Divorce is one of the hardest things I ever went through especially with 2 kids, 3 and 13, both his. But now I am thankful I faced my fears and did what I knew needed done. I left and rented a cute little place while the divorce was happening and stood up to my exAH when I had to. It all worked out fine. I used to feel guilty for leaving him, but my 13 year old blooming this whole last year more than ever is worth it and I am no longer miserable. I have grown a lot with Al-anon and am better off alone I did have to get assistance for awhile. You will know when and if its the right decision. I am sending you love and support.

(((Lotus)))
So sorry you are going through this. They ARE masterful manipulators, aren't they?

One of the most helpful things that I did when I first started al-anon was to make very detailed 'escape plan'. I made one for short term- those times when I just couldn't take any more and had to get away for a few days. And I also made one for long term, in my case, that meant a divorce. It helped me in two.ways. One, I felt that I had some measure of control in a situation where it had always seemed that my AH was the one who controlled everything. It also helped me not to make a rash move in the middle of a stressful situation. Over the years, I've used my short-term plan on several occasions. Last fall, I had the occasion to bring out the long-term plan. My AH said he no longer had a drinking problem, I said that was fine, but that I still had a problem with it and wouldn't live with him if he weren't actively trying to quit. He refused and said he thought the only answer was divorce. I agreed and began going through the steps on my list. He was soon back-peddling and agreeing to quit drinking and receiving outside help to do it. He has since told me that, until that moment, he never really believed I would divorce him. Since this isnt the first time I've brought it up, I asked him what was different about this time. He said it was because I was so calm, not angry, not blaming, and because it wa very obvious that I had it well thought out. For me, the real difference was that I had set my boundaries, had a plan for whatever things went, and fully intended to stand by it. If I hadn't worked it all out before we talked, I know I would have been angry, crying, and, probably feeling guilty for SOMEthing before it was over.
The question is often asked on this site, "He's going to drink, what are YOU going to do?". I think we each have to answer that for ourselves, but this is one of the ways I found helpful in coping with his outrageous behavior.
As for making me feel as if everything was my fault, yep, I lived with that for years. The A's are SO good at that. Of course, most of them never make a decision, either, so how can they be to blame for anything? The tools of al-anon have made that so much easier for me to deal with. Still have that anger, though. I'm hoping to leave that behind someday, too.

(((Lotus))), sending positive thoughts your way today and always.

Denise

sending support your way. I can't say anything that has not already been said. BUt I am ready to make an action plan for in case of emergencies as never going back described. That is necessary, I think.

I used to sit and write things down of what I was fearing.

What he might do here. What won't do there.

Then how that affects me and daughter.

NO you do not have to leave you are correct. I sure wouldn't. I remember one gal on here hung out until she got her own place figured out unbeknowest to him.

Am I safe is my child safe is huge.

Remember he is insane. If he is not on a strong healthy recovery program he is not in recovery. Its called white knuckling. Like clenching your teeth all the time.

Yes sadly the A can suck us dry. I can tell you the peace I felt was amazing when I did not have him to deal with at all was worth divorcing.

I saw you said afraid a lot. Is it that you are afraid of physical harm? Oh he will throw your stuff out the door? What is it you think he will do?

We cannot control that, but we must make sure we are safe.

I read Ann Rule, I tell ya its so important to keep our senses and trust our intuition. Be prepared. We are not mice sitting there shaking with a hungry cat looking at us. We are strong women and men who have the right to protect ourselves.

We  are stronger than anyone else at the point of protecting and surviving. I never did get how some people just take it as they figure they are too weak anyway. Believe me you are not.

Please keep us on top of how you are doing!!! I am sorry this is not working out, however no child deserves to have a father who berates his babies mother. That to me is totally not right at all.

hugs hugs,debilyn