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I've been lurking here for some time, but this is my first post. There is quite a lot of wisdom here, and I'm in need of a reality check. My addict husband has been clean for a year now. A lot of progress has been made. But lately he has been doing little things that bring up an incredible amount of rage in me, that is disproportional to his act. I know the rage is coming from bad things that happened in the past.
For example: my friend gave me a winter coat because I didn't have one. He took it for himself without asking me because he liked it. Now if he had asked, I might have given it to him and gotten another one, but he didn't ask or even tell me. I ended up with no winter coat on a snowy day.
My son does school at home through a virtual academy. The school sent a computer and printer to us for him to use. My husbands printer for his computer had quit working so he took the new one intended for my son. No negotiation, just I need it so it's mine.
I bought 3 new lamps. 2 for kids rooms because they have not had lights in their rooms for 3 months (we moved). I brought them home and he took one for his office after I told him they were for the kids and the living room. We had a big fight over this.
We have one car and he takes it and brings it back with the gas empty light on ALL.THE.TIME.
All of these and more, but you get the idea and I'm not trying to complain about him. I'm trying to understand the behavior so that I can adjust my thought process and not get insanely angry about these things. Each example is a little thing that should be simple to work out, but that's not what's happening. The way it goes is that he does these things, I get really angry, then he avoids me because I'm angry. By the time he's done avoiding me, some other issue has happened and the original thing never gets dealt with. Then he feels all mighy because I'm the crazy one, I'm going off about a lamp, a printer, a coat, etc. And then he feels the need to lecture me about my behavior. And it does look that way if you look at each individual incident. But if you look at all of them together, there is a pattern.
I realize that these are all examples of a similar issue: taking but not giving maybe? Not respecting the property/space/needs of others? What exactly is it? Analyzing it I think will help me calm down and not put so much energy on his behavior. I have much better things to do with my time. I stay home with 4 children.
Thank you for reading. I do go to meetings but I don't yet have a sponsor.
Hi and welcome to MIP. I can relate to your share. It sounds like an A being an A, I am wondering if he is working a program or just staying dry? It sounds liek the latter. My exAH definitely had an entitlement issue like this with my stuff and sometimes the kids, but mostly mine. I would usually just let it go, because all he would do is bait me and we would fight about it and it would scare my kids and make me look crazy. I learned after we seperated to say what I mean, mean what I say, but to not say it mean. I now do this with people when I have cooled down over something and I say it only once and let it go. This Al-anon program has helped me to find peace and serenity, which has been a God send for me. I hope you are able to find a sponsor soon. I am glad you posted here. Sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 13th of January 2012 01:22:14 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Yep, I can relate too. I used to have to hide our younger daughter's piggy bank for the same reasons .. It reminds me of the readings in the alanon books that say many are surprised when sobriety doesn't bring the happier ever after .. Problems remain .. this is for the reason of the lack of real recovery .. It's one thing to be sober; it's another to find recovery and another even to work it. The only thing I can work to change is me and my perception .. I also know the past is done we can't change it but the good thing is with recovery for ourselves we can change the way we look at it .. our perceptions .. Alcoholism and addiction are a disease .. there's a reading in the beginning of this site that talks about if the alcoholic/addict knows how crazy their behavior is or what it's doing to their families . it's insanity .. why don't they just change it .. insanity being the key word and answering our own questions .. it's insanity as in unclear thinking .. the disease Never gives; it only takes .. Addicts do what addicts do because that's what addicts do and not because of anything we do .. Sponsors make all the difference .. keep searching and if there's one you feel a desire to ask just ask .. it will really help ..
Thank you for responding. Breakingfree - that's exactly what it is! He's baiting me. It's the old let's fight, so I can justify going out and doing whatever because my wife is a b****. That is the label I have been looking for. I felt very petty writing those examples because from where we have come, they are such small things. Yet still, they bother me so much and I knew people who have been here before would understand.
MeTwo2 - Even a year clean, I still don't let my kids keep cash in the house and I don't either. Thanks for writing that. Sometimes I really think I'm crazy. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one. He does have a huge entitlement problem. Like everyone should hand him the world on a silver platter, yet he has no responsibility to give anyone anything. I've learned how to cope with that one, I guess. I make sure the kids have everything they need, in spite of him. Entitlement. Putting a name to it will help me calm down in the heat of things. I keep expecting too much. Like he *should* be doing x, y and z for his family. I've got to stop shoulding myself.
