Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Sober Alcoholic with Depression
Post Info TOPIC: Sober Alcoholic with Depression
Hope4Peace


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 16
Date:
Sober Alcoholic with Depression
Permalink  

My AH has been sober nearly one year after drinking since his teenage years. He's had clinical depression for nearly as long, though he was officially diagnosed well into our marriage. He drank despite warnings from his therapist. He stopped seeing the therapist. I admit to years of enabling both the drinking and avoidance of dealing with his depression because I had such low expectations for myself. I accepted when he said I caused his depression and I believed him when he said drinking didn't impact his anti-depressants.

I'm pleased he no longer drinks and he takes his medication. That's it. Habits of his depression are more pronounced than ever--disengaged, lack of energy, etc. He goes to work and that's it. Within the past year our daughter has had a DUI and been diagnosed with depression; our son tried to commit suicide and has clinical depression that has yet to respond to meds.

I've been going to al-anon and it's changed my life. I'm new at the program, but it feels like a miracle. My husband refuses to go and says he'll get whatever he needs from me. He does not go to AA or any other program. I get that he needs to find his own way and I need to mind my own business. I'm working hard to accept his alcoholism and I am trying not to ruminate over the idea that his depression was not well-served by years of drinking. 

I am so angry, though, that he's no help with our kids. He actively fights with both kids, so the holidays were chaos. I just hoped that he might find skills to do the day to day work of having a family. I'm now to the point that I think a separation is the only way to bring some peace to my household.

Thanks.



__________________
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
Permalink  

I am so sorry you are struggling and that you feel alone in your parenting, sometimes I feel like that. My AH was sober for 15 years, I married him as a sober man but he struggled with depression, anxiety, and anger issues all those years. Then he started drinking again. He never used AA to quit and I knew back then that he needed a support system but I kept my mouth shut and I became his dumping ground. We've been married 17 years and it's taken me this long to realize that I need to set up boundaries and that I can only keep my side of the street clean. Also, my AH just started taking meds for depression and some of the things you are seeing may be side effects of the medication especially the lack of motivation. As for your kids, you are doing the right thing by setting the example of getting help for yourself. Keep at it and don't give up, you never know who may follow your lead. Praying that you do find peace, whether you decide to separate or stay. Keep coming back, this is a great place to be!

__________________
Struggling to find me......
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

HI Hope. yes depression can be genetic. That has to be so very hard to see those around you so sick.

Of course all meds are affected by alcohol and even some foods and other meds!

No ones body organs and all work well with alcohole causing havok.

He is not better just not drinking. In fact for many it makes it worse.  But as you said, that is not up to you. Him saying he will get the help from you is typical manipulation. We are not their therapists. The best therapist for them is another addict.

That is so awful how your kids are not feeling right. My doc makes it very clear to always come to him with any problems from anything. They can work with the depression meds and figure out what works for each person.

Apparently your family needs help with that. my son changes drastically when he is on his depression meds. He is back to his norm. Both me and my kids are really into our passions so that helps. meaning his outdoor life and doing it all scuba diving, hiking, fishing pontoon boating. daughter baking, organic child care hiking, makes exquisite jewery, very creative. me my animals keep me going and keep my life ultra simple in every way.

I am so sad separation is in your mind. It must be very bad if you feel that way. I know it hurts horribly. The affects on you and the kids has to be damaging. well for A too!

Is there any possibility of family counseling with a specific psychiatrist who can help you guys physically and mentally? i am including the addict dad too.

having a family is so precious. I hope now when it is sick and breaking down, you all can fight to get better!

Please keep coming. Al Anon meetings are such a great thing. Ala teen for the kids?

hugs and love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
GailMichelle


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1230
Date:
Permalink  

Hi Hope4Peace,

Welcome to MIP!  Like all of us here, you're fortunate to have found this site.  Reading posts can be helpful, as well as posting and responding.

I'm glad to read that you are already attending Al-Anon, and that you realize whose job it is to fix him.  You're taking the right steps to having peace in your life.

My husband, after drinking for about 45 years, is attending AA meetings regularly.  He doesn't seem to be working the Steps or have a specific sponsor.  These are things I'd like to see happen. 

HOWEVER, I now realize that it's his business how he maintains his sobriety - not mine.  So I completely butt out, which wasn't easy for me to do the majority of our life together.

I hope you continue to find meetings helpful and enlightening.  Life gets better as one becomes more skilled at using the tools Al-Anon teaches.

I hope you will eventually say the same.

There is hope for your husband and children.  Hold hope close to your heart.  But continue to do what is in your control: taking care of you.  You can teach them by example.  But don't let be the reason you want to change.  Do it for you.  It's not selfish.  It's the only sane thing to do because everything else is out of your control.  Peace

Please keep coming back!



__________________

You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Too hard


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 150
Date:
Permalink  

I have been living with a sober husband now for 30 years, we will be married 50 years in a fortnight's time.

He stopped drinking after I shocked him by leaving the state, nearly 20 years into the marriage...and after 6 children. 

I joined Al-Anon and he AA and after six months we got together again.

However he sober was still left with his personality.

When he is stressed or 'out of routine' or doing something which he does not really want to do he can be very unpleasant, hostile and rude....this is frustrating and I can get angry.

I'm long past analysing why, especially when I am trying to be helpful, because it only prolongs my anger.

But;

A modern word which has popped up in the last 15 yrs or so is 'tough love' and those two words cover for me the Al-anon slogan 'First things first'.

This covers my needs first.... for determination to detach from his emotional problem, to silence, to serenity, to stay sane.

Also when an episode like this happens I often think this is too hard and I haul out my Al-Anon books again.

I generally have my own interests and now volunteer work, after retirement.

The very best to you, T.H.



__________________
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

He is not sober...he is dry. There is a big difference. He needs to go to AA to learn to be sober. You pretty much described me in terms of the background of my own alcoholism, depression....etc. I was that type of self-medicating clinically depressed drunk.... I could not have done any of what I have without AA. If he thinks his recovery is contingent upon you, then he will relapse without you. That is an unfair spot to put you in, as he should be responsible for his own recovery. It saddens me that people are so frightened of AA that they would prefer to be miserable and lose their relationships rather than learn to function like a responsible, sober, grown up individual.

You can lead a horse to water....

Supporting you though,

Mark

__________________
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3972
Date:
Permalink  

Hi and welcome to MIP. I am glad you found face to face meetings and us here. I didn't get your kids ages, but I wonder if you have told them about Al-ateen or Al-anon for them as well. It sounds like your husband is dry, but hopefully the longer you work on you and your recovery he will see the changes and want some for himself. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it was such a great and helpful book. I have had my oldest and I in therapy with an addiction specialist to help us deal with my exAH(ex alcoholic husband) and it has been very helpful. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hope4Peace


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 16
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you all for your wisdom and your words. You have been where I stand, now, so thank you for sharing. This week was better, mostly because I realized how important it is to establish some boundaries for myself and then respect those boundaries for myself. Even one boundary is enough for today!



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Sober Alcoholic with Depression