My AH looked very tired this morning and his eyes were glazed over, however, he was up at 6 am doing the dishes.  Yesterday I looked at the sink full of dishes and I thought "I did these yesterday."  So I said to my husband... "Can it be your turn to do the dishes, I don't care when you do them but I prefer not to this time."  I said what I needed to say but I did not say it mean and I only said it once.  So this morning I woke up to him humming and shaking his bum at the sink with his music playing... doing all the dishes.  He looked so happy. 

But his eyes looked weird and he appeared quite tired (this is how he appears when he's using.)  I thought about saying something but instead I said "God, I don't know whether he is using or not and it makes no difference if I know or not, but I know you know.. so please just be with him and take good care of him because I know you know best."  I let it go and I did not ask him.  I dropped him off at outpatient (he goes three times per week.)  I sipped my coffee and listened to my music (Givers is my new cd right now) and I drove to work.  I got a text from my husband an hour later that read "I'm so excited because in outpatient they are doing drug tests today.  I know you don't ask me anymore but its a relief for me to prove to others that I am not a shit bag."  haha his exact words, pardon the french. So I guess the point I am making is I am assuming then that he is clean because he was happy about the test and I know they mail them to the house so he knows I will see the results.  Its almost like the more I let go the more things work.  Yesterday in a meeting they had talked briefly about how attending al-anon seems to actually help the alcoholic and I responded to that. I would like to share with you guys, my MIP family, what I said. 

When I first started in al-anon which was just under six months ago.. I came for just that reason. I had heard that if I got help it could help my husband.  I wanted him to get sober and clean so I decided to try it out.  Well, it did not seem to help him at all at first.  Then something awful happened and I was able to fully take steps one, two, and three. I did not even know if my husband would be in my life anymore and that is when I started going to al-anon FOR ME!   I had learned things before but it all hit me at a gut level when I realized this program could really help me.  So I focused on my program and I called my sponsor more and I started working the steps and what I discovered is that I really needed this.  HP works in mysterious ways, he does, and he used some rather disturbing tactics to get me here.. but I am here, none the less. What I have realized is that that statement is true.  My getting help for me has helped my husband a great deal because it has put all the worry and problems and responsiblities onto him.  He has to take care of himself now because I am too busy taking care of me and so is his Mom, she attends al-anon too. Its beautiful and it works.. but i really had to do it for myself and I could not do that until I absolutely felt as if I could handle anything.. I could handle divorce if I had to, death if I had to.. He does not give me more than I can handle, that is true.. and I can handle alot.. because I have a relationship with my HP now.

I am so proud of myself once again. I am so happy for what I have learned.  It is nothing short of a miracle; my story. It is a true miracle how far I have dug into my being and soul and every day I am learning more and more. It is a miracle that I wake up and feel whole, that I can smile at just a bird flying in the sky.  That to me, life makes sense.  That I don't fear death any longer.  That I feel I have a purpose.  That I love myself.  It is a miracle that my husband has found his spirit and believes that God loves him and is not ashamed of his past any more and is ready to live for the day.  These are all miracles and I guess they are not as amazing when you hear them rather than when you feel them. I feel like a new person and it is truly amazing. I am so blessed and its because of Al-Anon and all of you wonderful people. I absolutely love you all. Thank you.