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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Thoughts of now and then
Post Info TOPIC: Thoughts of now and then
Debilyn


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Thoughts of now and then
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahv_1IS7SiE&feature=player_embedded

Hope that worked?

I just don't know what makes my heart and brain bring up memories! I keep thinking about how when I was visiting the AH in prison and I said, we are still married, are we going to grow old together?

He says,"Well I thought that was what I was doing with J." (the woman of ill repuke.)

Once in court I looked over at them. He had his arm around her back pulling up her sweater around her neck . That hurt.

Does anyone have any ideas what makes one only remember the hurtful stuff? I honestly feel the man I married is dead. He was a wonderful guy, well when I remember things he did. But I "feel" NOTHING. I do not recall how he made me feel except when he was nuts after the brain surgery.

The pain, sobbing, heartbreak, broken, abandoned. I still can cry when something hits me I saw or he said.

Was it becuz it hurt me so deep, so badly in a place in my heart that was barely holding together as it was after losing my first husband to death?

I only remember and FEEL my first husband. Now his bs hurt me too. But I only feel the love, the fun, the companianship. Sharing our kids, walking, hiking, making love on the beach. Being kids together, riding horses. I feel it and it has been 31 years since he died.

I sure would appreciate your input here. I only have good memories and feelings for all my family. they all are passed cept my kids.

When I leave the cabin, which is not often, I cry driving away and back. Something always hits me. Today it was Grampa Ahart took me and my brothers to their cabin. We always went thru this teeny town and he got us a fudge cicle and sang, "When Johny comes marching home again, and I am Forever Blowing Bubbles..." then i remember when mother said no more going with grampa. sigh. He did drive really fast. lol

I was thinking how cool it was that grama and grampa loved having us kids around. Even when my dumb brother took some rotten water melon out of the compost and ate it and would not fess up. was not hard to figure out he did it.

I am going to be 59 soon. My head is so full of memories. To be honest my life feels disjointed and well how do i put it. It has no substance. Like my feet are not on the ground, I don't feel solid. I have no story right now. IN a nothing zone. Maybe I am going more nutcase than usual.

Think I need to stop these memories. Say stop and put in something else and train myself away from them. Maybe its the thought of how if someone loved me that much, treated me that well could just go away, that is horrible.

My son is mad at me for no reason again. sigh. He says he knows it is not my fault but he took it out on me. I don't get that.

I said when you yell at me it hurts me and makes me feel you don't love me> he says it does not have anything to do with loving me. OH right, how can you yell at someone and treat them bad like this when they told you how much it hurts and love them???

no I am not depressed. I think about when this animal family is gone from old age, I will be very ok if I am dying. I would not want anyone to be sorry for me. I know what is next is sooooo much better. To be honest I have had enough of this.

I keep thinking how this is how Grama felt. And she was a hundred and six.

so any ideas?

Oh and btw I am thinking of volunteering at a neat little museum here. There is a volunteer book store too! I am liking this little tiny town.

just need a pep talk and or friends and family. deb

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
John


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oh Deb.. how I can so relate! The void of life, the loss, the memories, the feeling that I've hit a flat line in my heart... then the pain let's me know... I'm still a live, and I wonder why.. what for, to do what? To go where?

And I remember... I am where my feet are at... 

I'm not in yesterday or tomorrow..

but right here, right now...

and in a moment, I will be there..

and in time... change will come 

and greet me..

because I stayed...

right here, 

where my feet are planted, 

no matter where else my head or heart went in this moment of time

If I stay where my feet are...

Things will be fine.

***

John



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" And what did we gain?  A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."

(Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions,Step 3. pg 21)

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Debilyn


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Oh I like this John very much.

I will say that to me. "Stay where your feet are planted."

Thank you!!!!! I am glad we are ok. Love you mr. debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Overcome


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It worked! Thanks for sharing that video Deb. I am going to be 50 soon, and am wondering some of the same things. What have I done with my life? Have I made a difference? Have I been a good mom? Good daughter? Good friend?

Where do I go from here? "Stay where my feet are planted." I like that one too John. Good advice, from a good friend. biggrin

 

Where do I go from here?

Onward and upward, forward I go. Not looking back, not looking to far forward, keeping my eyes fixed on the day. My Savior (HP) will lead me, and forever I go, to whimsical places that only He knows. Life is a Journey, that we all must take, but it's up to us how we perceive it and from what we do take.

Onward and upward, forward I go. The way is not always clear, but guided I go. Faith leads me onward to places unknown. Hope shows me where my story is known. Love keeps me going when all else fails and God keeps my soul with his nails.

 

Overcome



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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
hotrod


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Hi Deb

I do understand the pain of which you speak. The recalling of the painful incidents brought all the feelings along with the memory and although I thought I had forgiven the anger was also there.

The "Steps "work!!!!! I have cleared out the pain from the past, can now talk about all the hard times, the sadness,the despair, the terrible loss without FEELING the pain.

HP has lifted that from my heart. I can now just feel the sweet memories of my son and husband --However I am not in denial I remember the hard times as well but with a deep understanding and forgiveness

We are on the 4 th Step on the Step Work Board join us Sharing the pain lessens it!!



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Lindaoakford


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Feelings...... I really don't like them.
They are confusing, hurtful, uncontrollable, they just happen.

I am being taught that I have control over them in a positive way. I don't know why you only remember the bad parts of your time with your ex.

Have you thought of writing a memoir??? Your life sounds so amazing. I have heard that writing it out helps to process and work through some of the pain.

I would read it!!!!

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Linda - a work in progress
Debilyn


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Linda, amazing??? huh? Well it sure was and is never the same. Sure is not what I thought it would be. Not like any of my friends who have been married forever and doing the same jobs,living in the same homes,driving nice cars....happy, rarely have any obstacles.....

Well I am rich in experience. Thank you for what you said. I have been told and told to write books about the animal sanctuary. It has been a real hoot living with animals all my life. AND the neat and not so neat people I have met and had to spare with.

I liked how overcome  said she related and explained. I thought I was a good mom, sure did my best and it was my priority. But then what makes my kids so they can be so cold sometimes??? I blame me but in truth, it is they suffered so much loss too. you would think it would bring us closer. I think we are terribly close and it scares them becuz they know all too well they can lose me too.ya sure don't see me out there meeting anyone.

Being where my feet are planted is interesting. In truth I feel I am in the right physical place, yet it's not solid. So hard to explain. Like whole bread is so thick and full and rich and fills ya up. Then there is white bread with the huge spaces in it and it is like eating nothing.

betty is right, need to go back to my step work some. I am not sad though really, just not whole. I feel very close to our creator, very.

Went to the feed store. stupidly looked at the animals. A little rat was going nuts at me. He was someones pet. they others were business as usual. But this guy was seriously calling to me> i open the cage, he almost jumps on me! malnutrioned, tail had been broken, healed wrong. losing hair,no luster. white with brown path over left eye. Ears are way on the sides of his head. looks cockeyed. there was a crooked man who had a crooked house, had a crooked sixpence and  crooked little mouse...

love that song. lol Anyway....gads. He eats chicken hotdogs fruit vegies,loves pasta and cheese bagels. In a couple days is shiney, smells sooo much better. Hangs out on my shoulder under my fleece blanket. goes and looks around then comes back. Let me trim his nails.....those things are tiny!

lives in a big nice cage with a house, fleece blanket, with a heating disk under him.

Some animal lover on here will understand.

I think I shared I was trying to catch what I thought was my guinea pig with a trap. Had to get a tiny trap...like THAT is what i need to spend money on.... anyway well I caught a very healthy pretty shiney wild rat. geez. so I looked her over, healthy put her back under my front deck and left a bunch of food for her. NOW to me she is no lesser creature than any other. My friends said yuck and where is the don't like button....lol

How can one not be in wonder over ever creature and living thing on earth???? I mean the creator sure was interested when he made them!

Linda you are more serene. I feel it.  love,deb



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Breakingfree


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I like what Jerry said in a reply not too long ago. As soon as you wake up ask God what his will is for you this day. I loved it! Take care of you and yes I appreciate that you take care of all the critters, just don't forget about you. Volunteering always makes me feel great. Sending you love and support.

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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