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After 2 years of living apart, ultimately ending in divorce, my ex-husband still begs me to give him another chance. We struggled through 8 years of dealing with his drinking before his violent rampages sent bricks and benches through my windows while I rushed to hide with our 3 yr old. After a DUI he was ordered to treatment, which failed. He then began attending AA meetings, though continued to struggle with drinking. He's now been sober 9 months and truly feels that he has complete control over his addiction. I've told him that I am happy for him that he has found the strength to continue on the path to recovery, but when he begs for me to give him a chance now that he is sober, I find that I can't bring myself to do it. Something stops me cold even though I care very deeply for him.
I thought that I had found forgiveness in my heart, but I just feel that deep anxiety that overcame me so often when we were together. I am clear in telling him that I am now in my steps of recovery (I have attended months of Al-Anon) and that I don't know how long it will take, but he continues to pressure saying that he'll make it all better.
Am I a heartless person that I can't bring myself to truly believe anything that he is saying? Is it his continued struggle with addiction that leads him to use the same methods of guilt(why won't I do this for the sake of our child?, etc.) and pressure to get me to do what he wants? I am hoping to find someone out there who has been through this, too, as I don't know if time will heal these wounds.
I can sense your anxiety about what happened in the past. It can be so hard to let go of the pain! I have lots of experience in dealing with emotional abuse and rage issues from my AH. Not pretty and I still get panicked when I see him get angry, wondering what he's going to break or damage or what kind of foul language I'd be subject to(all of this happened when he was sober, too, by the way). Just because you forgive, doesn't mean that you are ready to pick up where you left off. If you really want to be with this man, you need to start over: start dating, let him court you, no intimacy for a while, be friends, etc. You aren't heartless, you are protecting yourself from what you perceive may be future hurts based on past experience. Are you ready to let him back in to your heart?
My AH was sober for 15 years! YES, 15 years and I thought that just because he quit drinking he would quit his crappy behavior so I married him. Turns out, he got worse behavior wise because he wasn't using alcohol to manage his anxiety and depression. His fuse got shorter and I got more and more scared each and every year. What my AH really needed was to get involved in a program, a true AA program of recovery. Unfortunately, he's the type of guy who thinks he can do it all himself and he started drinking again about a year ago. He claims that he's more mature and he's a 40-something year old man who can make adult decisions and doesn't need anyone telling him what he can and can't do. He still, to this day, won't really listen to me and to my concerns. We actually do have a good marriage in many ways, but this new drinking problem has added more crap to the fire just when I thought we were repairing our relationship. Anyway, my point is that only you know what you are willing to accept, what boundaries you are comfortable setting up and enforcing, and if you are willing to work things through again. Have you been working your own program of recovery? Do you fear that you both will fall into the same patterns of behavior? Or, do you feel that you both have matured enough to try again? Only you can answer these questions. I'm sorry if my post is disjointed, I've had a long day and I'm ready for bed, LOL!
I want to share my own story and my experience, strength, and hope regarding somewhat similar circumstances.
When my mom seperated from my alcholic dad, his abuse escalated. He had "just" been slamming doors, drinking, taking our toys, getting angry, insisting on his way or the high way, etc. But, when my mom chose to leave, he started threatening himself (suicide) and my mom (homicide). It was scary. We did not have contact with him for many years because the situation with him was too scary and unstable.
Then, as an adult, we got back in touch. I was very hesitant at first, but I wanted to give it a try. I wanted to forgive. I didn't want to hold on to those old hurts forever, etc. So, I opened the door. I started a new relationship. Things were not perfect, but good enough for 7 years. He was better, gentler, kinder, etc. It wasn't perfect, but it was good enough. And, yet, there were times when I could still see and feel how impacted by the traumatic experiences of my earlier years.
I now believe that it's not enough "to forgive" or "to move on". Both me and my dad needed treatment together and seperately. I couldn't just "get over it". And time wasn't enough to heal it. The fear when someone scares you out of your skin is REAL. Over time, I saw that even though everything in the PRESENT was FINE, the past hovered in the background like a ghost.
I learned this partially because my dad's abusive behavior returned. He wasn't "healed" - he was just better for a while (years) and then one day he wasn't better anymore. And now, like you, something is stopping me cold and I can nolonger bear to be in contact with him. Not because I don't forgive him, but because I don't think I can withstand another round of being hurt so thoroughly.
When someone has very serious issues that result in abuse, it's traumatizing.What I learned from this experience is that trauma = trauma. It doesn't mean we can't get over it, but in my case it has taken professional help.It's OK to honor your trauma. It's OK to have the relationship that feels safe, best for you. You're not shunning him, you just renegotiated the relationship in a way that feels best and good for you. That is healing at its most powerful.
For my part, I think there are two different kinds of forgiveness. One is a kind where you say, "I am no longer angry at you or full of pain, I have moved on from the situation, I am at peace with it." The other kind is where you say, "It's as if the situation never happened." To my mind, the first kind is for serious situations, and the second kind is for mild situations, like someone forgetting you made a lunch date. Situations where if they did it again, it might be irritating but nothing genuinely bad would happen. But in serious situations, being at peace with what happened is different from forgetting what they're capable of.
Nine months is a short time in recovery. I'm glad to hear that he's made nine months, which is no small feat. But it's still a short time. When you think of a relationship, nine months in is still practically the honeymoon period. When you've been in a relationship with someone for ten years, then you know them well. He's only nine months in to his relationship with recovery. And he seems very eager to put his addiction behind him and act as if it shouldn't have any lasting impact. To me, that says that he hasn't really understood his addiction fully. And that might mean that his recovery isn't yet at its fullest.
No other example can predict what anyone else is going to do. But even people with lots of recovery have more danger of going back into addiction that the average non-addict. I knew someone who had a bad relapse after eighteen years. It ruined his life a second time. The danger for you is what happens if he relapses. Forgiveness doesn't mean overlooking that possibility.
Violence is very scary and very serious. I don't think anyone alive, even him, could promise you that if you got back into the relationship, you would never be in danger of violence again. Please take care of yourself and your precious little boy.
I'm glad you're going to meetings. I hope you'll keep coming back here too. Hugs.
You're not heartless at all; quite the opposite. You are being practical about this disease and like most of us, have learned the hard way that trust and alcoholism don't go together. Particularly given the behavior you described - I don't blame you one bit. Nine months is very, very early - and I would certainly be hesitant to trust him if he says he has it under control - as they say alcholism is an "ism" not a "wasm." Part of Step 1 is admitting the complete powerlessness over it. That will never change, no matter how long someone has been sober.
Some of my personal experience - my MIL was sober 22 years until she relapsed last summer (along with her son, my AH). She was my 2 year old's babysitter. Luckily, she got back on the horse quickly and seemed to learn a lesson and is doing fine now (from what I can tell). I love her and she has a heart of gold - but I will never trust her the way I did and certainly not to babysit my son while he is so little. My AH is a few months sober and working a program but likewise, I don't think I'll ever be able to fully trust him - certainly not after what I saw. Sometimes I think that even if we reunite I won't be able to live with him for years.
I think we all want to believe in the A's recovery and many do very well and achieve long term sobriety. But the behavior you describe does not warrant your trust at this point. You are right to be skeptical and most of all, you have yourself and a child to protect - that comes before anything. Sending you support, nyc
Nine months is very early recovery. The AA programme advises against forming relationships until at least one year of recovery has passed.
I've actually heard of one instance when an A said to his x wife, the doctor has given me the all clear so I'm ok now!! LoL
The journey of recovery is for a lifetime and actions speak louder than words.
I have a relative who lives with an A who is in recovery 14 years and their relationship is not easy, she is independent within it and knows if relapse should occur she will be ok. Al-anon is her strength and she is in the relationship a day at a time. She married an active addict, she met a stranger in recovery. They took their time and through a lot of recovery work in both Al-anon & AA, through being honest with each other, they have a new and different relationship.
Not everyone can, or wants to, live like this but we all have freedom of choice.
Welcome GS, it sounds like you feel some pressure. Like he is pressuring you to trust him again...
One of my character defects is that I give what people say, TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE. I take it in, and I gradually begin to doubt myself. If someone disapproves of me, or disagrees with me, or criticizes me.... I cave easily. I give it "importance." Without this awareness of myself, I just kinda blow in the wind, moving in ways others think I should... I lose the ability to be the author of my own life. I don't want to do this anymore because it makes other people my Higher power.
I am divorced from my AH, there was no more trust. Today, we are on friendly terms, we see each on occasion while visiting with our two grown children. I forgave him, and I "released" him. I no longer hold him responsible for my suffering in the past because I own my part in it... I kept going back for MORE. In the past, I refused to accept Reality, I lived in denial. But I've found recovery and I've moved on. Today, I only need to trust Higher power... which sometimes comes as a hunch or as my intuition...
You got out of denial. And you can trust yourself. It is safe. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 10th of January 2012 10:27:01 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 11th of January 2012 07:15:25 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You have received many thoughtful responses and I too felt I would like to add my thoughts on Trust.
I do believe that Trust is an interesting subject. .I know that since program, and facing realityand climbing out of denial I find that the " Blind Trust" I once granted to everyone no longer exits.
Today I have an acceptance of everyone and know that they are human. They can make mistakes, and disappoint me etc and I can still love them. People must earn my trust by doing esteem able actions and not by words and appearance. I do trust everyone to take care of themselves and I trust myself to do likewise.
I refuse to live in denial and pretend any longer so that honesty in a relationship is key
Trusting a husband who has cheated, not to cheat again takes time, energy and a wiliness to take the risk.
I decided to take the risk and believe that after my husband found true sobriety that he would remain faithful
The trust was not my innocent trust of youth but more a trust in myself and HP. It was a day at a time being honest, trusting HP and he was faithful up to his death.
THANKS to everyone for this post--I can relate very much to what you are questioning Getting Stronger, and the ESH here is amazing. I often can't let myself think about the sick, hurtful things my AH did. I am still ashamed that I stayed for so long. We are separated, but not divorced and i feel I need to decide soon what we are doing. He would happily want to make it work--but like you, something stops me. I want us to be a family with our two kids--but is that a fantasy I am hanging on to?
Often I feel like it is sort of like post-traumatic-stress or something...we lived through hell in ways and made significant changes deep inside to survive and it changed us. Thank god for recovery and Al-Anon to help us find peace...and then the thought of ever going back seems like a huge risk.
Right now I think, if I do not know what I want or what to do--do nothing. I will know the right choice when the time is right. Best wishes for peace and THANKS to all who posted here. Wow.
Wow! What a great thread on trust! My ex-AH and I are actually on the other side of this dilema. I have been wanting to get back together with him and we actually have been back together (sorta) on and off for about a year now. He is now where he thinks it's not going to work. (or at least today he is) Our story goes something like this: I have been in 3 bad previous marriages. He was my 4th marriage. My 3rd marriage was to a very distraught ACOA, the first two were alcoholics. My 3rd marriage produced a child and due to issues with his childhood and sexual abuse, he nor his family is allowed to see our daughter. My 4th husband and I were married for 3 years and he tried very hard to support me and protect my child, but I was so messed up at the time I misinterpreted a lot of what he did as control and abuse. So a year ago I made amends to him a year and a half after our divorce, for the ex-parte I had filed on him after the divorce and for some other sexual indiscretions that occured during our marriage. I had NO expectations that he would want to get back together, but he did. So we tried again, but I think in addition to my perceived injustices to him, he has others that he needs to work on. For now I'm staying single and taking care of me and working my program and praying that someday he will forgive me enough for us to try again, but for now I'm just taking care of me and turning the rest over to God.
Thanks for the post GettingStronger, for you truly are.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thank you all for your input. I had no idea this week would be one where I really needed to hear all that you had to say. My exAH decided that because of his need to have me in his life it was necessary to put an ultimatum on my progress. The clarity that this brought to me, along with reading your posts has helped me with an important decision. Just as it was for the past 10 years, he believes that I am the one who brings happiness to his life and my absence is what is taking it away. No matter what my wishes are, he is unable at this point, to accept my friendship without intimacy. Therefore, I have let him know that I will not be on this journey with him. Now is my time to work on the healing that I obviously have not made yet. Though he requested that we try living together again, the anxiety that the thought brought, along with his being parked in my driveway when I returned home the other night made it clear that we are still in the same spot in our relationship that we were at when he was drinking. I cannot have someone in my life that is unable to listen to and accept my wishes. It's not about me waiting for him to move on, it is about me taking my steps to move on to a place where I am healthy and happy. A life where I can provide our son with love, support, and security. Each time that I try to make things better between us, I feel that when it fails I must once again grieve the loss of our marriage. It's not healthy for any of us. I am getting stronger and I recognize that the HP has placed each of these opportunities for me to see things more clearly and grow to be a stronger person. I accept the challenge and will move towards peace controlling the only person I can... me. Thank you all again for your time, your support, and your encouragement. I will continue to be on here often. You all remind me that I am OK and this is all a part of the path so many have walked before me. Our HP will walk this path with us all.
