The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 5 year old asked me this just now, and it is breaking my heart. My AH is home, but severly stressed about losing a lot of his work (due to cutbacks), and having ugly feelings that, for today, he is not masking with drinking. He is, however, in a bad mood and snappy. With the children, he has a history of being very hands on, creative, and extremely loving, so this abrupt change is upsetting my daughter. I answered to her, "I don't know why, but it doesn't have anything to do with you", and I left it at that with a big hug and kiss. I am not a perfect parent, so I am trying to place the focus on what I CAN control, which is what kind of parent I want to be today. How can I improve MY parenting? Thanks for listening.
Good answer. And if you have to, and if you can, remove her from his presence and go out for a hamburg, go to the park, go to a movie, go to the library, go to grandmas.
I learned, through many bouts of trial and error, that the ONLY thing I could tell my kids, about their Mom's erratic behavior..... was that they are loved and they are safe....
That is the bottom line of what kids really NEED to know... it's impossible for us to speak to "why" the other parent is behaving in such & such a way...
My kids would ask "why is mommy sick"....
I would answer, with a hug - "I know you're worried, but just remember that you are loved and you are safe"
It is about the only thing we know for certain...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with Maryjane- you gave a perfect answer- simple, honest, and from your heart. It validates that the behavior is puzzling, inconsistent, and is nothing to take personally. I wish I had that direct simplicity when my daughter was younger. As she became older, she guessed exactly what was wrong and confronted me for confirmation. (She identified his behavior with a character in a book.) I am no expert, but I always told my daughter how much I love her and thanked her every night for making me the luckiest Mom in the world.
You soud like a wonderful Mom. I don't have advice because I am not a parent but I know from experience that my Mom's nagging and yelling at my Mom did not help me any and I wish either of them would have just given me a hug and showed me that it was okay to let go of the why's and what can I do's and to just live. I wish my Mom had taken me away from my Dad when he was making her so mad she wanted to scream and yell, but instead she did just that. At least I can be different when I have kids someday. I love my Mom and Dad, they did the best they could with what the had. They did not realize there was a different way to live. Keep being a great Mommy, danni.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
