keeping secrets of the one who's sick - Al-Anon Family Group

smzele · Newbie

keeping secrets of the one who's sick

danni · Senior Member

Welcome! I am so glad you found us here, and I am very sorry you are having to go through this. Living with addiction can be very painful and confusing. I hope you can find your way to a face to face Al Anon meeting. My husband's drinking brought me to the meetings, and there so much of the confusion cleared up, and I was better able to make decisions and answer questions like the ones you are naturally having. Most importantly, I was able to get understanding and support for myself. I learned that the only way we can help the ones we love is to help ourselves first. I am sending you tremendous support, compassion, and understanding. You are not alone!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow. This is tough stuff. But we can be strong at the broken places...

Now YOU know the truth (which you knew before he told you, right?)

Examine your motives before you decide to tell anyone else in the family...sometimes when I disclosed what was going on, I was coming from that self-righteous place and looking for support for ME to ally with me against my A...and that wasn't helpful...family members in my case still defend, defend, defend, and deny...and I am the one who ends up being the crazy wench.

Read the posts in the archives here...they have been a great source of help and hope for me. That whole idea of detaching from the addiction, as foreign as it may seem, really worked for me. You will have to decide what you will and won't put up with going forward, and maybe there IS a reason for others to know at some point...but you don't have to figure that all out TODAY.

Easy does it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Smzel

Welcome to MIP I too would like to suggest that you look up alanon face to face meetings in your community and begin to attend . Actually your husband's family would also benefit.

Alanon saved my sanity and life when I was living with addiction. I was given new constructive tools to live by, a new way of living and support from those who truly understand as few others can.

Alanon believes that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. Being powerless means that any attempt on my part to change the behavior of the alcoholic is doomed to failure. If his parents are involved with his addiction as they have been they too must see the marks on his arms as you did. They are also powerless over his behavior

Giving your word to someone is a huge commitment of a principle. Breaking this promise can be easily justified but should you? Only your inner voice can truly decide.

Keep coming back here and try those meetings.

smzele · Newbie

Thank you all for the responses so far, I have been to al anon meetings and have decided to start going back to the once a week meeting that has child care in my area. I know I am powerless over his addiction, but I just feel like this isn't just his normal stuff, he has taken it to a much more serious level, and I don't want to sit around and wait for him to OD or possibly get some disease from needles or even get caught up in with people that could cause him harm. Something inside of me tells be to not just sit back and watch him kill himself. It's just do hard since we have a 2 year old and another baby on the way.

smzele · Newbie

Thank you all for the responses so far, I have been to al anon meetings and have decided to start going back to the once a week meeting that has child care in my area. I know I am powerless over his addiction, but I just feel like this isn't just his normal stuff, he has taken it to a much more serious level, and I don't want to sit around and wait for him to OD or possibly get some disease from needles or even get caught up in with people that could cause him harm. Something inside of me tells be to not just sit back and watch him kill himself. It's just do hard since we have a 2 year old and another baby on the way.

rrib · Senior Member

You are not going to change his behaviour by breaking your own promises.

Al-Anon and/or Narc-Anon meetings might be something to look into.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

As hard as it is not to say anything or tell the secrets to family members, my experience had been the secrets come out and I am not blamed when they do. It had taken a long time, many alanon meetings and a lot of look inward verses outward. I understand the fear of oding. I've got no esh in that area. You have already received wonderful esh and I truly encourage you to keep the focus on you and take care of yourself. Hugs and welcome, p ;)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

The secrets will come out... eventually. I know that you are afraid of his overdose and possible death TODAY. And that is certainly a possibility. But what can you do? What can his family do? You asked him, begged him to tell you the truth, even though you really knew the truth. He just confirmed it. And you promised him you would not tell his parents. Do you think his parents know? Just like you did? And if you told them, what would they do? Maybe fire him. How would that benefit you? Do you think they could talk sense into him? Probably not. If they had that much power over his thought processes they probably would have used it by now.

If you tell them, the only thing that the addict is going to think is that YOU told them when you promised you wouldn't. You would be blamed big time. He would use that for years against you, even when uncalled for. And worse than that, YOU would believe him. You would take the blame that he put on you and be worse to yourself than he would be.

Oh, detachment is hard, but it is not your disease. You don't have to live with it if you don't want to. Or you can if you do want to. Only you can decide that. But it is his deal. He has to live with it.... or get very sick and maybe die with it.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

When it comes to addiction it's Never easy .. I first came to alanon to Change the Meth addict in my life. I was worried for him and willing to try everything .. I was also sure there was of course Something I could say if I could just find the Right words .. (and if I could find the right words, course of action then I could learn to control the behaviors of the addict and Even more.. how those behaviors were affecting Me) then of course he would begin to see the light. The problem is I'm not the addict's higher power which is the only place the light can come from. First off, if this is his First time Ever, maybe he will decide it isn't right for him and become willing to get help. If he has been an ongoing addict for half his life, he may or may not ever decide to get help. If he has been an ongoing addict, the fight to change him is fruitless. The addict continues to get high to shut off his/her own voice. Their own voice that reminds them of their harmful behaviors to themselves and others, their self defeating guilt, shame, obssessions.. hence it's why Most addicts get crazy mad through the comedown process. They Remember what they've done and are angry with Themselves. With the shutting off their own voice, however, if they won't listen to themselves, they won't listen to anyone else either. (this was my awareness on understanding our alcoholic/addict relatives a little better) The reason I finally went back to alanon is because I finally saw how Obssessing on the alcoholic/addict was my issue.

It's a tough call but I love the advice and wisdom in the shares above.
You won't change him by breaking your own promises ..
My husband's drinking brought me to the meetings, and there so much of the confusion cleared up, and I was better able to make decisions and answer questions
Examine your motives before you decide to tell anyone else in the family...sometimes when I disclosed what was going on, I was coming from that self-righteous place and looking for support for ME to ally with me against my A...and that wasn't helpful
Being powerless means that any attempt on my part to change the behavior of the alcoholic is doomed to failure.
my experience had been the secrets come out and I am not blamed when they do.
If you tell them, the only thing that the addict is going to think is that YOU told them when you promised you wouldn't. You would be blamed

This is the collective wisdom of the group and adding just a piece of my own:

Most of my decisions in life have been made in "moments" of fear, obssession, anger, resentment, worry, panic, doubt, etc.. without me ever giving the situations much real thought. None of which are good times to make what may or may not be life changing decisions. My own mind Automatically jumps first to the disease because I too have been affected by the thinking disease .. I see the effects and then react to what I see. Detachment is sometimes taking a moment to see the image recognise all of the affects of the disease and then wait to see it clearer .. I hope you go back to alanon and focus more on You and how these behaviors are affecting You .. helping one person in a family can help an entire family .. good luck .. keep sharing ..

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so glad you're going to meetings. In the beginning, I was told to get to one every day for the next 7 days and see how that feels. I strongly encourage you to try it, it changed me... nothing outside of me had changed, none of my circumstances. But gradually, I became accepting of my circumstances, calm, and able to do the next right thing for myself. Suddenly I could sleep through the night.

The 3 A's: Awareness. Acceptance. And Action, try more meetings ((my friend))

It's not about you sitting back and watching him OD, because he is going to do what he is going to do, being employed or unemployed -- He has a compulsion that is driving him to use any substance he can get his hands on, he is very, very sick. So it's a matter of you turning it over to your Higher power and saying, I surrender, I know there is nothing I can do. Nothing.

You can't stop him, sweetie.

You are powerless.

As the others have said, if you tell his family, you may end up harming YOURSELF, he may suddenly be unemployed. He may end up that way anyway, but let it be from his own actions, stay on your side of the street.

About 25 years ago, I did tell my husband's family, he was addicted to cocaine as we were starting our family. He never understood the terror so he never forgave me for telling them. In his mind, he had everything under control, even though he ended up in the ER and he would often disappear for days (no cell phones back then) it was sheer terror. But my telling his family did nothing. Now all of us were worried together and they were no support whatsoever because they were powerless. I should have stayed in al-anon back then, but I just wanted to hear how to fix him. That's an al-anon joke to me today, but it's what I wanted, a quick fix. I was too frantic to do anything one day at a time, I needed it NOW!!

Big mistake. For me. Twenty years has gone by, he stopped doing cocaine, but the insanity of the thinking went on until I crawled back into al-anon, suicidal myself.

So, good on ((you)) keep going, don't stop your meetings. I cannot stress that enough. Substitute your obsessive fearful thoughts for meetings and supportive program messages. Get your support from the fellowship, not his family. They will love you and be there for you because they understand it. Please don't try to do this alone. ((hugs))

smzele · Newbie

Wow, thanks to everyone who had really helped me today see that telling his parents could have caused this crisis to get even worse. I know that sometimes I need to not take action although my mind tells me to do something right away. I have been praying today for guidance and I know when I hear back from my higher power it will be the right decision on where to go next. I wish I could get to more meetings but at this point I am not leaving our child home alone with him. Thank you to everyone for the wisdom and care. Today may have turned out to be much worse than it was. **thankful**

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

anesthetic

They can just as easily die from alcohol. H just does it quicker. Both can be an anesthetic.

In fact as far as the body is concerned they break down and are stored the same way.

Sadly I so relate growing up in the sixties and seventies. You are super wise to never leave kids with him. Also they are notorious for leaving their needles around. One thing too is I caution you. If he was shooting all day, the chances of sharing a dirty needle are very high. After awhile they don't care. Remember Aids and other stds.

I never broke a confidense of anyones. It's who I am. HP knows, and however it is to be played is out of our hands believe me. My exAH od'ed twice that i know of and was zapped back.

I had asked him to leave both times. He got very abusive after a brain surgery.

There are things that we do need to do for them, not many, in my experience, and most we do nothing.

I will not, if I can do it with out problems, allow them to drive. I will not take a chance of them killing someone with the vehicle if I can stop it.

He is doing nothing new. A drug is a drug. There is no step up. They all can kill very fast if someone wants them to.I stayed out of it. Had to tell me he is an adult, he has the right to make his own choices.

Heroin makes you not really care about anything. I can imagine how wonderful that might feel. To have all things just not matter. Such a hard one to kick too.

I am glad you didn't break his share with others. Even though he is a sick A, again we have no right to do that. Plus it reflects on us too. Someone else said and i agree, if he cont to use H, everyone will know. There are so many signs, especially if he is doing it to get down and not just maintaining.

ugh. I am so sad your kids are affected too. Breaks my heart. I left my A many,many years ago when my kids were little becuz I realized he was using H and drinking.

If he does both at the same time, this is a bomb waiting to go off. But again that is up to him. I lost a few friends to that.

Glad you are here. please keep coming. love,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

WWhen in doubt don't is my motto. And if you want him to continue being honest he needs to be able to trust you. I am glad to hear you have f2f meetings and MIP for support. Take care of you and your kids. Sending you love and support.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The alanon can help you put the focus back on you. You are so worried and focused on him that you haven't thought about what you are going to do for you and your kids. What boundaries are you setting? Even if he was not doing heroin, do you want to be with an active alcholic and pill addict? I know it's not that simple to just pick up and leave. I also know that ultimatums usually don't work (in the form of - "go to rehab or I'm leaving"). Regardless, you gotta follow your gut on this one and be careful not to sink into his addict/alcoholic insanity. His parents do not need to be involved as he is a grown man. It sounds like he is being enabled by them already seeing as most jobs wouldn't have tolerated opiate dependency and alcoholism. All that enabling does contribute to his addiction. Anyhow... Just because you did not tell his parents does not mean do nothing. You can set boundaries if you don't want this in your life. The only problem is you need to stick to those boundaries once you state them....otherwise that just encourages more lying and manipulation. While setting limits typically does not change their addiction....I can also tell you that if nobody ever strongly suggested I get help for my alcholism, I might not have done it.

In support,

Mark

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

smzele,
My husband is an alcoholic/addict.. his drugs of choice when not using alcohol is either oxies or heroin. I did watch him overdose and almost die so I can 100% relate to what you are going through. What I have discovered, however, is that I did not cause his addiction anymore than I can control it or cure it. Now I leave the addiction and/or recovery to him. It is up to him to do his next right thing. It is up to me to do mine. When I focus on myself and seek happiness from within I have seen changes come from my husband as well. No amount of nagging, care taking, tip toeing, or secret telling helped my husband any when he was enslaved in his addiction. My reacting actually seemed to make all matters worse for not only me but also for him. Now I keep my side of the street clean, I go to face to face al-anon meetings, I pray, I seek friends who understand to engage with (al-anon and otherwise,) I read these sites 'religiously,' and I generally make myself happy through hobbies and just enjoying life. This takes pressure off my husband in alot of ways since before I depended on his happiness for my happiness and he could not give me what I wanted because when someone is in the depths of addiction the only thing that really matters is their next high or drunk. I think it is so wonderful that your husband is being at least slightly honest with you. My husband lied to me for about a year and I was quite duked because I trusted him. I knew he was an addict and looking back now I feel very naive.. but he was not shooting the heroin because I would see that.. its tricky and a gradual descent into hell.. but anyway. I think the honesty he is sharing with you is awesome, keeping that trust is important. But I would not try to hide it from his parents because that would be care taking. The responsiblity must be left on the addict/alcoholic. Keep coming back. I know your fears of him OD'ing. I still have nightmares and I still think about that all the time. But it does get better when you focus on you. You can set boundaries, however. You do not have to allow that stuff to be in the prescense of you or your children.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.