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I've shared on this before that I had the awareness that the addicts stops growing from the time they started using. What I later had the awareness on was how I quit growing also the second I began obssessing and focusing on the addict/alcoholic (s) instead of me. For me, this was honestly around 5. With that being the case and on a spiritual level, I had so much Stuck grief from that early age. It was the age Much of my abandonment also occurred. My siblings moved away and I was left with the alcoholic and the enmeshed spouse. My siblings did alot of my parenting and when they left, emotionally and mentally, I was on my own .. hence the stuck grief ..
Today when I think of it all, so much makes sense .. The fear of others not liking me, etc.. caring what they think .. feeling afraid when faced with conflict like i've just been sent to the principals office, etc. comparing to my friends, others .. arguing blaming accusing, etc.. reacting tantrums when I can't have the control, etc.. dependencies .. fears of being alone .. fears of solving my own problems .. fears of not being taken care of .. fear of God even who is invisible almost like he's the punishing boogy man who I couldn't see, etc .... fear of someone calling attention to my faults .. looking dumb in front of my friends, etc.. All of these lines I'm typing are not ones that I can share with just anyone, but these have been my secret 5 year old fears ..
I start a new project in the morning and I think of how it would have felt some time back .. The fears of what will they think, etc.. what if I make a mistake, will I be punished ? The sad thing is I've been thinking of authority figures lately .. Who Really was my authority ?.. well everyone. Anyone who was funnier, smarter, stronger, more successful, happier, definitely older, and family, my friends, etc .. I learned at a very early age what My rung on the ladder was; in the beginning, i was put there at the bottom.. I learned to not question before alanon.. It's sad when I think of walking in somewhere new and my 5 year old in me thinking will they like me ? and the critical inner parent voice in me that usually whispers No .. (past tapes and messages) in the past the "they" was really the unknown projection of my family .. Think I definitely have some Inner child work to do.. I'm tired now .. Thanks for letting me just share .. (It even explains fears of the future) have absolutely no idea if this will read sense to others but it is what it is ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 18th of January 2012 06:54:49 AM
Today when I think of it all, so much makes sense .. The fear of others not liking me, etc.. caring what they think .. feeling afraid when faced with conflict like i've just been sent to the principals office, etc. comparing to my friends, others .. arguing blaming accusing, etc.. reacting tantrums when I can't have the control, etc.. dependencies .. fears of being alone .. fears of solving my own problems .. fears of not being taken care of .. fear of God even who is invisible almost like he's the punishing boogy man who I couldn't see, etc .... fear of someone calling attention to my faults .. looking dumb in front of my friends, etc.. All of these lines I'm typing are not ones that I can share with just anyone, but these have been my secret 5 year old fears ..
Wow....I, too, have most of these feelings and fears. Caring what others think...I believe came from growing up with my A dad. I almost lived daily in horror that he would come home drunk when I had a friend over or if I was sitting on the front porch with neighbors all around and he might just come stumbling around the corner at any moment. Just typing this I get that feeling in my stomach that I use to get when I was a kid. OMG....conflict!!! I would do anything to avoid any conflict in my home. I would beg my mom to just not say anything to daddy when he got home. "Just let him go to bed!" As I got older I even had a hard time taking up for my own kids because I thought teachers. my kids friend's parents etc...all knew better than me. How I wish I could go back and change that now. Comparing my life to my friend's lives. That is a real biggie for me even to this day.
I just always wanted to feel normal but my life has been far from normal in my eyes.
Thanks for this post. It brought up alot for me to ponder.
Best to you,
Gail
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 18th of January 2012 06:54:49 AM
-- Edited by Gailey on Wednesday 18th of January 2012 09:02:11 AM
Not sure if I understand correctly, do you consider your grief to be a time of stagnant growth?
I suppose I remember it feeling that way, but in retrospect, it wasn't at all. Please give yourself permission to grieve, take some deep breaths and just allow the process to unfold. Self-discovery is important and worthy work... very worthy. And it takes as long as it takes. Recovery isn't about racing to a finish line, there is none! So much of it is about feeling. I never allowed myself to do that in the past, feelings weren't allowed in my alcoholic home.
Be gentle with yourself, trust that the healing will come. Impatience with myself has never enhanced my appreciation of Life or helped me to love myself more.
Just be where you are, this too shall pass. The important thing is, today you see it, you're now living in reality. And you also have a name for it - Grieving your losses - I never recognized grief before....
We all have to start somewhere, sweetie. And you're exactly where you need to be. ((big hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 18th of January 2012 04:02:23 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Wow...I just read your post and it brought me to tears. You just described the exact "conditioning" mindset that I run through everyday of my life. The inner child, growing up with an alcoholic parent...second guessing everything I do and wonder how it will effect everyone else...(even if it's a decision that will have a postive effect in my life) I feel guilty because I feel unworthy or afraid the rug will be pulled out from underneath me. I've come to realize that it's the "familiarity" of constant turmoil from my childhood that led me to not set boundaries in my relationship which ultimately has led me here. Hugs to you and remember you're not alone.
Also, the stuck feeling I so relate to. I haven't slept in weeks due to constantly thinking of my "ex" addict bf. I think about what I could/should do to help...if I set him over the edge to a potential relapse and if it's ME due to not having what it takes to develop a healthy, meaningful, fullfilling relationship. Wow. So much to think about.
I know the feeling on that one too rainbow except i'm obssessing on him less and less .. I'm sad he's gone and it's hard to accept even now somedays but when i realised the addict wasn't getting high to shut me and the rest of us up, he was getting high to shut his own voice up .. the voice of his own nagging guilt, conscience .. even is comedown where he begins to remember his negative behavior .. I realised if he won't even listen to himself, unfortunately he won't listen to me either .. Still .. like a ripple effect on a pond .. where i'm facing the affects of my own control with him .. example .. (defect control) since I was So controlling .. I'm now feeling the effect of his unhealed hurt toward me .. meanness through resentments which has in turn led to his families gossip and criticism which now have the affect i'm dealing with him and another woman which have led to now my daughter has less time with him .. isn't his main priority as neither am i .. which in turn has led to deeper abandonment issues for us both which in turn she goes to school, is angry (hurt and fearful) and then argues which leads to the teacher which leads back to me .. noone told me there were so many on my merry go round .. to think i thought I was on it alone .. but the ripple effect .. when he talks to me now, he has to step into the world of recovery .. i won't step back into addiction .. It's rough but i need to look at that ripple affect and begin to see what the genuine kind acts can spread .. it's one day at a time but definitely in need of spiritual guidance into me today because what we deal with is too much for most of us !! I begin a new project this morning so I have to run but very many Hugs to you .. i hope to get back on here later !
Stems from my dad too, Gail .. but i think worse .. my mother who was even sicker than my dad .. I love them both but I am Still to this day feeling the affects of their own ripples !! Hugs ..
I even recognised today that I don't like when someone tells me what to do !! That's the little girl in me .. demanding she's a big girl out of ego not experience .. geez .. All makes sense !!!
