The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, ABF left last week - at my request. He is struggling with it. We met over the weekend and I explained that we both need to work on ourselves and that there is no possible way we can do that when being together. He needs a lot of help - he knows this but I'm not sure he's ready for that step. I have spent a year and a half hearing the promises and seen the "attempts" of AA and counselling for it to be short lived and "useless". This was the step that I feel needed to be done. I feel good about it - don't get me wrong - I do hurt. I love him I just don't love who he is when he's been drinking. I so hope he makes that step to get the help he needs.
On a different note, he has gone to stay with his mom. She is totally aware of the drinking BUT I don't think she is aware of all the other behaviors. She has said she is going to call me tonight - that's fine. I like talking to her, she's great. I just don't know how much to say. He claims he's told her but I just don't know. Do I totally ignore the topic?
In this situation Blood is truly thicker than water, she will choose to believe his side of things , you telling her things she dosent know about will only put a strain on both relationships . If he is living with her she will soon see for herself what is going on . just my opinion
So sorry you are going though this, .. I have found that people show their own hinnies all by themselves. Let him do what he's going to do and you aren't in the position of being the bad guy.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I've experienced this in the past and think you've received very good support from the other posts. It is more difficult for family to accept by hearing it, but when they experience it first hand, it is more likely to draw a clear picture. When questioned, I told them that I loved him very much and wished for a happy resolution (but we were having trouble). In the end, his mother approached me stating she's so sorry for not knowing what I was dealing with all alone and understands how hard this must have been. Her words were greatly appreciated and I consider myself lucky to have received them.
I am going through something similar and I constantly have to remind myself that the alcoholic is sick and will often try to protect himself with lies...and sometimes, I think reality is even blurred for him. But in the end, people have slowly seen through his bizarre behaviors as he has let them down too. It is hard to watch but hopefully compassion and healing come along eventually. It sounds like you are protecting yourself. Keep coming back!
Thanks everyone for your words. His mom is well aware of his drinking and has no illusions to the extent I just wasn't sure if she aware of the impact it is having on his mental health. We finally spoke today and I am certain she is aware of it. She is a wonderful woman. I guess in a sense I feel guilty for him going there. She is in the prime of her retirement and really enjoying herself. I feel I might be guilty of ruining that for her. That was my big issue I guess. In the end I know it's me I have to think of but it's still hard. She has said that he has booked appointments with a new counsellor and is looking at an inpatient treatment centre.
Here's hoping he takes those steps. Whatever happens between us (together or not) he needs this so he can at least be there for his children.
I just want to point out that you aren't responsible for ruining her retirement. She is responsible for taking him in .. that's on her. I'm not saying right or wrong on her part just saying this really is so not about you having the power to control what choices she makes.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
