Support - Al-Anon Family Group

double rainbow · Member

Support

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon could help in that many who come here have qualifiers with drug problems more than alcohol. The reason you are going is not for him but for you so you will learn things that are pertinent. Aside from that, you could find Narcanon more specific, but the meetings might be harder to find.

double rainbow · Member

Thank you for your feedback. I'm at the point of "detaching" from him right now. He was in rehab for 3 months and is total 9 months "clean". The first few months when he came back (we don't live together and started dating one week prior to his rehab), he was great, new outlook on life, attending the meetings and then I noticed a difference in personality the first few weeks he went back to work. Because of his profession, he is tested 3 times a week and has to attend group meetings along with his AA/NA meetings which he told me "didn't help". I noticed a switch in personality and started pulling back and would often call him out on his behaviour. He would turn the tables back to me and say it was my fault. From what I've read and learned about addicts is that this could be a potential "set up" for relapse and I really don't want to be involved with this roller-coaster anymore. I've reached out and have tried to offer support however, he is not returning texts or answering phone calls. It's frustrating for me because I really care for him and want to help and need the tools to help me stay strong for myself...as I find I'm consumed by the need to "help" and be there...however he has pushed and continues to push me away. I know this sounds pathetic, but I'm at the point where I'm wondering if it's "me" and how I'm communicating with him that's causing this shift. I haven't slept in weeks and my mind is all over the place. ANy feedback is appreciated. Is this normal?

danni · Senior Member

The Al Anon face to face meetings can help offer support and information whether the addict is using or not. I have learned by listening at the meetings how sobriety can be painful and confusing as well as the using times. I left an response re: meetings on another post today if that helps. My kids are bouncing off the wall, so I don't have time to go into more detail :). Sending you support, compassion and understanding. You deserve help and help is available. Glad you are here!

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

It is not uncommon for A's to try several times before they truly find sobriety, and some never do. It is usually not a good sign when they turn conversations backwards and blame others. We do the best we can to stay sane and take care of ourselves. It is very painful watching a loved one go through this. You need support for yourself and you will find it in the meeting rooms and here. I am glad you found us. Welcome!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know with any addict I am around, their addiction is none of my business. It is their disease, up to them how to deal with it or not.

Yes like recovery is a jouney, relapse is too. Usually it is a process then they use.

Sadly addicts do most often live a life of ups and downs. This is where our working on us to keep us balanced thru it all is so important.

It is very common what you are going thru. I know for me when I let go, quit calling quit asking questions things got better.

The thing is most of them do not know what makes them do what they do."I don't know" I heard sooo many times from my Ah. then I learned he really did not know.

It sounds like he really needs you to be strong, enjoy your own life no matter what he is feeling. There are many reasons he is pushing you away. As far as being clean and drug tests....they are moot. they lie, its part of it all and they have many ways to fool with the drug tests.

So again us monitoring is a waste of time. So we go to meetings, read stuff. come here, talk to other al Anoners. pm to each other here. My best friend is someone i met here, over ten years now.

I know it is hard, but addiction is addiction. If you choose to have a relationship with him, its you that you can work on.

I got to the point I was just glad his body was there. I was not into his disease one bit. I loved him dearly, hated the disease. never even talked about it.

Sometimes when we step back, they come to us. They need us more than we need them usually., So I invite you to go to meetings, a drug is a drug, addiction encompasses them all.

Maybe focus on being his friend for now. That was the one thing that kept me with my husband as long as I could be. We were friends.

Glad you are here. love,debilyn

double rainbow · Member

Again, I want to thank you all for your honest feedback and support. It's comforting to know that there are others out there that have been through similar situations. I do have a support group of friends that I have confided in but unless you've been involved and cared/loved someone with an addiction, it's very hard to offer advice as with anything that's not understood, so I am grateful to have stumbled upon this group through browsing the internet for topics relating to addiction. I have come to realize in this short time that I'm most likely co-dependent. I've orderd books and plan on reading voraciously this weekend on "loving an addict" along with "love addiction". Not sure where I fall in this category, however, there has to be some part of me that needs to reconcile that I am chosing to let this affect me. I'm certainly willing to own my part in this relationship..(or lack thereof at this point). Debilyn, you mentioned that stepping back may be what I need to do at this point. I remember asking him at one point a month or two ago when I was totally confused by his behaviour what exactly he wanted. I asked if he wanted me in his life or if he didn't. His response was "I don't know". At the time I was shocked because when he came back from rehab, we were together every day and he seemed so full of life and excited for a future together. He went to church everyday and attended his meetings. I would ask occasionally if he was feeling "tempted", or struggling when he first exhibited the signs of withdrawing. He never really answered, just listened to me tell him I supported him and wanted to support him if he started feeling that way. Now that I think about it, he always downplayed an urge to "use" again, said he didn't think about it or would he ever do it again. He was addicted to prescription drugs from trauma to his arm in 2010 from a very bad fall. I don't know how long he was addicted, my guess would be over a year but do know the first week and a half we dated he was using as he enterd rehab two weeks after. Another question I have is if he is being tested 3 times a week, how could he get around it? I suppose for me because of his profession, (medical field) he has mandatory testing (urine), I would think it would something important to maintain with the threat of losing his license if something showed in the test. I know this is all over the place and unfortunately, this is my mindset lately due to no sleep. So glad to have found you all and not feel so alone.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.