Last Thursday and Friday were hard for me.  As Jerry stated I think "I walked off the end of the pink cloud" Haha.  That's funny.  The amazing part is though, I had tools, and I used them.  My sponsor is out of town for a month, which is hard for me but awesome for her.  She is basking in the sun, picking oranges from her orange tree, and riding her bike to the local swimming pool. HaHa, lucky duck.  But she is only a phone call away and for that, I am grateful. I picked the best sponsor. At first I felt bad because I felt like a nuisance but the more I get to know her I see she is working her step 12. Someone said once in a meeting "I only took my step 1 because someone else was taking their step 12."  I love that. But the beautiful thing is that my sponsor and I are very much compatible.  Our spiritual views are similar and we get along very well just chatting.  She has taught me so much.  She's like my new grandma (with all due respect RIP MB,) its awesome.

So Thursday and Friday were hard but Friday night my best friend sounded lonely and I was too so I said "do you want to come over" and she did. She brought our other two girlfriends along with her.  We had a pajama game night, NO ALCOHOL!  My husband got home from AA and also invited his friend over who is normally drinking on friday night but he came over to play games with us. I think he misses my AH, their relationship has been drifting since he is still active and my AH is not.  But Friday was very fun.   Everyone seemed very content. I used to always be fidgety and discontent. I used to think that was just my personality but now I see that was my illness. I was always worrying, anxious, thinking, controlling... optical illusions.  But Friday night felt better for me just being in the company of warm, fun people and NO ALCOHOL.

The rest of the weekend was a spiritual retreat. It was sunny but still snow on the ground and I spent alot of time walking, drinking coffee, and listening to my music.  In the evening I started reading The Four Agreements and my al-anon books.  Sunday I visited my family, which is very hard , because my Mom does not get it. I try not to talk about AA or Al-Anon in front of her. But I did mention my AH's sponsor who is about 70 years old and my Mom said "don't you think by 70 these people would have it knicked."  I start to feel resentments when she talks like this.  I prayed for God to remove my judgements and resentments and to just let me accept that she does not understand.  I did not show any anger I just said "there is a twelth step to help the other people. So the 70 yr old sticks around so he can help the 20 year old who comes crawling in the door after three d.u.i's and his wife left him and he lost his job."  She said "oh that makes sense." Its very sad because my Mom would very much benefit from Al-Anon but it is not my job to convince her of that.  She knows I go and could ask to join me.  In fact, once I invited her but she declined.  My mother in law does attend Al-Anon which is great because she has not been enabling or care taking of my husband lately. She has been letting him work his own program too and not knick picking or asking questions of him.  It has been so nice for our relationship, hers and mine.  We are very close now. 

So over all "this too shall pass" came into play Thursday and Friday.  Saturday I woke up refreshed... Sunday was even better and today everything felt alright. I have therapy this evening which I am quite excited about since now I only go about once a month.  I hope I have some more realizations.

One thing that is very outstanding to me when I look back is how foolish I was when my husband was active and how much I did not seem to notice.  Now he is this very fun, lively, exciting, happy person and before it was like that spark in him has faint, almost gone.. and I did not seem to get it. He was still him, you know, and I always thought it was something else.  I was very much naive and now I know I would know better.  This has helped me realize what is acceptable behavior or not for the future. I have a list to go by now of what to do if an emergency were to arise.  When youre in it though, in the middle of the tornado, its hard to think logically.  It may help to have it written when my thoughts are rational and I can go back and look at it.

Anyway I am so grateful for the weekend I had and to be able to enjoy time with, not only, very wonderful friends, but also the love of my life that I married. I have him back and I did not realize how much I even missed him.  The decline into full blown destruction was gradual.  But he is back.  He is so full of life and sunshine and he is so funny.  He says he always thought he was more enjoyable to be around when he was drunk/high... so sad and so far from the truth.  All I can do is remind him when I think to just how awesome he is and how fun he is now that he is not using.  Hopefully he remembers but whatever happens we will always have these moments together we've shared. I'm so grateful for that. And so grateful that on Thursday and Friday when I started with the stinkin thinkin I did not call him out for anything in the past that kept playing in my head.  I was aware they were my resentments resurfacing. I was thinking about the lies and the money and the waste of a year.  But I had tools now and I have a more healthy way about me. I don't need his apologies, I know he's sorry.  I can get along just by focusing on me and staying in the now and not dwelling on yesterday or worrying about tomorrow.  Thank God for Al-Anon. 

I had my HP to rely on too. Sunday morning I went for one of my walks with HP and I also meditated.  Later in the afternoon I  read.  Spirituality books keep me focused.  I am going to be okay.