The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm taking my inventory early tonight. I have lots of things that are swimming around inside my head. I started my new semester of school and it's made it easier to deal with the lack of "whatever" I'm looking for. I always want to put "love" there but really I do know I'm loved by my ABF. I know his addiction might have gotten in the way of it but I know he does in my heart. My head however shows me something else. So like most of you know, I stuggle with that.
I have the problem of controlling and having to know what's going on each moment etc. Even though he's working on his recovery and his doing quite well, I'm just starting to work on mine and it's extremely hard to let go of the things I used to control. Ok so we all know to Let Go & Let God! Well knowing what you need to do and doing it are 2 different things. I have a tough time with this.
Today my ABF and I talked via text several times and I felt goood....not great...but good. I felt a difference within, even though it may have been small. :) However in the evening we were talking right before he had to go to a meeting and I knew he planned on a shower etc. but I meant to ask one last question, so I did. A little over an hour later with no response (waiting the hour was HARD) I sent another message...20 mins later..no response...35 mins later I called. I HAD TO CALL!! (I know I could have just let it fester) I called and he answered and he said he was at a meeting, sounded like a meeting to me...he said he just didn't want to respond while he was walking by the bad part of the city on the way to the meeting. I felt better, even if it is a lie..I know theres nothing I can do about that part but I feel better just knowing he is ok. I'm trying soooo hard to let go, so hard to life and let live. I'm trying to remember Easy Does it and Don't trouble trouble, til trouble, troubles you..I'm trying to keep it simple nd Breathe and think. I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can and for today even though I know I can do better, I feel good about my day. He is understanding of my sickness too and urges me to find meetings and to work my program.
I just had to get my little slip up, out. I feel better knowing that it's normal and that I'm not going to figure it all out right away. Like he said to me "Progress, not perfection" I like that. Well thanks for reading, those that do!
A wise woman once said in a meeting "If you feel like you sucked today, maybe you did, so what... do better tomorrow" Not saying that you did anything wrong because every day is just one day and this stuff takes time. The fact that you are looking at yourself and going to meetings and seeing what is not helpful is HUGE, I mean really.. some people go their whole lives and never see it and its not their fault, I know what it is like to be blind to it all.. but think of how wonderful it is that you are finding this stuff now and you have an encouraging bf who is telling you to go to meetings.. wonderful. Love your posts, love to read your daily progress.. be gentle with your self and remember you are worth it and putting yourself down for tiny slips like calling him.. there is no need because its progress not perfection and youre doing great... it is wonderful that you are seeing what is helpful and not helpful.. excellent! love it.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
There is someone in the fellowship who's been phoning me recently. She is frantic and quite demanding in her need for comfort, she wants it now, now, NOW!! She claims to have been in the program for 20 years and thinks she'll try a sponsor now, apparently she never thought she needed one.
The program suggests sponsorship for a very good reason, and I think it's because a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind. My sponsor sees things in me I would NEVER have been able to see on my own.
My suggestion to you, is EASY DOES IT. You didn't get this way overnight and it won't disappear overnight either, not any long-standing recovery. I'm so glad you feel better, but I do hope you take the suggestion of attending f2f meetings and sponsorship. Build your recovery on a solid foundation so it has less chance of crumbling later.
I remember telling my first sponsor that I think I'm kinda smarter than the average bear, I'm kinda special. To which she replied,
"You are special sweetie. Special like the rest of us."
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 11th of January 2012 10:07:44 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Yeppers... We ALL have Slips, Thats whats Great About this program for Me is that When I Slip, I have Found the tools that Work best for me to Make my Amends to those in my Cross Fire, and get back to taking care of me...
Let Go & Let God .... Was One of the (3) Things I Used the Most when I got to Al-Anon Just 3 short years ago, It was No Were Near Easy because I just lost My Afather to the Disease 2 months before I joined & I was Witnessing My Younger Brother, Headed right for that Same Demise... Al-Anon Helped me Keep From Sufficating him and Myself from My Own Inner "Control" issues...
Today, My abrother is STILL An Alcoholic, but Our Relationship has taking on a Whole New Light, because I Chose to Take Care of ME! We Get Along Better Now then we Have in Many Many Years because I Have Realized it is No Longer My "Job" to Know his Were abouts, Know how much he Drinks, When & If ... I Just Pray that his HP will lead him to AA some Day, and I Send Healin Prayers his way Everyday... That is My JOB now for him, To Pray for His Happiness, Peace & Courage...
And YES... If You have availiable to you an Face to Face Meeting... Oh Hit the Ground Running... My Home Group along with MIP have Saved me From Myself & My Slips a MILLION times over, and the Growth that I Found & the Things I have Learned I Can Now Pass down to my Son, Instead of Him growing up in My Sickness Like I did that of the Alcoholics/Addicts in my life... I am Forever Grateful for such a Place to Fall...
Keep Coming Back, & Keep Taking Care of You! YOU Are What this Program & These Steps are For... As You Stated... He has His Own Program... And this one is For YOU :)
I'm taking my inventory early tonight. I have lots of things that are swimming around inside my head. I started my new semester of school and it's made it easier to deal with the lack of "whatever" I'm looking for. I always want to put "love" there but really I do know I'm loved by my ABF. I know his addiction might have gotten in the way of it but I know he does in my heart. My head however shows me something else. So like most of you know, I stuggle with that. 
