My fiance drinks too much - Al-Anon Family Group

AusRat · Newbie

My fiance drinks too much

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome AusRat,

I highly recommend the book (granted you aren't married yet) The Delimna of an Alcoholic Marriage. It is something that really spoke to me as far as when to communicate and how to communicate it's not just about communicating with an addict it can be applied to other areas as well. I'm working on the book Getting Them Sober, don't know why that one has been harder for me to take the time to read. It's also a good read as many other people can say.

It's great that you have found alanon. I hope that you will find a sponsor sooner than later, it's really helped me jump through some hurdles I've been avoiding. Anyway, welcome and I hope you stick around.

Here's the reality, .. she's going to drink or not drink the question becomes what are you going to do? I have found putting the focus on myself with the help of therapy as well as a sponsor has brought to light many things I haven't dealt with. I am powerless over people, places, things and the past (that one is just for me to remind myself of putting things into perspective). I can't control the weather anymore than someone else's behavior.

Hugs P :)

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi and welcome to these boards. I also recommend the book "Getting Them Sober" which addresses issues like this. It does suggest confronting someone - but they need to be sober while you do it (that's a big condition which I totally agree with). I would say you can bring it up, so long as it is done calmly and not repetitively. It is very easy for alcoholics to accuse others of nagging them. There is a time and place for these conversations; you can often sense when/if someone will be more receptive to hearing this. However it is within reason to talk about an issue of this gravity with someone you are intending to spend your life with.

Now, the important thing to remember is that it may not matter. They say expectations are predetermined resentments and that's true, I find. Many if not most alocholics continue to drink regardless and the frustration of it all is it can turn into an exercise in futility. This is where Alanon comes into play; at the end of the day they either will or won't drink and all you can do is look out for yourself.

Sending you support!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha AusRat...In the meetings you've been going thru I'll bet that you have already heard the slogan...Keep it Simple which for me meant...just go to my meetings and and listen, learn and then practice what others were doing that was working for them. I was accepting that I was truely powerless over the alcohol, alcoholic (my wife) and alcoholism and that I would never ever have power over it...so I learned to get out of her face because when I got in her face she got defensive which meant that she went the "other" way...toward the drinking and using (mine was also an addict). So I'll suggest take your complaint or vent or feeling into the meeting and lay it on the table and allow the fellowship to wiggle thru it and ask them for feedback too. Ask them how "they" do it (their experiences and copy down some stuff that is different than how you do it and some others so that you have a list of alternatives to put in your tool box. That is what I did and what worked for me.

Under very similar circumstances I also had the "talk" with my alcoholic/addict and voiced my thoughts and ideas and expectations and guess what...mine did the very same thing that you did. Go figure!! this disease is sooooo predictable.

Keep coming back and glad to see you in the board. There are some pretty powerful members here with awesome recovery.

(((hugs))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is, their using or not is none of my business. Nada.

I either accept them as is,learning tools from Al anon to cont to be their friend, wife whatever.

Or I cont on the same way and be miserable

or I end the relationship.

For me this is the only way that works. I don't want anyone trying to change me either. I am an adult and make my own decisions.

As far as boundaries, asking them not to drink is really not going to be one.

What might be a boundary is, please do not lose your keys when you go out. if they do, the consequence might be, he or she is locked out as you are no longer going to be woke up by them coming in at all hours, leaving the doors unlocked.

I use a cpap machine and have a fan going. so I don't hear much.

We make boundaries to keep us safe, for things that we truly choose not to live with.

Letting you know if cloths are left all over the living room, they are going into the garbage. Always have a consequence.

then if they break them and have the consequence I would say ya I sure would not have made that choice. but it is afterall your choice.

She is an Addict, she is sick with an incurable disease. We cannot make them do anything all we can do is work on us so we can be happy.

Addiction only gets worse, never better. They may go into recovery for awhile, maybe a long while. But if and when they relapse they go right back where they were and grow worse.

I loved my AH all my life from 17 up to about 53. I gleaned all I could from him until he became too dangerous to be around and was not him at all anymore.

If I knew what Addiction truly was I would never have married him. Love does not help addiction at all.

I loved him so deep deep inside me. Didn't matter.

Am soooo glad you are here. there is hope to help you be able to continue to be with her even if she is not in recovery.

hugs,debilyn

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

You did not cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.

Nothing you say or do is going to change whether she drinks or not.

Let HER deal with the consequences of her behavior...if she passes out at the barbecue...or anywhere...don't go pick her up ..let her figure out how to get home...

This is the HARDEST thing ever...because then we go into well "what if she gets hurt? what if this? what if that?" because we love them....this is where we have to trust HP to care for them.

that is where letting go, detaching comes in...the worry does nothing but make US sick and crazy....and while we are nuts with worry our As are blissfully blitzed. That's where the resentment used to build for me.

Where it used to get confusing for me is when my As behavior affected me directly....emptying our checking account, crazy buying sprees, driving drunk with my children...for me...these were the things I had to set strict boundaries on...not ulitmatums about drinking.. for example, I separated our finances, I never let him drive the kids if I suspected he had been drinking...etc.

We each have to decide what we will and won't put up with, but I get lots of good guidance on these boards.

Keep coming back....

AusRat · Newbie

Thank you all for putting the thought and time into these replies. I wish I had of read them earlier today before I had another argument with her. Letting go is so so so hard. I almost feel incapable of it. It's like my responses are automated or not by my own hand. Anyway thanks for the advice I have heard loud and clear I need to find ways to accept and let go.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Aus,

I don't know how much alanon lit you have however if you have One Day At a Time in Alanon (the blue book), or Courage to Change, I really recommend going to the back index looking up how are you feeling and finding everything about detachment and letting go and just plug into those things. I don't know why it is that for me I feel so much better when I do those kinds of things because those readings help put my mind at ease and the readings just make sense.

It does get better, hugs P :)

Yllek · Member

Hi AusRat

Having someone here that is so new to the program makes me realize how far I have come. I am so grateful that I had an addict in my life because I found the doors of Alanon. You are in the right place, keep coming back, and one day you will be able to say with gratitude that you are blessed to be in Alanon!

My sponsor used to ask me "whats the pay off" you must be getting something out of it if you keep accepting/forgiving bad behaviour?

Figure out what "your pay off is" and then work on why you need that in your life?

How Alanon Works - is the book I always recommend to new comers, it got me started on my journey of acknowledging, accepting and actioning the changes I needed to make in my life.

Remember YOU deserve the best, you are a child of God and he doesn't make junk!

Keep coming back!
Blessings
Yllek

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.