"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

CelinaR · Member

Husband Hiding Alcohol

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome, I hope you will consider finding an alanon meeting in your area. The reality is this you are powerless over his drinking. You can't beg, plead, make him make promises not to drink, there are no right words to make an alcoholic stop drinking. What you can do is go to an alanon meeting and start taking care of yourself. When we change the focus of our perceived issue and start putting the focus on us we start living and stop obsessing. His drinking is an illness and it's up to him to stop his own crazy train of addiction. It does get better just keep coming back. Hugs p ;)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm going through a similar situation as you are, yet I haven't threaten to leave. My son has emotional issues and I'm afraid that if I left or we separated, it would be too much for him and I'm not really into putting my kid on medication just because I chose to not figure out how to fix myself. So, I am choosing to fix myself first before I threaten to leave or force him to change(which isn't going to happen anyway). I attended my first Al Anon meeting last week and I'm meeting with a close friend tonight to tell her what's going on. That way, if things get out of control I have a place to go temporarily if I need to leave. I guess my point is, I'm fixing myself first and letting him do what he's going to do without interfering. He's a grown man and he's going to make his own decisions, he doesn't need another mother which is what he's accused me of before.

Of course, I'm not perfect in my voyage to get better. I kept wondering what he did with those 8 beers I found a few days ago and while he was out, I found 2 trunks in our garage and I always wondered what was in there. I found where he hid the keys and opened the trunks and sure enough, I found 3 remaining beers. And, yes, I felt good about finding those beers. Boy, do I have a long way to go! My AH likes to drink after everyone has gone to bed and 2 weekends ago I found him still actively drinking at 6 AM!!! Crazy making behavior can make us feel like we're going crazy. The only thing we all can do is get better and stop our own crazy train. He's responsible for his side of the street. I've decided that the only time I'll step in and speak to him is if I find his behavior is inappropriate around our son or if he is stumbling around drunk and then decides to drive. I am so looking forward to my next meeting on Thursday! Keep coming back and find a meeting if you can. It may just save your sanity!

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

When my wife & I were dating, we used to joke about how she was such a bad liar. 7 years of marriage later, she has now become a very good liar. Really what I mean is that she has no issue or problem with lying, and that is because she has a disease (alcoholism) and her disease is in control. Your husband is in the same boat.

I'm not surprised by my wife's lies anymore. It's the moments of honesty that take me by surprise now, and really show me that she is getting better by working her program very hard. The moments of honesty are rare, but they are coming.

Anyway, I understand your anger--all of us here do. Try and understand that no one feels worse about this than your husband. He hates himself and he hates what he is doing. He is not in control. He is sick. Try and understand that. It's not easy but if you get to meetings and read Al Anon literature it will be easier.

There are many, many people here who have been or who are in the same exact situation as you right now. And at an Al Anon meeting, you will be in a room full of people who understand.

danni · Senior Member

Oh, this sounds painfully familiar. I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand the hurt, anger, disappointment, and hope during the not-drinking times. The promises and then the promises broken. A year ago, I swore that if my husband drank again, I would leave him. We have a 2 and 5 yr old. He did drink again, and instead of leaving, I went to my first Al Anon meeting. It was the best decision I ever made for myself and my family. At the meetings, i found support, information, a way of healing myself, and a clarity of mind to help me make informed decisions instead of emotionally reactive ones that would not just affect me, but my little ones as well. It was also the first place I could actually tell the truth about my situation--really tell the truth. What a relief, though painful, it was. My husband still drinks sometimes, and it is not easy sometimes, but I am so much better. I have faith in this program and faith in my family. Of course it isn't wrong of you wanting to leave. Only you can know what is best for you and your family. I know, for me, the support of the program has given me confidence in the decisions I make. Sending you TREMENDOUS support and understanding. Keep coming back! This site is amazing, and I am so glad you found us here. You are not alone.

Jadie · Veteran Member

Hi Celina & welcome smile

Alcohol controlled me for years but I was in denial, just like an A in denial except I was sober. My days were consumed with watching & monitoring their behaviours, measuring the amounts in bottles, even photographing them, keeping a meticulous record on my computer. Every day my guts would churn and my head was a whirlwind of insanity. I was full of fear.

I isolated from family & friends, I was too busy with the disease. I wasnt living MY life, I had given it.....willingly......to the disease of alcoholism. I had to fix them at any cost.

I broke, the mental pressure I was putting myself under started giving me physical ailments & I all but ceased to function.

Al-anon was recommended and I entered a face to face meeting and there my recovery began. I was embraced by strangers who knew me because I was just like them, affected by anothers addiction. I sat, listened, took what I liked and left the rest, and I did what was recommended, I kept going back.

I still go back.

Im a work in progress......day at a time. I now understand I didnt Cause it, I can't Control it & I can't Cure it (the 3C's). I can detach with love and take care of ME.

Dont be afraid to embrace the gentle Al-anon programme, it does work if we work it.

((((((support))))))

Jadie x

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Celina.. you've already received several really good shares to your post.... I'd echo them, and encourage you to seek out recovery for YOU, and that would include Al-Anon, books such as 'Getting Them Sober', volume one, by Toby Rice Drews, as well as keep coming back to MIP....

Your hubby is an alcoholic - plain and simple.... he may or may not be in a place where he is willing to admit this yet, but the proof is there in your post.... In their addiction, many (most?) active A's will choose their addiction over anything and everything, including spouses, kids, job, etc.... it truly is a 'cunning and baffling' disease....

I would encourage you to do everything you can for you and YOUR recovery. We have a great old saying here....

"He will either drink (or lie, or be in denial, or hide his booze) or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"

Take care of you. Learn about this disease that he has. In Al-Anon, we DO learn to "love the alcoholic, hate the disease" (this does NOT mean we give him a free pass, and tolerate unacceptable behavior towards us or our children).

I wish you well.

Tom

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. I am glad you found us and hope you are able to make it to f2f meetings, that is what saved me when I hit my bottom. I am sending you love and support on your journey'

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome!!
You have received great ESH..When I first found out about my husband's deceit, the lies and manipulation so that he could use.. i felt the same way. I felt like my husband was cheating on me. It hurt. Then I accepted that it is truly a disease. If my husband were diabetic and he snuck and ate sweets every night would I feel he was cheating on me? No. But I would be very worried about his health. That is true. I don't know if your husband has ever been in the rooms of AA or not but what he is doing now is very common. He is trying to control it. He may honestly believe he can. He may think he still has power over alcohol. The things that helped me were knowledge from Al-Anon and AA leads. Also reading literature on the subject of alcoholism and also al-anon and how it works. Your husband does love you. He really does. He is in a whirlwind of an addiction right now and is in need of serious help. But you can't force that help. You are correct as you say you have control over yourself.. but not over him. Remember, you are not lost in this mess because there is a program to help YOU and that is al-anon.

CelinaR · Member

Thank you all for your words of support. I am hanging onto every word. You are all making me feel...normal. I want to go to an Al-Anon meeting. What is the best way to locate one? I looked up my area but they don't all specify "beginner meeting". Does that matter? I would like to go as soon as possible. I am also going to read Getting Them Sober. Thanks for that suggestion.

Thanks again for the support. I prayed yesterday that God would send someone to help me and I think you all were the answers to my prayer. Thank you.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I just went to a meeting, didn't specify beginners or newcomers. It was the only one on my available evening. I, too, am reading "Getting Them Sober'.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

The shock of all the realizations is so hard to bare! Plus we are so ignorant to the whole thing!

Yes meetings are vital. Reading literature, researching addiction all that helps so much.

I found there was no reason to be mad. He has a disease he did not choose and is part of his dna.

Addiction has symptomes like any other disease. Lying is part of it, being selfish, manipulative etc. there are many symptoms. It is nothing personal, he is very sick.

To confront them is a waste of time and makes things worse. In all actuality it is his disease, he is going to do what he does. He is an adult, and we are not their keepers.

We have to decide to learn Al Anon skills to be able to stay with them, accept them as is. If they get help great, if not, we cont to use skilss.

We can keep it the way it is and fight and be miserable.
or we can leave.

We all have the right to be accepted as is. I know it is hard. you have kids etc. But it is the truth.

And yes you have the right to make boundaries. The thing is you have to mean it and stick to the consequences. They can see your weaknesses before you do.

He feels very guilty, he feels hurt. He may not understand what is happening to him self either.

But it is up to him to figure it out. We need to stay out of it completely.

My AH taught me ultimatums do not work and make it worse.

I am sad you all are going thru this. Please keep coming. I would not have made it without the people here at MIP.

much love,debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

As you have read, you are definatley not alone. I particularly resonated with your comment regarding his love for alcohol more than his love for you. This is a hard one that I struggle with.

Others on here have taught me that my husband does love me. I am learning to not confuse his love for me, and his relationship with his substance. Each is not a reflection of the other. I really thought if he loved me he would stop and there is a book of a similar title. It is a common thought for us Al Anon people.

I tried to QTIP "Quit taking it personally". His substance use is not a reflection of me. It is not a reflection of his love for me. My husband loves me and he has a substance addiction issue.. alternatively.. he is an addict with a wife whom he loves.

I find that lately, I have two people in my home at times. I have the loving and wonderful husband and I have an addict that visits. I knew them both enough to know who I was talking to at what time by the responses I received. I choose to not engage with the addict. I don't like his visits. I accept he comes in the same parcel as my husband so he is accepted into my life within my boundaries.

I really love talking to my husband when he is there. Lately it has been my husband alot more and the addict is visiting less. Maybe he got the hint that I didn't want to talk to him. I tell ya what though.. that addict loves to argue.... if I chose to engage with the addict in an argument, he thrives on it. Totally illogical thing to do.

I do hope you keep coming here and you get what you need from our family.

CelinaR · Member

Again, thank you so much for all of your support. I have read up to Chapter 22 in "Getting Them Sober" and, along with the support here, it has given me some strength to carry on. Last night, I talked to my husband who has been wanting to talk and I just couldn't even look at him let alone speak to him. After reading your words and the words in the book, I have come to terms with the fact that he is sick and needs to get better on his own terms. I did exactly as the book said. I printed off AA literature, set it in the bathroom without any other reading materials (a suggestion that kind of made me laugh, actually!) and then when he wanted to talk I told him that I believe he has a disease called alcoholism. I told him I have been in denial about it for probably two years when I started questioning his wt loss, etc. I told him that I am no longer in denial and I will be starting my recovery through Al-Anon meetings next week. I told him I hope for him to recover also but that it was up to him to do. He said he didn't want me to go to Al-Anon because this was *his* problem, not mine. I told him it is my problem, it has affected me and my health and emotional well being. And now it's time for me to get better. Then he said he would find out where he could go to AA. I gave him the literature that I printed off with the phone number and he took it to work with him today. I'm praying that he made a call BUT realize we have a long road ahead of us.

My new dilemma is that we are supposed to go to a family gathering this weekend. I don't want to tell anyone what is going on for various reasons but mostly, because I don't think it will help. At least not right now. I truly believe that nobody would suspect this, they would be shocked and probably wouldn't believe it. I just don't know if I can go and put up a front that we're happy. But, at the same time, I love getting together with my family as do my kids - it would make me happy which, from what I'm reading, is necessary for recovery. What should we do?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I have one question ... why does anyone need to know? I'm not saying it's a "secret" I don't see it as their business. If my q choses to tell someone about his situation that is up to him and not me to share. family doesn't mean they need to know. Hugs p ;)

CelinaR · Member

Pushka - I don't think anyone does need to know. It's just hard for me to keep this to myself and to go on with life as if all is well. At first I thought I would tell my parents because I'm tired of having this secret but as I said in my earlier post, I don't think it would really make me feel better and I know it would be hard on my husband, too. I guess we'll go and just carry on as if things are normal.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

It will probably come up or out, when it's time and on the right terms. I try and check my motives for why I want to tell someone. This is where meetings come in so handy because I can talk to someone, my sponsor. In the past I wanted an ally, and after all look what I was being put through. I've found now by allowing things to run the course they need to what comes out is not on me unless I'm focused on my own recovery. It's not about a big bad secret and more secrets. It's really about allowing things to unfold the way they need to. In support hugs p ;)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"