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While we were away in Cairns, a friend of my husbands (a couple who have since become friends of both of us) rang my phone and I asked my husband to answer to talk to her (them).
She said that her husbands daughter (previous relationship daughter) had been flown to our hospital in Darwin from Alice Springs (where they live) as she was in a bad car accident with resulting facial trauma, and her best friend in the car died in the accident.
Our friends were coming to darwin and they wanted to catch up with us.
Now.... these are the friends (as all of my husbands friends do) who smoke alot of pot and last time, left it in their car in our driveway for him to smoke when ever he wanted. Every time he is with these friends, he smokes pot alot also. The male and the female of the couple smoke and last time, I ended up going to bed and leaving them to it.
I am not overly keen to have these guys around even though I like both of them very much, they are nice people, I am just worried about the pot back around so easily.
Since we got back to Darwin, they have not called. My husband is of the understanding that they will call when they are here and are free to catch up.
Here is my dillema.
I know (from facebook) that these people are currently in Darwin and the daughter has been through surgery etc. My husband keeps saying he thinks he should ring his friend, and I keep saying "they said they would call you". I have not kept him up to date on what I am seeing on facebook for fear that he will ring them and they will come around etc.
I know this is control, but I am rationalising it as.... letting him do his own thing without my influence....
I am a master of emotional manipulation so I just need to know if I should keep saying nothing. I am not sure what to say when he says he should call his mate. I am taking solice in the fact that he has not instantly called to get hold of the pot, but I also feel a little guilty of not being there for these people in their time of need.
My take on it is that they are heavily involved with drugs and some bad choices, and it's okay not to be closer to them because, although they're in need, you also want some distance from their using and bad choices. If you're keeping your distance solely to keep your husband from smoking, that probably isn't fruitful. Because he's going to do what he's going to do. But if you're keeping your distance -- as well you might -- because you don't want to be sucked into the chaos and maelstrom of people who use compulsively, that's understandable.
Your husband is capable of contacting them without your needing to say this or that.
I think the question of how we handle addicts who have needs that are not related to their addictions is a difficult one. However, your serenity always comes first.
Linda- this is a hard one... In one way it is though you are detaching for your own serenity, which is good!! On the other hand like you said it is also a controling issue because you dont want to bring more around for him to use.. Which we both know there is no control over this.. It reminds me of somthing I read earlier about trying to make everything easier and "smooth" for the addict so they dont use.. We have learned over and over again that NOTHING we do can stop them.. So whats going to happen if they come and he does use??? Are you just remembering the last time they came when things were bad?? I remember you posting about this and I remember how angry you were feeling BUT that was then and now you have alot more tools to use.. Just because something was bad before does not mean it will replay itself... Addicts or not everyone goes threw these times in need.. If you were in there shoes would you want them to call??? Like I said this one is a hard one so thats the best I can give you from my opinion.. Take what you like
Thanks guys I guess there is a couple of reasons.. one is the feeling of deliberately putting my partner in the face of the drugs. It would be like when my Dad first got sober and we were a bit wary of having 'family gatherings' at a restaurant that served alcohol (bar and grill type thing), so it is a positive avoidance attitude.
I don't really want the smoking around my house so I think it may be ok not to invite it in.
If I were in Alice Springs, and in need, I would probably ring these people because they are the only ones in Alice that I do get along with out of his 'friends'. All his friends smoke and drink so it is the norm to expect that would happen.
Mattie, I do believe that yes he is capable of contacting them no matter what I say or do. He will also smoke no matter what I say or do.
I feel very selfish as usually I would be the one pushing him to contact people (eg his kids) and giving him updates on what is happening etc (via facebook).... I would be doing this if I thought the smoking would not be an issue but I know it would be......
I guess I feel guilty because these friends may very well say, well why didn't Linda ring???? She woudl ahve seen the facebook updates???
I may have to employ, what other people think of me is none of my business.
Yes I do believe it is a control that I am trying to establish. Keep them away from my home, my reality, and I do not have to be around people again or interact with others or put up with stuff that I can't control. It is part of isolating myself in order to feel in control.
Kristen, what woudl happen if he smoked? He woudl be stoned, thats the end of it. I would remove myself again and not be part of it. I would feel 'left out' etc.
NOthing bad woudl happen. The sky wouldn't fall down. I did see on facebook they are going to find out when they can go home soon.
I think I will employ the fact that he is an adult, they really are his friends, what they think of me is none of my business, if my husband wants to call friends that is his choice, if he is incorrect that he thinks they are not in Darwin.... maybe he could take the responsibility to call himself and find out.
For some reason though... I don't feel right about keeping the information to myself. I feel its bad karma for some reason. I am not sure if this is people pleasing behaviours, or if it is a good or a bad thing. Is it progress for me or is it backwards stepping to being royal self rightous nasty girl.
You don't have to create a crisis where there is none meaning .. why stir the pot. I've taken the attitude that if it's not on my side of the street I don't have to worry about it.
If you had said you would let him know and you weren't telling him then I think that's a little different. He IS a grown man and unless his fingers are broken he can dial a phone, operate a computer. I would think if the friends kid is in the hospital and had a horrific car accident (that is terrible by the way), they aren't looking to go and get loaded or maybe they are either way .. it seems to me like they would be to preoccupied to be out partying in any way. That's me and I'm not an addict so I could have that all backwards.
It's on your spouse, and HIS friends to figure out how and when to get together. I say let sleeping dogs lay.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks. I agree with what you are saying about my husband.. no his fingers are not broken... and no I didn't say that I would keep him up to date or do anything at all.. thanks for that.. it helps.
As far as the drug use, its not a matter of partying. These people smoke every day all day. It is part of life. Its first thing in the morning, morning tea time, lunch time, after work and after dinner and before bed.
When they go overseas (Bali) on a holiday, their parting words to us on the way to airport was to have a smoke so they didn't start withdrawal too early and totally ruin the first day of holidays.
So you see, there will be smoke no matter what. In fact it would probably be more smoking to 'deal with the anxiety' of the daughters accident.
I like what you had to say and I will remember it.
I imagine Linda that as they would be under stress they will be smoking more than ever.
You say:
"Our friends were coming to Darwin and they wanted to catch up with us.
Since we got back to Darwin, they have not called. My husband is of the understanding that they will call when they are here and are free to catch up."
I assume he can send them a text message or make contact if he chooses.
It is sad situation but my understanding is that they really are his friends.
You can choose to do what you feel comfortable with, it will not make a scrap of difference to the well being of their daughter....it probably is a waiting time as to her condition.
As you know them so well you can assume the drug taking will come into this....their crisis.
Accept what you cannot change, courage....and wisdom.
Then once a decision is made by you....choose not to feel any guilt.
I am VERY familiar with the anxiety surrounding, in my AH's case, friends who drink. I have had to work very hard to not try to control my husband in this regard. I found it VERY helpful to block his drinking friends' post on facebook. I realized, though I had stopped monitering my husband's drinking as much, I was still monitering his friends' drinking and whereabouts on facebook! It took a leap of faith and the willingness to let go of more "control", but I have found it to be such a relief to not have to deal with their energy, even if just for a moment on the computer. Sending you support. The fact that you're even questioning your motives speaks volumes to your awareness and recovery. hugs.
I've learned in this program that other people's relationships are none of my business and that I'm stepping into manipulation territory if I start making suggestions or dropping hints that would influence an action between two people.
For me, it's best I stay out of it because otherwise it drops me into sick behavior and I truly don't feel good about myself for sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. And YES, that even means poking my nose into the business of a loved one.
Thanks guys I have decided to let it go and not say anything unless he asks, then I will not lie, I will tell him what I know from facebook. As you have said, they are primarily his friends, he can chase it up, which I imagine he will this weekend as he is not working. If and when he does, I will make sure I have other things to do in the instance of them smoking.
Thanks TooHard, the serenity prayer will be in my mind when this all comes about. I can't change this, I can change what I will do.
Yes I understand I am trying to manipulate things to go my way, when in reality, there is NO 'MY WAY' is there.
The universe will do what it has to do to teach me what I need to know.
A young person is dead, another badly injured, a young girl with facial trauma who's parents may or may not be stoned throughout to help them cope.
Im sad for the daughter. I'm sad for the bereaved parents.
Addiction blinds us from reality.....disables us.....hinders us from showing compassion because we are fearful of the monster being awakened......this is the mess of the disease.
