Help! Confused about how to be around her... - Al-Anon Family Group

Peace33 · Member

Help! Confused about how to be around her...

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Peace,

I really go with the 3 C's in these kinds of situations .. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I won't cure it. Worrying about what others think about me or anything else really is none of my business. It's not my issue to take on. I only have to take care of my own side of the street and give others to my HP and ask He keeps them safe. I don't know HP's plan for anyone else I can't hardly tell what His is for me .. trying to figure out others I'm really going to be up a creek without a paddle.

Detaching with love takes a lot of time, patience and practice.

She's going to drink or not drink the question really becomes what are you going to do? That answer for me is keep the focus on me, get to a meeting and read, read, read.

Hugs P :)

It does get better, if nothing ever changes nothing is going to change.

Peace33 · Member

Thanks, Pushka...she's not an alcoholic, but she does have an addictive personality, among other things. She keeps getting & staying involved w/ abusive alcoholics. There's one in particular, that she's having an extremely difficult time letting go of. No matter how bad he treats her over & over, or how bad this hurts her family (especially her son), she keeps going back. She just went thru a divorce w/ one & is still having issues w/ him b/c they have a son together & he lives to make her (and in turn ,our) life hell, just for fun. We've been thru so much w/ our own father & for her to allow the cycle to continue is unbearable. It's so hard for me to detatch b/c of her son's involvement. If my Mom & I are not involved, she'll completely fall apart & if that happens, she puts her custody rights in jeopardy. If she loses custody, my nephew goes to his abusive father & I can't handle the thought of that. Nor can my Mom. It's so complicated...and WAY too stressful!!!

I totally get the detaching w/ love, thing...just not when a child's involved. I know it's, ultimately, out of my hands. But, I don't know what to do w/ that. I'm still working on it...

Thanks so much for your advice. I'm doing my best to let it all in :)

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like you have expectations.... expectations that you actually can "help" her... expectations that she should care about your feelings....

Don't know how far along you are in the steps, but for me, they were the necessary spiritual guidance I needed to deal with alcoholism. Without the steps, the insanity was too much for me to handle on my own.

If your sister is alcoholic, she is beyond human aid. Surrender to that. As pushka noted with the 3 C's, you cannot control it or cure it. Surrender.

When I have to be around alcoholics in my life, I go with no expectations and I don't visit long. I practice love and tolerance to the best of my ability because they are very sick... and I keep the slogan "live and let live" in mind. Give them the dignity to live their life as they choose. We're all on separate journeys, it's my responsibility to not get enmeshed with anyone, stay on mine.

You have tried to take care of your sister. Who's been taking care of YOU?

Time to be there for yourself ((my friend)) Best way for me to care for myself was going to meetings and learning all I could about the disease of alcoholism, I had been living in it since birth. Their disease triggers mine... so it's necessary for me to keep my bottom parked in the middle of the recovery. If I don't, life becomes unmanageable.

Peace33 · Member

Thanks, glad lee...I realize that I can't help her. (She has many issues & behaves like an addict, but not to alcohol...I explained it in my reply to Pushka). I've been detaching myself as much as I can, at this point. I know I have to work on letting go of what I can't control. I love the serenity prayer & I work at trying to live it everyday. My primary hold-up is worrying about my nephew. I know I can't control his future...but, what I said before is still true. Without my Mom & I being involved, he has no one looking out for his well-being. My sis is not capable right now. If she completely loses it, she could lose custody & my nephew would most likely go to his abusive father. Am I supposed to sit back and watch that happen? How do I live w/ myself? Even if it's not my fault. I know us picking up the pieces for her, all of the time, doesn't help her (or us). But, what about him? He doesn't have the freedom to detach & move somewhere else.

I know you're all trying to help & I appreciate it very much. I'm new to the program & haven't gone to any meetings yet (except for 1, a few yrs ago), but have been seeking help elsewhere for many yrs already. I keep ending up w/ the same problem...how to let go & detach from worrying about my nephew. He is the only reason why I haven't completely detached from my sister. I love her, but know I can't help her & being around her makes ME worse. I just can't turn away from HIM.

I know I'm new to this program & haven't read the whole book, yet. But, if we're relying on a HP here, doesn't that HP teach us to love & sacrifice to help those in need? Especially those who can't fight for themself - like children. I just can't let that part go...sorry! Even my Mom's psychologist tells her to keep being there for my nephew. I'm doing my best to take care of myself, worry about what I need & give it all up to our HP. I am trying to let go of what I can't control about this situation. I'm trying to mentally & emotionally prepare myself for if we do lose my nephew. If preparing for it is at all possible. All I am in control of is being there for my nephew when needed...while I work on my own life. I feel like I can't emotionally prepare myself for anything beyond that, at this point.

Does anyone understand what I mean about not feeling able to detach because of the child(ren) involved? I don't mean spouses, that's different because (although painful) you have the power to leave the AH. My Mom & I don't have the power (or $ for legal fees) to take my nephew from both of his parents. He needs his Mom to continue getting help so that he has at least 1 parent looking out for him. (His father is WAY worse & has severe psychological/anger management probs.) He doesn't have that right now, so he needs us. (My Mom, mainly.) We don't deserve this burden, but how do we turn our back on it? Ugh.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Peace, I'm so glad you're here.

My heart goes out to the children caught in these situations above all. The research shows that a key difference between children in terrible situations who "make it" and show resilience, and those who don't, is a support person. I don't mean a professional, but a steady, loving supportive person who's in their corner. It's often a relative, but sometimes a teacher or pastor or someone like that. I know that several people like that were absolutely essential to my childhood.

It strikes me that one way you could support your nephew is to be that person for him -- listening, connecting, just hanging out with him sometimes, finding something that you two have in common (movies? fast food? music?). I don't know how old your nephew is -- is he old enough for Alateen?

Even you modelling recovery and being an example of what a healthy life looks like could be really valuable for your nephew.

I wonder if a social worker or counselor could suggest other ways for you to support the situation without having unrealistic expectations about your sister's recovery. Obviously it's hard to say more without knowing more details.

Bless you for being concerned for him. I hope you can get lots of support too. Nobody should have to go through this without support. Hugs.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What makes you believe you are helping her? Sounds to me like you are just pushing her on the merry go round. it winds down and you push it again. She is not getting anywhere and you guys are helping her go nowhere.

We learn about addiction, we find we have to back off and allow the A to fall.

It is horrible there is a child involved.It is horrible his father is a dud. But mom sure is not any better bringing home abusive men either.

How old is this child?

What is happening in this situation is NOT working. With out realizing it, this "help" is stopping a natural progression of her hitting bottom on her own and picking herself up. She has to do that. When we step in like this we are being sucked dry and the disease is loving it.

As far as the child, when she is really messing up, I would work on having him over at my place more and more. Let her do her thing with out your help. You just clean her up enough to start again.

What makes you think the dad would get the child anyway. We do not know what the future would bring. Plus would he fight to get him? Does he have visitation, does he pay child support, have a job, a good place to live.

Myself I take things as they come. I don't worry about the what ifs over that which I cannot control.

When we make the obstacle worse, clearly we need to step away.

we can only do so much. Is sis amiable enough to allow you to foster this child? Or does she get welfare only if she has him? many of these parents, this is why they keep the kid.

I invite you to get to Al Anon meetings. Addiction is addiction. She does not have an addictive personality, she is an addict.

Or maybe she has bad self esteem issues. But only she can change that if and when she is ready.

Have you ever used the word,no. "I am sure sis, this time you can figure it out for yourself. no more rescues from me.

It does not help the child for it to be like it is either.

I hope this gives you some different thoughts. To me it sounds like you want out of this pushing the merry go round but not sure how to do it. We learn to just stop. We learn we are causing much more damage to the addict. Let her fall.

She has to fall enough to get to a point she does not want to anymore and gets help from professionals on her own. She needs her power turned off, or no phone or whatever it is you guys are doing.

We cannot allow the disease to make us sick too. Sounds like the child needs to be away from both of them.

I am so glad you are hanging in there and keep coming. It is a hard horrible situation.

And just becuz she is blood, you don't have to do her hair. there is a great word, no.

Look what the disease has done to you, you don't know how to act??? What is she the queen? Just be you good or bad. walk on those eggshells. To me she sounds like a master of manipulation.

You and mom are nice people, doing what we would do for someone who really appreciates and needs it. She needs the opposite.

Sending hugs and am sooooo glad and proud of you for questioning all this stuff! debilyn

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