Hello all,

I'm brand new to the board and don't know where to start with Al-Anon. I'm hoping someone can give me some guidance.

I'm a recent college graduate with divorced parents. I'm also an only child (son). My father has struggled with alcoholism for a long time, but managed to conceal it fairly well throughout my childhood. Since my parents divorce the drinking has grown and become more apparent. He is not agressive or violent when drunk, so it's very difficult to tell when he has been drinking. Two years ago he hit rock bottom and has told the family that he is sober. I visited him last year, and found that he was smoking pot. I was alarmed, but try not to be judgemental and figured it was none of my business.

Cut to this week. I've flown out to visit him for the month. He lives on the other side of the Country. I know no one in the area. I noticed a beer cup in his trash on my first day here. While we're at home he is constantly disappearing into the garage, or going on long unexplained errands without telling me. Sometimes I hear cans opening in the garage.  He never brings the cans into the house, and doesn't drink soda. During all this time he's gone I'm left alone. I can definitely tell he's been drinking, but cannot tell how much. Today he left at 8pm saying he was going to pick up milk. He did not return untill after 3 am, and left his phone off all night. I was both concerned for his safety, and upset that he was at a bar.

He is a kind, thoughtful guy, so this behavior is alarming. It hurts me that he would be so secretive, and that he would leave me alone for indeterminate lengths of time while he's getting drunk. We still get along very well, whether he's sober or drunk. Since we're so close this secrecy is especially upsetting.

I want to express my anger at his disregard for my feelings, but don't how to approach it. Though I am obviously upset by his drinking, and wish he would stop, I know I cannot make him change. I try to approach any touchy topic from a place of love, without judgement. I'm afraid that approaching the subject at all will put him on the defensive.

 Putting it in writing makes it sound crazy, but I'd like him to know that I won't judge him for drinking, and that I'd prefer if he did it openly. I obviously don't like his alcoholism, but would much rather spend my time with him than alone in his house. I hate having to pretend I don't know he's high or drunk, and hate watching him doing this elaborate act. Is this enabling?

Where should I start? Any advice is greatly appreciated! I'll be here for several more weeks, and I don't want to be tiptoeing around any longer.