check my motives when making a boundary and then the follow through. Do I mean what I say? So it's about saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean. Boundaries can change as well. It's more important to know what they are. I will not accept being emotionally abused. That's not to say I"m going to make a big stink about it. I can remove myself from the conversation and state how I feel or I can remove myself from the conversation without saying a word. My actions speak far louder than anything I could say, by changing my behavior changes do happen. I can do so without the need for any drama or any garbage happening as well.
It is about keeping the focus on you. Forgiveness is great and I'm all for it. Letting go of a justified resentment is not an easy task. It also takes time and patience because when I forgive I want to forgive I don't want to keep revisiting it because "it's what I should do" the reality is I just might not be ready to let go. That is also ok because we are all at different points of healing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
In the beginning, I didn't communicate my boundaries because I didnt' really know what they were. I told them to myself, I wrote them down, I did trial and error.
When I worked out what I wanted, I stated my belief at the time that the situation arose. For example: When the addict visited and took over my hubby, he said he wanted to have a smoke on a Sunday afternoon when we had planned to watch a movie. I said, If thats what you want to do, I will go and do something else. He was confused and said, but we are just watching a movie.. I agreed with him and reiterated that I didnt' want to be with him when he is stoned or smoking. I agree you have the right to do what you want to do... as do I. I am exercising my right to not be around you when you are stoned. I am not angry or upset, but I am going to do what I want, just as you are doing what you want. So... are you smoking and watching a movie, or are we watching a movie. He chose to smoke, I read a book in another room. Several hours later, when I knew he had straightened out, I went and put another movie on and watched it with him.
Another example is when we were arguing about never doing anything together etc. I wrote a list of all the activities that I would be willing to do with him, like short camping on the beach or something. Fishing not in the boat. compromise stuff. He said that all looks good to him and we should do it. I then said, I will do that with the straight husband. I do not want to spend time like that with stoned husband, there is no point in me being there. He was a bit 'put out' and retaliated. I just quietly said... you can do those things wihtout me and smoke pot, but if you want to spend time with me, then I don't want you to be smoking also. My words were "Its not like you never smoke any other time, our time is our time". He agreed.
I don't think he has been stoned around me much since then. Its not perfect, he still gets stoned when I am around, but he knows now also, there is the highest likelihood I will go to another room, or not engage with him if he has been smoking. I have made it a clear boundary.
Recently, we talked about our upcoming trip to Bangkok in April. I directly asked about his intentions in terms with drugs while there. He stated a few things about his wish to smoke pot there. I said, well, we can arrange that you do those activities on your own (apparently there is a tour that it is common place to get stoned and go water rafting or something, it was in a lonely planet book or something). I will do soemthing else that day. He just stared at me. No comment to any of it. I said, I do not feel comfortable with being around drugs in Thailand full stop. But, I know that is his intent, I told him that if he goes to jail I will come home and he will have to face the consequences himself. He said he understood.
I am very lucky with my husband. Alot of people have a more difficult addict to deal with.
I hope that helps some of your thoughts about boundaries and what to say... its what worked for me.
how hard it is for 2 broken people to communicate well with each other
It's a struggle for me.
When I need to say something I find myself falling into old behavior instead ... getting angry, resentful, being fearful of confrontation.
On the plus side, I'm not as bad at it as I used to be and am more likely to step away from being suckered into arguments than I was in the past, let the emotions settle down and say what needs to be said.
2 books that helped me to see boundaries were "Getting Them Sober" and "Codependent No More". I was bad at communication and boundaries so I walked around feeling victimized a lot which built many resentments. I now do not give my power away and set boundaries on how I will be treated and others to keep me healthy emotionally, physically, and financially. It sounds like your awareness is growing! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
2 books that helped me to see boundaries were "Getting Them Sober" and "Codependent No More". I was bad at communication and boundaries so I walked around feeling victimized a lot which built many resentments. I now do not give my power away and set boundaries on how I will be treated and others to keep me healthy emotionally, physically, and financially. It sounds like your awareness is growing! Sending you love and support!
The victimization of my family by drug addicts who have taken power in local politics is very real. I don't know how you set boundaries when criminals with political power are attacking your family.
I am new to the board and I, too, think forgiveness is the place to start, but it's also hard, especially because I have loads of resentment, anger, self-pity and more. I found it hard to forgive the past and the present.
As I pondered forgiveness, I had all of these hard feelings. I got tired of my own behavior, though. When I did, I finally understood Step One. My life had become unmaneagable because I was so reactive. I had to begin forgiving myself be setting boundaries for my own behavior. I had to communicate to myself about my own feelings.
One night I was feeling abandoned because my RH becames emotionally and physically absent. I usually begin to get very angry when he goes AWOL. Instead, I focused on the feeling. Almost immediately I realized I didn't feel abandoned. I was really afraid. Would I be able to do the things I needed to do by myself? Well, yes. I began to feel strong and able.
So, I pay attention to the feelings of resentment, self-pity, etc. I don't feel comfortable anymore giving into them because sometimes the feeling covers up what I really need or want for myself.
What is weird for me is, when it comes to "others" treatment of me, I don't really have a problem keeping my boundaries in tact. I have stumbled upon the concept of certain people knowing how to use MY love against me; because I care, they violate the boundaries. Use of the word "boundaries" means someone is working on relating and communicating better with people - the word "boundaries" is NOT something used in everyday life - it is a concept only those who are working some sort of self-help program embrace. (lots of farmers around my neck-o-da-woods would think boundaries meant property lines). This post talks about two different subjects - you are asking how others set boundaries; and you are also talking about being able to communicate and finding forgiveness in a relationship. My belief is, forgiveness cannot be granted without request - (I'm sorry, please forgive me). For boundaries we need to identify when something makes us feel violated and take steps to deal with it when it happens.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
