YES, I have been Blessed by this site/Board.  I love this place, it has helped me immeasurably, inexplicably.  The reponses to posts, even smply writing & venting, not to mention attending mtgs on-line, I have found to be more effective & profound than any F2F I have gone to but we are all different and I know  I am a weird one -- being called that in 4th grade & being hurt by it, I looked it up...  it means extra ordinary.  That was ok with me back then.  Being "normal" was a dirty word for my family, making A's in honor's classes weren't good enough, I had to make 100%'s.

The chat rm is odd @ times we are all like hurt dogs (being abused) - & we bite back when hurt & irritable -- our moods within in ourselves, just like our relationships with others have cycles (as in Nature) they ebb & flow.

Now back to prayer & allowing myself to be moved by HP, as HP hasn't given up on me, not once.  I thought my words were falling on deaf ears, but it was in my immaturity.  God wants us to choose - he/she/it takes nothing from us, we must surrender it unto "the force".  I had to "give" to HP I had to demand HP receive it from me, not weakly hope for anything to be taken.

God wants us to surrender...  our broken hearts, our contrite souls...  I know I am free, now to integrate that - to actualize it as a part of my life -- just like I felt when I was 3, 5, 'cause by seven, the age of reason...  & all the "if you understand, than u must be understanding" I had some real heady lessons going on in my life.

Every Blessing is a curse, like a sword - maybe that kept me in "martyr mode" too long.  I did try to talk to my mother but she lacked compassionate understanding, she figured we was "disciplinning me (in the Greek, it means to educate) by talking at me to death".

Now wonder I felt misunderstood, she didn't want to hear me or she wasn't able to relate - surely she figured, 'hell kid, I'm not beating you like I was, what's ur f**king problem - u whiney lil sensitive thing'.

I would say, you "allowed me to be sensitive, you encouraged that artistic expression & now your complaining or blaming me for wanting to express myself?"

Life is one irony after another...  and God DOES have a sense of humor.

Anyway, I appreciate being able to vent on posts (& in ch mtgs) -- at least I do get the feeling, I am appreciated & understood...  I hope you all can feel that the love resonates & reflects back.

I'm not out to offend anyone, but I have to get over my own sickness, this is a free country, i will continue to use my Freedom of Speech.

tyvm, a recovering individual