The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been keeping you all up to date with my psych appointments. I am not too sure what happened this time around honestly. I do not have any homework to do this time.
From the last appointment I have been keeping an eye on blocking feelings and triggers etc. I have identified anger as my default emotion which is common she says.
I also have confusion as a common theme. I get confused when people do things I don't understand. Then I get angry. Anyway, we discussed a couple of things that happened since my last appointment, nothing in too much depth I guess.
I addressed a deep seated fear of drowning that I have and I found myself in a petrified state on a boat on my holiday recently in extreme weather conditions. She asked if I felt vulnerable or exposed and I didn't really understand what she meant. I told her I felt embarassed to be soooo emotional and so very very frightened. I felt like a little child in a haunted house. I was a bit ashamed to be so frightened. I feel like a bit of a fool.
I told her that later when I was talking to friends who know I have a phobia about water, that I made it into a joke so they would laugh at me and not feel sorry for me. AGain we discussed my dislike of sympathy. It makes me feel weak. I would rather make it a joke instead of really show how I felt.
She said that was a blocking or coping mechanism for me. Make it light hearted This keeps people at a distance and no one gets close enough to try to make me feel better. Its always .. "Ahh Linda is ok, she is cool with it, don't worry about it..." When in reality, Linda isn't really.
Linda wants to keep the strong facade and not have any girlysofty sympathy stuff hanging around. She tried to get me to understand why that is. Why do I not want people to be sympathetic and to really get to know me and what I am like. To be close to me.
I really honestly don' t know. I just keep having the word.. weak...
Now having said that, as a counsellor and a Nurse, I do not see other people as weak when they are vulnerable. Its like, its ok and even good for other people to do this stuff.. but not me..
I also like to keep all people at arms length. I am wary of everyone and trust no one. I even question why friends woudl want to spend time with me.
Anyway.. I guess there were more questions than discoveries this time around. She said next time, we will go through an exposure to a childhood incident. I have to pick one. I chose to discuss the day they took my Dad to rehab. I think that is the day I was advised that I do NOT cry for THAT man.
Crying was never a good thing. Being strong was very important. Every time I showed weakness, someone didn't like me for it. I did cry alot as a child I think. I used to cry but noone really paid attention to it. I remember crying alot when I didn't want to go to callestenics practice, but I was still made to go. Don't put the tears on now, would be the comment made. I am in no way saying that was abusive.. its just life as a child...
I wonder if that has anything to do with anything????
So anyway.. thats my latest from the psychologist.
I see sooo much of me in this post.. Linda of course your childhood has everything to do with how you are now.. You were being TAUGHT to hold in your emotions an if you didnt that was a sign that you were weak.. Or maybe just in a childs little mind as you were, it only made you feel weak.. I was taught the same thing... Dont show your emotions and appear strong at all times... But keeping in our emotions makes us sick... I did the same thing with my counselor with the whole child hood evens and Im shocked at what feelings came out.. Things I disnt even know I felt.. Ive found out sooo much about myself this way. Youd be suprised at how much our adult life stems from evens in our childhood... Be open to it and let yourself feel whatever you feel...
if I trust someone else...then I have to give up control to some extent....and I'm not sure I can deal with the emotional pain of being let down when people behave in unexpected ways.
If I let someone else really know me, and know my feelings...I have no control over what they may do with the intimate information they have about me...
If I show I am scared or overwhelmed...how might that be used against me in the future?
Living with an A...whenever I shared vulnerabilities...they ended up being used against me...so now I am very wary...
I have to remember that these walls I have around me may keep me safe, and give me the illusion of control, but are also profoundly isolating and limiting....I'm trying to learn to let safe people in...and take that risk so that I can know the fullness of human connection...without fear.
the challenge for me is in discerning who is safe to let over the wall....
-- Edited by rehprof on Tuesday 10th of January 2012 06:43:58 AM
I have mmmaaasssiiivveee control issues if you haven't already worked that out hehehehe.
I used to control my environment even as a small child. I would organise my toys and dolls into straight lines and they had distinct spots on the bed and if one was moved even slightly... I would know. Such control for a primary school child. My Mum loved it. Never had a messy teenage room either. My clothes in my cupboard were actually colour coded and all hung in the same direction etc.
I wanted neatness and order in my life.
It makes sense to me that by having friends, letting people in, I lose that control over my environment and have to succumb to 'other' peoples needs and wants. I tend to distance myself if I get toooo close to someone.
Or like I do wiht my husband, I try to control what they think and do with their time.
