Taking photos and videos sounds like just another type of control strategy of management to me.

But haven't we all done it to the best of our ability in those sad and bad years,

until we learned that it usually, in the long term, was a waste of time.

Unless it is for a reason of safety or for a court order.

As an exercise how about taking photos of all those things you do ....for yourself which give you moments of satisfaction or joy.

Love, T.H.

 

Hi Kris,

I would encourage you to educate yourself about what counts as posession. My understanding (via google) is that if it is in your home, you can be brought up on posession charges no matter who the drug belongs to.

I think taking pictures MIGHT be a way to TRY control the consequences of his addiction, to assert some power in a situation in which you feel powerless. However, it's not clear to me if in the eyes of the law the pictures would truly offer any protection. In the eyes of the law, possession may equal possession may equal possession. It may not matter that the drugs aren't yours. It may not matter that you're not high. It may not matter that you're not touching the drugs. It may only matter that the drugs are in YOUR home.

You're working on your boundaries. And I know from previous posts you're struggling with how and where to set them.

It's possible that the pictures give you an illusion of control in a situation where you can't control the outcome or the consequences without setting even firmer boundaries. 

If I were taking pictures it would be because it was too hard yet to face the full implications of being at risk because there were illegal drugs in my home.

You're doing great grappling with this - I know you will find the boundaries best for you.

BlueCloud

-- Edited by BlueCloud on Monday 9th of January 2012 07:18:19 PM

-- Edited by BlueCloud on Monday 9th of January 2012 07:19:33 PM

I took pictures of my husband stash. I weighed it also. I used to record the days he used in my diary.
I did this so I would know what was going on, to keep ontop of things, to have my proof that he was using and how much.
I wanted to know if he was getting near the time to score again if he was using and not telling me.
I would write down the circumstances so I could find a pattern (eg; your shower scenario).

The photos of his pipe and stash made me feel content, I felt that I knew what was happening, I knew it wasn't me that this was about, it was him, because I had the proof of that.

I have come to realise, it makes no difference what so ever to anything. I believe now it was an illusion of control that I had. I felt comfortable with the knowledge of what was going on, that it was his stuff not mine, how much was there etc. That knowledge let me feel in control of my emotions, and that is why I felt calm. I had actually DONE something about this. I had taken some sort of action in a situation that in reality I had no logical control over. For me, it was a subconscious need to feel in control as opposed to controlling him exactly. I felt a sense of control, a sense of calm, a sense of ...???... its hard to put into words, but like I "knew what was happening and I have the proof of it". It controlled my out of control mind and emotions.

I have to go as I am at work but I do hope I have said something that rings for you.

Kris, you know me and you know I won't tell you what to do or if you are right or wrong. I can tell you from my own experience what worked for me and how I am doing now. Your loved one is addicted to the hardest drug to get off of. You happen to be addicted to that chaos and adrenaline rush that being around him and his addiction creates for you. That is how it was for me, and when I found out from my sponsor, this board and the book Getting Them Sober how to change me, thats when things started to change. I let go of trying to control every thing he did. I let go of trying to force solutions and trying to make him go to meetings or whatnot. I stopped counting bags, needles, how much he did etc, and stopped counting how much he drank if he was drinking. From those here that had been where I was, and my sponsor, I found that he was going to use or drink or not ...and I was asked "what are you going to do?" So I talked more with my sponsor. I was given tools that helped me change me. I gave my loved one over to God. I said to God, take him and help me. There were moments when I prayed over and over "help me" because I had no other words. I said what I meant and meant what I said and I didn't say it mean. If he was drunk, I went to bed. When we woke up in the morning, he would apologize and I would say "I love you" and smile. Our relationship began to change little by little. His addiction to heroin was terrible but he wanted help so he went to a doctor and got suboxone (on his own, without my help.) As I kept working on me, his drinking changed and he tapered down from daily drunkeness to a few times a week, to once a week...then suddenly that was gone too. The whole thing that I realized along the way was that I had to give up the idea that I could control anyone but me. I found that I couldn't control my kids, and that was hard too, I had to remember that the only thing I could do is have rules, boundaries and limitations. I had to be calm and assertive, not rageful and crazy. And this sounds weird maybe, but like being around a horse or a dog, you don't want to be wild and jumping around, you want to be calm and assertive... When the serenity came finally, I had to learn to pray every day, meditate and keep my serenity no matter what. Once I knew in myself that I didn't need my loved one anymore, didn't need the chaos and adrenaline, he knew it and things began to change. I am still teachable and humble every day. I go back to step one every morning and try to live gently and allow myself the ability to make a mistake without getting upset about it. I learned to accept me for me. And love him right where he was. Thats when I got it, the acceptance part is what led me to find my way with the help of my sponsor.... Take care of you. I support your decisions and I know you can take the next right action for you. Most of all, what RLC said so many times to me: Remain calm, don't react. t

sorry I had to cut my previous post short as people turned up in my office for a meeting.

What Iam trying to say is that I took the advice from people here and I stopped photographing, weighing, counting etc. It was very hard. I felt like I was spinning out of control. My head was doing laps. I literally paced up and down in front of his stash drawer and then I talked to the drawer one day.

I told the drawer that it and its contents was not my friend. I did not want to acknowledge the power that the drugs had over ME, no matter what the power was over my husband. I didn't want to be just as obsessive about it. I rejected it from my life. I felt my need to KNOW was overpowering me. I had become just as addicted to that. I would look at the photo I had taken and carry it around in my phone wiht me for heaven sake. My diary was full of drug use dates and situations. That is not right.

Since October last year I have ceased recording. I do occassionally still look. I dunno why. I can honestly say, that since October my attitude has changed. Now, I can honestly and truly say that I really don't want to know. I don't want the chaos of the lies, the finding out, the weighing the stash, the photographs, the KNOWING. It only upsets me.

I understand you are sayign it is because you want proof that it isn't yours. I am not sure of the legalities of posession, but I do know, the police aren't silly. There would be no evidence on your body that you are injecting. Your attitude would not be that of the user toward the police. You have rung the police previously to exit him from your home and that would be on record etc etc. In my mind, I woudl think carrying photos or vids of a stoned partner is kinda like prosperity (devils advocate here), how do they not know that it is you supplying it for him and getting him stoned then recording it for fun? Crazy idea I know, but they do deal wtih crazy people.

For me, I felt much better when I distanced myself emotionally from the drug. I rejected the drug from my life and all its paraphenalia. The stash draw is not my friend.
I now, do not want to know. I deal with him and his behaviour and I continue to ask that he respects not to use when we are spending time together. What he does in his own time, when I am out or we are spending time apart... that is his business and none of mine. As long as he is straight when he is spending time with me. Your boundary may be that if he is going to use, it is not in your home. That is a fair enough boundary as far as I can see, especially with a child there. You do not want the stuff in your home... if he breaks that boundary.. then what???? Leave for a period of time and allowed back if he is clean???? fair enough.

I can't control any of it. I can't prove its his or mine but if the proverbial hit the fan, it would be obvious that I am not the user in our family due to my attitude.
As far as you thinking that it may seem that you don't care if he is using.... of course you do.... that is why you have your boundaries... for me, when I decided his using is none of my business, it is his business, but I have my boundaries... then I started to feel better. If I didn't care if he used, I wouldn't be here.. and I don't think you would be either. He knows you care for him and you would prefer he doesn't use. He knows that very well I would say.


You can only do what is right for you. I do hope you find the peace and calm that you so deserve.

I'm not telling you what to do, because only you know what's best.  But from everything I've seen and learned, the only way not to have drugs in your home is not to have an addict in your home. 

Hugs.

If anything ever happens to your son or the police come to your home, you might not get arrested but they could take your child anyhow because of failure to protect and that will be considered neglect. I currently have 1 little girl on my caseload (I work with foster kids) that swears the drugs found in the home were her older brother's. That didn't stop all 3 kids from landing in foster care and that is where they have been for the last 2 years. I guess the parents knew but they didn't call authorities so... She is a wonderful little girl and for the most part, her mom seems to have done a good job, but police don't do a psychologicial eval on your kid and try to determine if you actually were a good parent when they find drugs in your house.

He is never going to accept the "not in my house" boundary as a full blown heroin addict. That is futile and sets you up to be policing him. It does not resemble an adult relationship. What is he bringing to the table here? I think perhaps you feel better with these relaxed boundaries because you were lonely and scared with him gone.

I know that this is not Alanon protocol and you have to be the one to realize these things or nothing will change. I also know this sounds like I am chastising you but I think I do understand much of the picture here and I understand how this came about for you. I do not have children, but the home I used to live in.....with me and my ex-A....it was atrocious and I had 2 master's degrees at the time so it was not about education or intelligence. I just thank God I don't have to live like that any more. I am praying for your freedom too. I guess what I am also saying is I feel sad for you but also am kind of scared for you too. When he did not get his way before, he claimed your house was unsanitary right? That is another risk aside from his drug use. If this stuff gets said around your son's school or daycare...it's a done deal. They have a duty to report it and child protective services will be knocking on your door.

It does suck in many ways that he could be drinking his butt off and the same legal problems would not be nearly as prevalent but that is not the case. Your son is getting old enough to figure out what is really going on. It is a DCF call waiting to happen.

This may be an inappropriate share but it's from the heart.