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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Can I ask my alcoholic unemployed roommate to leave within 3 weeks?
Post Info TOPIC: Can I ask my alcoholic unemployed roommate to leave within 3 weeks?
SnowRavenX


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Can I ask my alcoholic unemployed roommate to leave within 3 weeks?
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My alcoholic roommate "Ron" is a good friend and has been living with us for 6 months. Ron and I both rent rooms from my best (and lifelong) friend "James" who owns the house, and there is no written lease for either of us. We are all 30 yr old bachelors.

Previously, James and I lived in the house, just the two of us, for over 2 years and things went extremely well. Now, however, we have both had enough of living with Ron. There are a list of reasons why, but in summary it comes down to 3 things:

  1. We need our peaceful, drug and alcohol free living space back.
  2. We don't want to be enablers of this behavior any longer.
  3. I just got a high-paying career job which I will be working remotely from home.

I start in 3 weeks and feel the strong need to have Ron gone by then.

Ron has no job, and I am not sure if he has a place to go (e.g. support network or go stay at Mom's house).

Ron is now about to run out of money--this is very clear from his new extremely conservative spending habits and half-hearted, last-minute effort to find a job. I am almost positive, but I don't think he has told James yet, that he won't have the rent money at the start of next month (in 2 weeks).

In summary, Ron is broke, has no job, and I don't know if he has a couch/Mom's house to go sleep at while he "gets his life together" (which we all know means the same old same old).

Can we ask him to be out in 3 weeks? James (who owns the house) wants to give him 2 or 3 months, but I believe he won't do anything until the last week or two anyway.

Help is much appreciated.



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rehprof


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Hi there!

Only you and James can decide what behavior you will and won't put up with.

I assume you have drawn these boundaries with Ron before? Does he know his behavior is disturbing you and James? If you have NOT communicated previously with him about this...that may factor into your decision about letting him stay.

That said, you have no responsibility for the care and feeding of Ron...and 3 weeks is plenty of time for him to find a place or places to couch surf.

Be ready for the fallout...if he is truly an alcoholic, chances are that he will say (loudly and often) that all his misfortune is YOUR fault.

all best as you make some hard choices...

 



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pinkchip


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Sounds like it is not your house and therefore, not your decision to make. It is James's decision. You can tell him your concerns but ultimately, it is his choice. If you can't tolerate his decision, I would suggest moving out and getting a place of your own. He can tell this "Ron" person anything he wants. It is his house. Even if there is no lease this "Ron" person can probably claim squatters rights if he wanted to and force him through the eviction process.

I would be careful not to speak for James and not to try and be his backbone. He needs to grow his own backbone and forcing the issue could cost you a friend. If he wants to enable some unemployed alcoholic, that is his problem and it doesn't have to be yours.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 16th of January 2012 10:03:45 AM

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tiredtonite


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Although I understand your discomfort with Ron's behavior, the house doesn't belong to you.  It belongs to James.  In my humble opinion, the decision is his to make.  James wants give him 2-3 months. I would examine my own motive for wanting to intervene.  You say Ron is a good friend.  I realize your job is important to you too.  I believe I understand where you are coming from.  If I were in your situation, I would stay on my own side of the street so to speak, make provisions for my upcoming job and how I can work in the house with him there or I would move, put a plan B in place, get to move Alanon meetings, call my sponsor when needed. I would enlist my higher power's help in coming to terms with life on life's terms and let go of both Ron and James tenant/landlord situation.  Hp has a way of taking care of things.  Congratulations on your new job!  TT



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SnowRavenX


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Thank you all for you quick and very helpful responses and for your support.
rehprof wrote:

Only you and James can decide what behavior you will and won't put up with. I assume you have drawn these boundaries with Ron before? Does he know his behavior is disturbing you and James? If you have NOT communicated previously with him about this...that may factor into your decision about letting him stay.

Unfortunately (because James and I are not assertive people by nature) we have not been clear and forthright about this issue. There has been no "Ron, we have a serious problem with your drinking and it's affecting us in this way...". It has only been "Ron, we don't appreciate that you sleep on the couch all day and leave the TV on. Can you please sleep in your room?" And the occasional "How is your job search going?" Still, we are both in agreement that the situation will not work for us.

That said, you have no responsibility for the care and feeding of Ron...and 3 weeks is plenty of time for him to find a place or places to couch surf.

I feel the same, and when I discussed this with my parents (who are practicing psychologists) they agreed with the assessment that nothing would change in 2 or 3 months. He needs a level of help that we can't provide, and he won't be able to get his life in order (sobriety, job, own place) until he gets this help. If the time was 2-3 months, Ron would stay until the last day of month 3, so it doesn't really matter if it's 3 weeks or 3 months.
pinkchip wrote:

Sounds like it is not your house and therefore, not your decision to make. It is James's decision. You can tell him your concerns but ultimately, it is his choice. ... I would be careful not to speak for James and not to try and be his backbone. He needs to grow his own backbone and forcing the issue could cost you a friend.

You are certainly right on both points. I know James very well, and he is a timid person who avoids confrontation at all costs and tries to keep everyone happy. That is why I want to try to push a little (or a lot--trying to walk the line here is a hard thing). James and I are so close that I am not worried that pushing too hard will cost me James's friendship. But I think that such a short timeframe would alienate Ron from both of us. I know James does not want to lose Ron as a friend, but I anticipate that no matter what, this will cause a divide between us.

I should have mentioned earlier that this is not the first time that Ron and James have lived together and that James has had to ask Ron to move out! Kind of an important point!  
tiredtonite wrote:

Although I understand your discomfort with Ron's behavior, the house doesn't belong to you.  It belongs to James.  In my humble opinion, the decision is his to make.

Hp has a way of taking care of things.  Congratulations on your new job!  TT

 

You are so right! I need to have faith that everything will unfold in its due way and time. And thanks for the congratulations!

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Debilyn


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Being an X landlord, I hated being one...I always use our landlord tenant laws in oregon.

I don't see where you are living, but you can put in the seach box:

your home Landlord tenant law.

My friend in Nanaimo ca was having trouble so I looked that up and she got the laws.

It helps to use your laws as that is business not personal. Usually legally you have to give a 30 day eviction notice.

We have a no cause one, that a landlord does not have to have a reason.

anyway I find it best to keep it the business part of the relationship. I even would say ok this is the landlord part of me now.

We do not do anyone any favors by "putting up" with them, and getting in the way of their progress. People need to get out there and figure it out to cont on a good jouney! A or not. there are shelters, thru AA there is lots of help to a genuine person.

Its not our responsibility to give them a place to live or feed them. We take care of our selves so why is it we think we have the right to get into their stuff? He may know of somewhere to go that you know nothing of.

I believe in leaving peoples paths in their own hands.

Your career sounds fantastic, you are wise to get your life together to be able to give to it 100%.

It is up to you to decide with your landlord who is your friend.

Hugs hugs, love debilyn



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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Can I ask my alcoholic unemployed roommate to leave within 3 weeks?