When to say something - Al-Anon Family Group

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

When to say something

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

That is a tough situation. Is the little girl's mother aware of this stuff?

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

No, I'm pretty sure she's aware that he's an alcoholic but not the other stuff.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I mean is she aware he is drinking while their daughter is with you two? Im just wondering b/c I have a friend and in the legalities of their joint custody neither are allowed to drink while taking care of their son

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Tuesday 17th of January 2012 01:10:12 PM

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

They don't have a legal agreement. The visitation agreement was done through a mediator there is nothing legal to the best of my knowledge. He pays child support every month and we have baby girl every weekend.

She knows he drinks, so I'm going to go with yes she knows he drinks while he has the girl. She has never asked me, and she has known my AH longer then I have.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

As I said in private mesage and will say again. The little girl is very luck to have YOU! I also believe your HP will reveal the right thing.. pray for guidance. I am a firm believer in boundaries. I am here for you to give support and to listen. answers will come to you in time.

danni · Senior Member

Wow. I'm not sure how I would address this. Do you have a sponser? This is definitely something I would run by my sponser. I sometimes get confused about the line between Live and Let Live and setting boundries. The three year old is blessed to have you there, that's for sure. There is a good passage in Courage to Change re: boundries if you have it...Sending you support on this one.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

@ Michelle, thank you!!!

@ Danni, I will definitely look that one up. I don't have a sponsor yet, I have my meeting tonight and I know I need to reach out to someone to be my sponsor I just haven't yet made the phone call.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

If you've read the book the delima of an alcoholic marriage go back to some of those passages and pray like crazy to your hp for guidance. I'm grateful I did when there are things I want and need to address. Hp will always give me the words I need even when I do not have them in the beginning they just come. yesterdays reading in odaata really came to mind especially in checking motives. I don't know if there is a phone list available, I do encourage you to reach out to the woman you would like to sponsor you and ask if you can run what you want to say by her. That is also ok to do. Hugs p;) that little one is very lucky!!! ;)

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to add accepting unacceptable behavior from our qualifier is not ok. I'm not talking about controlling the drinking they do. If we don't let them know it's not ok then we have given them a silent yes. Anything that has to do with safety mine or minors falls into the it needs to be addressed. Which you are doing, so just work your program just like with the trainer. The conversations aren't fun, and some of the fall out is not fun. The outcome is a clearer picture of what is a boundary and I can have conversations without pointing the finger saying "you cant do ...". The benefits are for me the ability to be less fearful. That is a good emotional payoff. Sponsor/phone list. Hugs

nyc018 · Senior Member

I'm all for letting the addict deal with their own consequences, but this is a matter of the safety of a little girl who is a totally innocent bystander in all this. I would say yes, definitely something needs to be done. I agree with the suggestions to run by an Alanon friend or sponsor who may be to give some concrete ideas. And I also agree that she is very lucky to have you!

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Our program suggests "when in doubt, don't". I have found this to be a good tool when trying to set boundaries. When I am not sure what to do about something, I talk to my sponsor, pray and meditate(for guidance and an open mind to see the answer when it is put to me), and wait for the answer. When it is time to take action, the course becomes clear and I am no longer in doubt.

It is sometimes hard to wait, but patience usually pays off for me. There doesn't appear to be any impending danger. You are there, so the little one is relatively safe for the time being. Observing with detachment might reveal an answer.

In support,

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a very strong advocate for children. This is NOT a safe situation. So far you have caught a few things. Those are warnings Jackie.

If he is loaded in anyway, takes her outside then takes his eyes off her for a bit and she is in the street....there are a million scenerios.

A person who is not sober and clear should not have any responsibilityfor a child. I have often said I would not leave my dogs alone with the AH.

Is he smoking pot outside? If it is in the house that is horribly abusive. Totally illegal and you knowing he has an illegal substance in that house with a baby can implicate YOU.

You could end up in jail and or prison!

This is not some little thing. We have to protect children, all children. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with the mom, but this is HER child. She has every right to know. I would be furious if my AH was using while having our kids. I would be furious at you for not telling me too.

She has the right to make the decision whether you being there makes her comfortable to leave the child there.

I am old with lots of experience. Have seen way too much. I will always put the kids safety first. Always. I don't care if I lose a friend or family member. That child is the priority.

It only takes one tiny little thing, and that baby is hurt forever.

You are sooo wise to come here and share and ask for ideas. I am so glad that mom and child have you.

Again this is MY experience. Not telling you what to do. Please protect that baby!! love, please update us, debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You have already set a important boundary , you drive period .. Dont make excuses for his stuff ( on the porch not properly dressed ) let him deal with it . A 3 yr old cannot make decissions , adults can she counts on her parents to keep her safe / Louise

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Jackie,

I am also an advocate for children. They come first. They rely on us.

The prayer is, God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN... Is there anything you can do for the child's safety? I think there is! There will be consequences, of course - he's not going to like it!!! But the program guidance is to do the next right thing, doing as Higher power would have me do. Then humbly relying on Him - despite my fear of the consequences. That's the prayer!!!

I'm sure he does "love" his child. Unfortunately, alcoholics "love" their addiction too. Actually they are sick, they have an obsession and compulsion, therefore, it comes first. Always.

If he is not capable of caring for his child, and clearly he is not, you have to do it at all times when she is around. If you don't want that responsibility, then she can't come over, in my opinion. What he did is serious. Thank you Higher power, it wasn't worse.

None of this is easy. That's why HP gave us a fellowship ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 18th of January 2012 02:21:00 PM

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to say something. I realized that these situations needed to be addressed and I needed to state that a. b. and c. are wrong. I don't yet know what to do as far as boundaries and what am I going to do.

He's going to drink, and smoke pot. When it's me, I can remove myself from the situation if necessary. I think I struck a nerve by pointing out that it's not ok to do this around baby girl.

I am still praying for what my action needs to be. Thank you for all the ESH.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Jackie,

Hugs, you've got a great program just keep doing what you are doing. As a suggestion and what has worked for me, sticking to the "what's" of the situation .. what baby girl looked like sitting outside with flip flops on, what he looked like, what happened .. mom showed up and then leaving him to figure out some of that on his own. He needs to come to his own conclusions about some of this, I find by sticking to the "what's" and being calm and soft spoken that it speaks much more volumns than if I get into the "why","how" and so on of the situation. Then I'm the bad guy because I"m picking, nagging and of course it's all my fault.

Hugs P :)

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you!

I stated that even though in his head he has justified the pot smoking it is in no way shape or form ok and it is illegal.

I stated that it was cold, and she has no body fat. I didn't need to mention the fact that her mom pulled up while they were out there, he knew when it happened that it was not good.

I stated that she is going to learn to be wary of him as she grows because when he smells funny he is different. I told him that I am an adult and the verbal garbage and accusations I'm capable of deflecting but she is not. I told him that she deserves to grow up in an environment where she feels safe and loved and he does not provide this when he is drinking.

He loves his daughter. Me pointing this out is just another indicator to him that things need to change. I hear it all the time, and I give the same answer, it's something you have to want to do for you, this is your decision, your choice and your consequences when you don't choose what you know is right for you. What is not right is allowing your daughter to be outside without a coat and getting high while she is with us.

I'm still praying as far as how to set the boundary. I have to mean what I say and say what I mean (and not say it mean) and currently he's sick as a dog so conversation on this topic is closed for now.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

@Debilyn He smoked outside. Regardless I looked up state law on the subject so I am educated.

I was reading Marriage on the Rocks this morning, the first chapter, which talks about personality traits. Which I could completely identify with. There is more and I plan to fast track my reading so I have a better understanding of setting the boundary. I will protect baby girl, and I know that this is the priority. I was actually surprised regarding Sunday, I know I shouldn't have been but truly usually we are both so adamant that she not be outside without the right clothes on.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.